Saturday, 31 December 2011

Mixed Emotions

22 weeks today!

Squirt is moving a lot more and I am loving feeling her!
She is definately a little madam already as the minute anyone other than Paul tries to feel her she immeadiately stops kicking!

My Mum has finally managed to feel a really small kick but nothing like the strength of Squirts normal activities!
And last night we had friends over to see our new house.
For around 2 hours before they arrived Squirt was kicking non stop.
Then when they both tried to feel her she suddenly disappeared.
She did kick one of them but seemed to enjoy teasing the other one.
I have told her she had better be on her best behavious next time we have visitors!

It was so cool to have people touching my belly to feel Squirt.
They asked me if I minded, which I dont at all!
It is what I have dreamed of for so long, to have a baby belly and feel my baby move.
So having that dream become a reality it the most amazing expereince I have ever had!

Squirt is definately doing some serious growing.
I had to take my belly piercing out 2 days ago as it was starting to get sore where it was stretching and was also catching on all my clothes and getting very annoying!
When I took it out I noticed my belly button has got alot shallower, it is almost flat now!
It wasnt exactly deep to begin with but now its hardly in at all!

The scales have upset me this morning.
I gained 3 lbs in one week!
I know it has been Christmas week but even so!
Although aside from my belly getting bigger I cant see where that weight has gone so maybe it all fluid? (thats what Im telling myself anyway!)

Just 2 days ago I had a horrible and sad reminder of the other side of pregnancy.
The only side I knew for most of last year, until Squirt came along.

A girl I work with lost her baby at 20 weeks about 18 months ago.
Well about 6 weeks ago she told me she was pregnant again.
Obviously she was terrified but happy and so I was pleased for her, and hoped so hard that this little one would make it for her.

Well about 3 weeks ago I saw her sitting in her car, in tears after an early scan.
Her baby was about 2 weeks behind where it shouldve been. It all felt too familiar, too heartbreaking.
But her baby had once difference to my two precious angels.
It had a heartbeat.
So she had hope that her dates were just off and everything would be fine with her little one.

Two days ago was her follow up scan, to check baby was growing and was ok.
I went to text her after I knew she wouldve had the scan but I already had a messgae from her.
The minute I read the first line my heart sank and I felt sick.

Not again, its just not fair.
The same thing that happened to me had happened to her.
Her baby hadnt grown, it no longer had a heartbeat.
I felt like bursting into tears.
Partly because I felt so sad for her, but also because it brought back all that pain of losing Lumpy and then Pup.
That desperately lonely 'why me' feeling.
The hating everyone around you who is pregnant.
The worrying you might never be a Mummy.

And then another emotion hit me. Guilt.
I suddenly realised I am now one of those women who I hated when I lost my angels.
I am pregnant and happy.
Although I wouldnt say we are close friends we do talk about her daughter she lost and my two angels, and we had been talking alot about her new pregnancy.
Now I dont know what to say.

Well thats not strictly true.
I know what to say, but will she want to hear it from me?
Will she be able to stand there and look at me and my bump and not want to scratch my eyes out with jealousy and hatred.
Because that is how terrible I felt about others who were pregnant when I no longer was.
It is the hardest thing to see, a bump, a happy pregnant women.
And I am going to have to make her see it everyday she comes to work.

I am sending her a card because that helped me.
And it means she doesnt have to see me straight away.

But when I think about it, In a way I dont think it is me that she will struggle with.
She knows about my angels.
I was due a long way ahead of her.
But another girl we work with found out about being pregnant just after her, and it wasnt planned.
I think she will find that the hardest. Well if she is anything like me she will anyway.

Pregnancies closest to mine hit the hardest.
Ladies who were pregnant before I had been, or had suffered a previous loss didnt give me that same stomach wrenching pain.
I know its irrational but its grief.
Grief by its very nature is irrational and selfish.
It is the only way to survive.

And with all these thoughts I stumbled across the realisation that in under 3 weeks time I shouldve been giving birth to my second angel, Pup.
Somewhere between losing Pup and getting pregnant with Squirt I had stopped counting my non existant weeks of pregnancy.
At first I thought it meant I didnt care.
But then I realised it was enabling me to live again.
I hadnt forgotten Pup, I had just stopped torturing myself once a week.

It still hurts that Im not about to give birth.
But in a different way.
Because now I have Squirt.
I have my precious baby girl growing inside me, and kicking, and rolling.
And although it sounds strange I cant see how it couldve happened any other way now.

Its not that I am glad I lost my angels because I am far from that.
But Being pregnant with Squirt feels so right and makes me so happy that I cant see how I ever would have been pregnant with any other baby.
She is my baby girl, my daughter, my rainbow.
She is my hope after despair.
She is made all the more sweeter by me having two angels before her.
I love her so so much already.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

'I Love You's' not enough....... Im lost for words

I am officially halfway!

But that really is the least exciting news of the week.
We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday.

And I was wrong!
Our precious baby Squirt is a beautiful little GIRL!!!!!

I could not believe it when the ultrasound tech said she was a girl.
I sat up and said, 'Are you sure?'
She showed me the 3 little lines very clearly (Squirt had her legs wide open, the only time in her life me and P will be happy for her to do so!)

I am slowly getitng used to calling Squirt she, it kinda seems to fit now.
I am absolutely thrilled that she is a girl, just as I wouldve been thrilled if she was a boy.
It was just a huge shock!

Now I am more glad than ever that we decided to find out if she was pink or blue.
I dont know if I wouldve felt as able to bond with her as quickly in May if I had spent the next 20 weeks still thinking she was a boy and then got handed a girl!

It was the best surprise and already I feel like I am closer to her and am getting to know her!

And like a proper little madam she decided to scare me and P half to death before she is even born!
The ultrasound tech was able to check everything except one tiny little detail, her heart!
She woud not lie the right way no matter how I laid.

So we were sent away for 20 minutes to go eat something and go for a walk.
When we came back the ultrasound tech had a better view and took a long time looking at Squirts heart.
She then said she just wanted to get someone elses opinion at which point I began to panic uncontrollably.

Something was wrong with my baby girl.
I immeadiately flashed back to the last time I had a second opinion in that ultrasound room.
The day we learned for sure that Lumpy had passed away.

All sorts of terrible things that could be wrong with her heart were racing through my mind at this point and I was terrified at what they were going to say.

After what seemed like the longest time the second lady finished looking at Squirt and they both came back into the room.

Thankfully it turns out all is well.
Squirt is perfect and normal.

Apparently at first when Squirt was lying at the funny angle it was hard to make sure her heart was in the right position in her chest.
Once she moved it all looked normal but it had put a doubt in the first ultrasound techs mind and she wanted to make sure she hadnt missed anything.

I am grateful they were so thorough and made 100% sure my baby girl is fine but it scared the life out of me for that time we were wonderng what was going on.

Squirt spent most of yesterday kicking me, I think she is glad I am finally calling her by the right sex and is letting me know about my mistake!!!

I am so in love with my beautiful baby girl!!!!

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

2 More Sleeps

In 46 hours time I will be going into the ultrasound room to see Squirt!

I am beyond excited.
I feel like a little kid right before Christmas!

In fact I dont care at all about the fact that it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas day.
Mine and Ps Christmas day is in 2 days time!

I am 19+2 today and while I have been sat here at work on the computer Squirt has been kicking away happily to himself.
I love feeling him, it never fails to feel new and magical even though it is far from the frist time Ive felt him.

And as I was typing that he just gave me a little 'Hello Mum' kick!
He kicked me to say good morning once Id got up today aswell.
And again while I was texting P to tell him that Squirt had been good this morning and not made me sick!

While we are on the subject of sickness, its still here!
While I may not have been sick this morning, I was yesterday morning, again before I had a chance to eat anything.
And because me and P had made pancakes the night before with the last of our milk I had to venture to the shops to get some food for my breakfast after I was sick.
That nearly ended in disaster as on the way home from the shops I started to feel really really nauseous and thought I was gonna throw up in the street!
So thats the last time I leave nothing in the house for breakfast, I did not enjoy my early morning adventure!

As well as the sicknesss still loitering around I have noticed heartburn these last few evenings.
Its not unbearable but its not very pleasant either!
I thought I had escaped the whole heartburn thing but clearly Squrt was just lulling me into a false sense of security!

We also have less a week until we move into out new house.
I find it odd to think Squirt will never know The Hatch.
He will never see our first house as a married couple.
The house he was concieved in, and was dreamt about for so long.

But I am also glad.
Because he will grow up with more room, with his own bathroom which is just funny!

Maybe for that reason I should be imagining him as a girl, a personal bathroom is wasted on a boy!

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Another first

Less than a week until Squirts scan now.

I am so looking forward to it and seeing my baby again!

I feel him kicking everyday and so he is obviously getting big and strong but it will be so amazing to see him on the screen, bigger, more grown up than when we last saw him!

I of course still have a few little worries.
Will his heart look ok?
Will his lungs look ok?
Will all his other systems be functioning as they should?

Im sure they will be, but until they are checked I guess we never know for sure.
And lastly the biggest but also the least important question, is he pink or blue.
Because really it doesnt matter.
I feel so strongly that he is a boy but all I really care about is, is everything ok?
Is he normal, is he healthy?

But at the sametime I am so excited to find out.
To know if Im right.
If he really is a little boy or if he is actually a little girl!!

P got to feel one of his kicks on friday (I was 18+4)
Squirt had kicked me fairly hard so I put Ps hand on my belly right where Id felt Squirt and told him to wait.
A few seconds later his face lit up and he was aying 'I felt something then!'
And he was right, Squirt had just kicked his hand and he lokoed so happy!

He then spent the next few minutes talking to Squirt through my belly button, trying to get him to do it again, which he refused to do!

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Feels like Love

I am 17 + 2 today and getting ever closer to seeing Squirt again!! (2 weeks and 3 days incase you were wondering!)

I already said Id felt Squirt move a few weeks ago, and was wondering how long it would take until I felt him kick.
I didnt have long to wait!
Last Friday, when I was 16 + 4 I was lying in bed not feeling very much like I would sleep when I felt it!
There was no mistaking it even though obviously I have never felt my baby kick me before!
I knew instantly it was Squirt.
It felt like a far away thud but with the delicacy of a bubble popping (I stole part of that description from someone else but it perfectly describes how it feels!)
I have felt him kick every day since then, some times more obvious than others.
Everytime I feel it I smile, my precious baby is getting big and strong enough to connect with me, I find it amazing!

Apparently by this stage he can hear us aswell, although Im sure we sound very odd and muffled to him!
I wonder how long it will be before he reacts and kicks when we talk to him.

Looking at my belly photo form this week and judging by some comments I have got I do look pregnant in most of my clothes but I still dont feel like I do.
I feel chubby and feel lilke I just look chubby and not at all pregnant!
I guess it depends what Im wearing but hopefully soon it will be obvious that my expanding belly is thanks to Squirt and not because I am festively plump!

And so much for my morning sickness being gone!
I have been sick 3 times in the last 5 mornings and only wasnt sick this morning because I forced down a biscuit just in time!
I hope it is not going to stick around too much longer because it is not a fun way to start the day!
But thankfully I am actually liking food again during the day so I have that to be happy about!

I have done quite abit of packing in the last week, I suppose I dont have much time left to get it all done really. Most of the small bits and pieces downstairs are packed away now, except for things form the kitchen but there is still lots to do.
I am just glad that I have most of my energy back or it would be a complete nightmare!

Monday, 21 November 2011


16 weeks today!

I am getting really bad at updating this.
I promised myself I would write on here or in my diary at least once a week so I would have something to look back on once Squirt was here.

Well I am just as bad at keeping my diary up to date.
The one thing I have been good at doing is taking weekly pictures of my bump and weighing myself. ( I am strill 2 lbs down on my prepregnancy weight!)

But I have an excuse.
We have been very busy with sorting out moving house.
Contracts are exchanged and we are set to move on 19th December.
It doesnt really bother me that it is very close to Christmas, I just want to get into our new house and get settled.
But it will mean I will be kept busy right up to Squirts 20 week scan so Im hoping that makes time fly!
(Its is currently 3 weeks and 4 days away, not that Im counting or anything!)

Aswell as changes to our home I am noticing lots of changes in me.
I seem to have popped, finally!
I have had a small bulge for around 6-8 weeks now but this morning when I took my picture, I actually have a proper bump. A tiny one but a proper one!
And aswell as this my boobs are still growing, which I am more than pleased about now they have stopped constantly hurting!

But more exciting than my boobs being bigger is feeling Squirt move!!
I thought I had felt him a while ago but I dont think that was him.
However around 3 weeks ago I woke up and felt a sensation of a bubble popping just under my skin!
I just knew it was Squirt!
Since then I feel him on and off, some days more than others.
It is great feeling those little flutters but I am still very excited to feel his strong little kicks. Who knows how soon that will be.

My morning sickness is almost gone.
I was excited yesterday morning because Ihadnt been sick in a week,
Then I went and ate too much yesterday and was sick in the middle of the night!
So it remains to be seen if it is really gone or not.

Having our doppler is really helping me get to our ultrasound without going crazy.
Even with feeling Squirt move there is no substitute for hearing that little heart beating away.
Always so fast, always so strong.
It sounds almost busy, like it has so much to do and so little time!
But even the doppler isnt without worry.

A few days ago we thought we heard Squirts heart slow a little so obviously I worried instantly!
But then I realised it was actually the cord and not his heart and he had just kicked it away.
Then the same thing happened today and we realised that actually it probably wasnt even the cord, but my heartbeat getting mixed up with his, which makes sense because it slows to the exact same rate as mine!
We think it is my blood vessel that supplies the uterus, it definately is not Squirt anyway!
I hate how easily I can get worried about Squirt, but was so relieved to reaslise he is ok and his little heart is as strong as ever!

And now the first outward sign I have of Squirts exastance, my bump!

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Love at first sight

I dont know why but I started to get a little nervous the day before Squirts scan.
P wasnt helping, he went all quiet and I could tell he was scared.
He admitted it but said it was because of the memories of that scan room more than anything.

Why were we both scared?
We had heard Squirts hb that very day, he was alive, and kicking, from the sounds of it!
But there was still those tiny flutters of nerves.

At the sametime I still knew Squirt would be ok but I couldnt make the nerves vanish completely, it was strange.

The minute that ultrasound probe was pressed against my stomach and I saw Ps face light up and him say wow I relaxed!
Of course Squirt had grown, of course he was ok!
I guess somebody who is that precious to you, you will never take for granted.
They have to be seen to be believed.

Although I knew what a 12 week ultrasound looked like I couldnt believe that Squirt had grown that much in 4 weeks.
From a tiny little blob to a fully formed baby.
He has a perfect little button nose and gorgeous little lips.
The ultrsound tech even counted all his fingers and toes, I was blown away!

And we werent wrong.
He is so very active!
He spent the entire scan kicking me or trying to eat his hand!
He even waved at P but I missed that because the ultrasound tech hadnt turned the screen enough!

Now I know I am biased but Squirt is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen!
I am more in love with him than I thought was possible!

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

New Ground

It seems Squirt is one active little baby.
I am so glad we started using the doppler early on as I think if we had first tired now we would have been discouraged.

At 9 weeks he was so easy to find as he seemed to hang out in the same place all the time.
Obviously now at 11 weeks he is alot more mobile and moves so much we end up chasing him around with the doppler!

His heartbeat has got much stronger in those 2 weeks and there are lots of movement noises going on in ther aswell.
I find it so amazing to be able to hear how my precious baby is developing inside me.

We have our 12 week scan next monday and I cant wait to see Squirt and see how much he has changed since his blob photo we have!

Aswell as hearing changes I can also see changes in me.
My stomach has got a noticeable bulge to it now, just above my bikini line.
That bulge is Squirt growing up into my tummy, I love it!
I am also getting covered in blue veins, another thing I find amazing!

I guess the next big change will be me starting to show and feeling kicks which I know wont happen for a while but they will be well worth the wait!

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Doppler £50, Ultrasound Gel £3....................

....................Hearing your babies heartbeat for the first time, Priceless!!

We invested in a home doppler, a proper one, it may have cost alot but I dont care.
It is worth every penny and is the best thing I have ever bought.

At first I was scared to use it, what if we couldnt find Squirt and I got all worried for no reason.
But P convinced me that by week 9 we should find our little Squirt, so I braved my fears and we tried.

Almost straight away we heard the most amazing sound, one I will never forget as long as I live.
The fast galloping, steady beat of our babies heart, coming from within my tummy!
I couldnt speak, I just laid there grinning at P, almost unable to believe that was Squirt, but at the same time knowing without a doubt it really was him.
My precious baby, with a strong fast heartbeat!

I could listen to that sound all day long, it is beautiful.
Ive recorded it on my phone, so that whenever I need to hear it I can.

Squirt has a hb of between 160-180 at 9 weeks.
I cannot wait to hear how it changes over the next 31 weeks as he grows bigger and stronger!

Monday, 26 September 2011

Cloud Nine

Today we went for our first u/s for Squirt.

It was an emergency scan because I had some heavyish spotting on saturday and was terrified I might lose Squirt.
The spotting stopped completely a couple of hours after it began and was replaced with brown cm which was gone by Sunday afternoon.

Strangely enough after the initial shock of seeing the blood I actual still had a good feeling about Squirt and this morning on the way to the hospital I didnt have that same fear Id had with Pup and Lumpy.
I felt calm and excited to see my baby!

I guess Mum knows best because we saw our precious Squirt on the screen almost straight away!
Squirts heart beating away is the most beautiful and perfect sight I have ever seen and I will never forget that moment!
P was crying while we were looking at Squirt and I just couldnt stop grinning!
Our baby, our Squirt is alive and has a heartbeat!
Aswell as having a heartbeat Squirt is measuring exactly the right size, down to the the day that FF keep telling me right!
So I am 7+6 today and go back in exactly 4 weeks time to see my gorgeous Squirt again!

I have never been so happy!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Something to worry about

I have found myself starting to worry these last few days, but not about what I would expect to be worried about.

There is no worrying for Squirt, not because I dont care (obviously I care about Squirt more than I care about myself) but mostly because I just have this feeling that he/she will be ok.
Strangely enough I dont have a feeling about whether Squirt is a boy or a girl like I did with Lumpy and Pup.
Mostly I feel Squirt could be a girl but then I find myself thinking about Squirt being a boy instead so at the moment Im not sure.

The worrying is about us moving house
We have had an offer accepted on a new house so it looks like we really are moving.
The enormity of it is hitting me now its real.
While I am pregnant and should be avoiding lifting things we have to pack up our entire house and move it somewhere else.

Of course there is a reason for us moving.
We need more space. The new house has two double bedrooms and one single (Squirts nursery)
It has a downstairs toilet and an en suite to our bedroom.
It has a huge back garden for M to run around in like crazy, and for Squirt to play in when he/she is bigger.
It is perfect for us.
Yet part of me doesnt want to leave our lovely little house.
I love it, it is home.
The new house wont be home for a while.
I know it will be one day and then I will love the new house too.

Part of the worrying has been down to not wanting to leave, and part of it has been worrying that something might not go to plan and we might not end up moving.
I think I just need somethng to worry about!

And I am so very glad to discover that none of my worrying has been directed at whether Squirt is ok or not.
I have had a few moments on the last few days where Ive actually 'remembered' that Im pregnant.
Ive been day dreaming, as I do alot, and suddenly realised that I am actually, really and truely pregnant, its strange!
Its like Im finally able to let go and let Squirt grow without feeling like I need to worry to protect him/her.

Its a good feeling!

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

What could have been............

6th Spetember 2011

Lumpys due date. The day I shouldve been welcoming my precius new baby into the world.

Now I know most babies dont come on their due dates but at the very least I should be excitedly looking forward to meeting my little baby.

I got a reminder of it in the post today, as if I need a reminder of what day it is.
A free magazine that I had signed up to when I first found out I was pregnant with Lumpy.
It was full of articles about new born babies and how this is one of the happiest times of your life.
Needless to say I didnt read any of the articles, Ive put it to one side with the rest of the baby and pregnancy stuff that has arrived in the post in the last 9 months.

In 8 months time in May I will be able to read it with a smile on my face and a baby screaming in the background!

We lit a candle for Lumpy today.
I expected to feel like crying but strangly I didnt.
I was glad to be able to do something to say goodbye to Lumpy.
Its almost like Ive not been able to let go since I lost him.

I think being pregnant again with Squirt is really helping me deal with today.
If I wasnt pregnant today would have been harder.
But at the same time it doesnt make it any easier.
Its confusing because if Lumpy was still here, Sqiurt wouldnt be, and I would have had that short time being pregnant with Pup either.
So feeling sad that Lumpy is gone makes me feel bad for Squirt, and loving Squirt makes me feel I am betraying Lumpy (which I know is ridiculous really!)

Also there is still a long way to go with Squirt, all the exciting milestones that Ive never reached before are still a lifetime away.
But I can actually see me reaching them with Squirt and that is a good feeling.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Third Time Lucky?

I cant believe I am lucky enough to be able to say this again, Im pregnant.
I feel so so happy and for some reason I dont have the fear that accompanied my last BFP.

I woke up so early this morning and my temperature was still so high I just knew I was pregnant, but at the same time I couldnt admit it to myself.
It was like if I admitted that I knew I was pregnant AF would suddenly appear out of nowhere.

I tried to ignore what I was thinking and go back to sleep but I couldnt.
So I gave in and took a test and I really truely am pregnant!!!

I dont know what else to say, altho I kind of knew I was I think I am a little bit shocked.
P is feeling very pleased with himself that he has kept his manly track record up of more than a 50% success rate, Im glad we can laugh about it, it feels good to be happy and not scared of being pregnant!

Sunday, 14 August 2011


Today, exactly 22 years ago, my one day old baby sister lost her brave fight and passed away.

I used to find myself thinking about her at strange times before I became a Mummy to my two angels but now I think about her even more.

I wonder if this makes me selfish. That now I know how it feels I take time to remember her more than I used to.
And can I call it remembering when I dont have any real memory of her. I was nearly 4 years old when she was born.
I vividly remember dancing with joy with my older sister when we were told we had a baby sister, I was so excited.
Then my next memory is of my Mum being home from the hospital but she hadnt brought the baby with her and she was so sad.
I held S after she had passed away but I dont remember it. I went to her funeral but I dont remember it.
Still I am so glad my parents felt it right to include us. I dont know why Ive kept the memories I have and why I lost the memories of holding her and of her funeral. But I am still glad I wasnt left out. Maybe my mind chose to remember the memories that evoke the strongest emotions.
That extreme happiness and then extreme sadness. Im pretty sure I didnt fully understand that my sister had passed away when I held her and probably didnt know what a funeral was. But I knew how happy I was to be a big sister and how sad I was when I saw my Mum so sad.

Suddenly realising S wouldve had her 22nd birtday yesterday brings me to suddenly realise that tomorrow I wouldve been 37 weeks pregnant. Or on Wednesday I wouldve been 18 weeks pregnant.
Somewhere between losing Pup and here I have stopped obsessively counting the weeks. I had to go so far as to look it up on my calendar.
Not that Ive forgotten a thing about my angels, far from it. How it felt to carry them is something I miss every second. Their due dates are forever tattoed in my brain and across my heart.

But somehow it seems I have started to live again, without needing the comfort of counting the weeks of my non existing pregnancy.
I think this is a good sign, a healthy thing. But I cant help but feel guilty.
Will my angels think I dont care anymore. Will they think they dont matter to me anymore.

I know that is not the case but it just feels wrong.

The real case is that me and P have been trying to use losing our angels as a motivation to make the biggest leap of our lives and invest in a proper family home.
We own our little 2 bedroom house, but it is exactly that, little.
It is not big enough for what we desperately want, a family.
When I was pregnant we thought it would do. But now these cruel 6 months have given us a chance to try and buy a house bigger than we ever thought we could afford.

It is our dream house. Everything we have ever wanted in a house. Perfect for having kids in and perfect for Maisie.
So I am reluctant to invest too much emotion in it right now.
We are 25 days from finding out if it is really and treuly ours despite our offer being accepted and I find myself holding back from being excited.

If this year has taught me anything it has taught me that things that seem too good to be true usually are.
I know how it feels to have your dreams ripped away and I do not want to go there again.

I am not for one second comparing the soul destroying pain of losing a baby to not getting the dream house. I am not that shallow.
But the right family home is important to us, because family is important to us. And we want to do everything we can do to be able to enjoy our children when we are lucky enough to be blessed with their arrival.

So while my body may have robbed me of control over starting a family we hope to get back some control in choosing where we start our family.

I only hope this year ends in a happier way than it started.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Too soon?

It only seems right that I should mention the physical side of things aswell as the emotional as the two are more connected than I sometimes realise.

I have had my first post d&c period which means technically me and P are ready to TTC again.
I even ovulated that first cycle after the d&c and early for me aswell, which in itself is a minor miracle. I Od on CD 20, a whole 8 days earlier than I ever have since I began charting last October.

So now I am faced with the thought that in a few weeks time I could be waiting to find out if I am pregnant again and I dont know how I feel about that.

I am excited to see that I Od early this past cycle, as I have been worrying that it is my late O that has caused me to lose both Lumpy and Pup.
I am hoping so so much that I O around the same time this cycle but I dont want to get my hopes up too high, then there is only further for them to fall.

At the same time as this hope, I am, for the first time, feeling a sense of dread about possibly being pregnant again.
I dont want to have that constant fear that I might lose my baby.
I dont want to have that constant worry that I might do something that might harm my baby.

This is new to me and it is so confusing.
I want to be pregnant, more than anything in the whole world.
But I want to be happily pregnant, not terrified pregnant.

Last time, after losing Lumpy, all I could think about was getting pregnant again asap.
I desperately wanted, even needed to be pregnant before Lumpys EDD.
Well now I know that doesnt matter.
I got pregnant before Lumpys EDD and then went and lost Pup too.

Now I have no milestones in my head.
Lumpys EDD is just over 6 weeks away.
I will not be pregnant by then.
And although that is not fine with me, it is the way it has to be, so I accept that.

So how do I go about TTC with all these thoughts going round in my head.
The sad fact is that right now I am happier being not pregnant than I would be being pregnant and that makes me sad.
And its not because being pregnant makes me miserable.
It is the complete opposite.
Being pregnant makes me feel more alive than ever. But with that joy and hope comes the possiblity of losing everything all over again.
And I just dont know how many times I can have my heart ripped apart before I actually cant carry on.

Maybe Im just not as strong as I make out.
But I must be strong, because not ttc again will not get me my longed for baby.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Life goes on.....

I should be almost 33 weeks pregnant today. I should be thinking about giving up work and rubbing my belly all the time. I should have had a baby shower and be eagerly awaiting meeeting my precious Lumpy.

Or failing that I should be almost 14 weeks pregnant, having just had my first proper scan and seen my baby Pup moving around for the very first time. I should be joyfully showing everyone my u/s photos and feeling so happy because of the baby growing in my tummy.

But no I am neither of those things. I am waiting for my period to come so me and P can begin TTC again. I am feeling empty inside. I am waking up at 0500 every morning to take my temperature.

And it makes me feel very sad. And makes life feel very unfair.
It seems as if the rest of the world is mocking me.
Yesterday alone I was constantly surrounded by pregnant women at work. First of all there was the patient whos grandaughter accompanied us to hospital, heavily pregnant.
Then there was the district nurse who turned up at our patients house, 6 months pregnant and moaning about the heat!
Then there was the sister who we handed our pateint over to at hospital who is 7 months pregnant.
It seems I cant get away from reminders of what Ive lost at the moment.

Even in my dreams I am haunted by images of pregnant people. I dreamt about a girl I work with, who is due 2 weeks after I should have due with Lumpy. She turned up in my dream, looking 7 months pregnant (as she is) and wanting to talk to me. I turned and walked away form her (as I probably would in real life) Ive not seen her since I lost Lumpy and at that time she didnt look pregnant.

But with all of these feelings I am surprising myself at how well I am doing, and how well P is doing.
We are trying to get on with life as best we can. Like the song by Bruce Springsteen goes
'If God gives you nothing but lemons, then you make some lemonade'

We are using the terrible hand we have been dealt to try and move on with our life in a way we wouldnt have been able to if I was still 7 months pregnant. We are going to try and move to a bigger family home.
I am well aware of the danger of moving to a family home with no family to put in it.
That is precisely the reason I refused to move house before we concieved Lumpy. I wanted a family to put in our family house.

But after spending time in the midset of 'Lifes not fair' and 'Why me' we have decided to try and put a positive spin on me not being pregnant.
If I was 7 months pregnant I would be about to give up full time work for a long long time. I had planned to keep my job but when I returned after Lumpy was born I was going to work part time.
That would mean we couldnt afford to get an increase on our mortgage to buy a family home.
So although we didnt really care, we just wanted a baby, we would have been stuck in our 2 bedroom house for a few more years.

Seeing as we cant have the baby we desperately want when we should be having him will we try and buy the family home we will hopefully eventually need. At least that is something we can control.
We have learnt that there is not much in life you can control, so the things that are within our control, we will make them the best they can be and hope that the things we cant control happen for us soon.

Seeing as life goes on, we may as well keep up with it!

Monday, 11 July 2011

What is Normal anyway

Obviously all I seem to be asked at the moment by friends and family is 'Are you OK?'

I am very tempted to answer it truthfully.

'My two Babies are now Angel Babies so actually I am not ok and I never will be, but thanks for asking, how are you?!'

But instead I just shrug and say 'Yeah Im OK'
I cant be bothered. I cant be bothered to take the time to explain that I will never be 'normal' again.

After Lumpy I found a new normal that was not really the old me, but would have to do.
Now after Pup I have found another new normal. The funny thing is that I think I am probably closer to my old self than after Lumpy.

And its not because I care less that Pup is gone. Its because sadly I have been here before. I know that I wont get back to 'normal' and instead of endlessly searching for it, Im sticking right where I am, and finding things to do that make me happy and make me smile. And that is how Ive found a little bit of my old normal. Not a lot of it but abit.

I played football yesterday and had a really good day with my team. I laughed and messed around. I felt that great feeling when you are playing well and you score and everything is great.
And thats when the old normal ended and the new normal began. Because then I had to think about whether I would sign up for the season coming up. So immeadiately I started thinking about how much of the season I would be able to play if I got pregnant in the next few months.

So although I may be finding some of my old normal I am still living with a new normal. But thats ok.
Who wants to be normal anyway! Normal is uninteresting isnt it.

Actually me, Id like to be normal. Just for a bit.
Id like to be like a normal person who gets pregnant and then 9 months later gives birth to a beautiful healthy baby.
Id like to be a normal person who hasnt lost 2 pieces of their heart to their angels.
Id like to be an normal person who doesnt know how fragile life is.
Id like to be a normal person who gets called Mummy.

It seems like maybe part of my life is getting back to what I call normal though.
Since my d&c I have been charting, because I need to feel like I am doing something.
My temperatures have been abit more crazy than they were after the first d&c but still they came down.
Then 5 days ago it seems I ovulated, on CD 20. Which is pretty much unheard of for me. CD 28 is normal for me and it has been as late as CD 34. So what is my body up to?
The most logical explanation is that actually I havent ovulated at all and my temperatures are still all over the place from the d&c.
But maybe, just maybe the changes that can happen to your cycle from being pregnant have for once worked in my favour and made me, dare I say it, almost normal?

Its highly unlikely, but Ill take even a fraction of hope right now!

Friday, 1 July 2011

For my Angels

How Many Pieces

How many loving pieces,
Can one heart give away?

Until it’s too small and broken,
To beat day after day.

You see I have two Angels,
Each hold a piece of my heart,
I gave it to them willingly,
Right from the very start.

When my first Angel took a piece,
I gave it with no fear,
Certain I would get it back,
With his birth later that same year.

But my precious little angel,
Silently slipped away,
So I pledged he could hold my heart,
Forever and a day.

With my second little angel,
I knew the danger of raw pain,
That if I gave a piece away,
I may never see it again.

That didn’t stop me giving,
And giving with such love,
But now my angel hugs my heart,
As she looks down from above.

So as I sit here crying,
With an empty womb and empty arms,
And a heart too bruised and shattered,
To protect me from more harm.

I don’t regret the love I gave,
Or that my angels have my heart,
They earned it as they grew in my,
And they really left their mark.

The question that I ask myself,
And will ask it everyday,
Is do I have enough heart left
For when more angels come to stay?

Written for Lumpy and Pup
Mummy loves you and misses you all the time.
Night night and sweet dreams.


Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Who Am I?

Its nearly 2 weeks since Pup was taken away from me.
Most of the time I think that I might just be doing ok.
But Im not really. I think Ive told so many people Im ok that Im starting to believe it myself.

I am so far from ok.
I am lost, I am scared, I am alone, I am hurting, I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.
Most of all I am devastated.

I spend alot of time analysing how I am feeling at the moment.
And just today I realised something.
Not only do I desperately miss Lumpy and Pup, and I really really miss them even though I only knew them for a short time. But I also miss the old me.

So much about my life is different to before December, before I was pregnant.
Up until December I went running with Maisie about 4 times a week. I havent been running since April and even then it was only a token effort, not a proper run.
Up until December I couldnt wait to play my next football game and got frustrated if I had to work. Now I dont even know if I want to sign up next season.
Up until December I cycled to work more often than not. I have only cycled to work twice this year.

Those things may not seem very important to some people but to me they are everything.
Exercise was a massive part of my life and has made me who I am.
I will give it up in a heartbeat if I get pregnant again but that is the problem.
I have given it up for 6 months and Im still no closer to being a Mum.

I gave it up to be a Mum.
I was happy to trade running for walking around with a pushchair.
I was happy to trade football for playing with my baby.
I was happy to trade cycling to work for days in at home with my family.

But now I have nothing.
I have stopped doing everything I love because I want to be a Mum but I cant even have that.
So I am left feeling frustrated and lost.

But I am not bitter about having given up so much that is important to me.
I wanted to give it up.
What I am bitter about is having my chance at being a Mum ripped away from me.
I gave up things that might not be best for my baby and what did I get in return? Absolutely nothing.

Aswell as feeling like Ive lost a part of my identity with giving up exercise, what is really hurting me is losing an identity I never really got given.
Just for a few weeks each time, I was going to be a Mummy and P was going to be a Daddy.
But that has been snatched away from us. Nobody sees us as a Mummy or a Daddy.
The most important of identities, the one that I value so highly that I was willing to give up everything else is something I have no control over.
I cant work hard at it like I can with running or football.
Hard work wont make me more likely to be seen as a Mummy.
No matter what I do I cant 'train' at being a Mummy.
The role that lands in so many womens laps with little or no effort still eludes me.
The one thing that I wish I could 'try harder' at is something that is beyond me.

And while I say I miss the old me, I dont really.
I miss the old me in the sense that back then I was happy with what I had.
I miss enjoying going running and I miss that rush of adrenaline when platying football.
But I know that now I wont get those feelings when running or playing football.
I will still feel this emptiness inside me.
Now although I realise how lucky I am to have P and Maisie I want a family.

I can get back into running and go back to playing football with very little effort. I can pretty much pick up where I left off as Im still pretty active.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world I cant do that with.
When I get pregnant again it wont be with Lumpy or Pup, and I cant continue with where I lost either one of them.
I am forced to go back to the beginning.

And I dont know how many times I can cope with that.

Friday, 17 June 2011


I went for my d&c today.
I hope I will never again be sitting in that surgical prep room waiting for that operation.
Once was too much, twice was just plain unfair, a third time just doesnt bear thinking about.

I feel different this time, not physically but emotionally.
Last time I felt desperately sad and lost.
This time I thought I was doing ok because I havent been crying all the time.
Its like I dont have the energy to feel anything, like I cant be bothered to feel the pain.

But just now I reaslised I am not doing ok.
I have lost that hope again. I have lost the reason for excitement and happiness.
I have nothing to look forward to.

And its not that I have a rubbish life.
I have two weddings to go to in the next month and a half.
I have plans to go away with P in September.
And thats when it hits me. That is why I have that horrible numbness and lack of feeling.

Because we are not going away in September for fun.
We are going away because neither of us can bear to be at work or even at home on Lumpys EDD.
I should still be pregnant, and not just 9 weeks pregnant, but 28 weeks pregnant.
I should be watching my ever growing bump and feeling Lumpy move.
I should be looking forward to giving birth to my beautiful baby.

But I am not.
I am recovering from another d&c because I lost another baby and I never even got over losing my first.
I am again trying to come to terms with my future without a baby in it.
I was jsut starting to live again after losing Lumpy when I got Pregnant again.
Maybe it was too soon, I dont know, but I needed to be pregnant again.
I needed to know that I would have a baby in my future soon.

I still have that need.
But I also have a fear.
A fear that next time will end just like this time, and the first time.
In tears and disbelieve.

I can no longer see any hope for happiness when I imagine being Pregnant.
All I can see is a positive pregnancy test follwed by a few weeks of worrying.
All I can see is a scan followed by weeks of pain and tears.
All I can see is a d&c followed by days of frustration at my slow recovery.
I feel like I am stuck forever in a cycle of trying to concieve, getting pregnant and having a missed miscarriage and I dont know how to break it.

I cant not try again, because that wont help me have a baby.

Friday, 10 June 2011

History repeating itself

So 2 days ago me and P braved the gut wrenching nerves and went for the early ultrasound.
The one that would tell us if I had suffered the same cruel missed miscarriage as last time, or if in fact I was actually still pregnant and Pup had a heartbeat.

I wish I could say it was different this time.
I wish I could be putting Pups heart rate down on this page and saying how she moved around and looked alive.
But I cant.
Because I cant change what has happened.

Pup died around 3 weeks ago.
In fact Pup may have never grown at all, we dont really know.
The radiographer told me I had a 8 week gestational sac and a yolk sac but nothing more. I was 8 weeks pregnant so we should have seen more.
It appears Pup is what the medical profession call a Blighted Ovum meaning we didnt even get to see a fetal pole this time.
Initally I thought this meant there had never been a baby at all, but after finding a very helpful book on recurrent miscarriages it appears the now accepted belief is that when no fetal pole is seen it is not because it didnt develop but because it has been reabsorbed by the body before it had a chance to be seen.

Whatever the medical reasoning behind it we have lost Pup just like we lost Lumpy and it hurts.
It hurts more than I thought it could after losing Lumpy, and in a strange way it feels different.
Not becaue I dont care. But because we have been here before and we know what will be happening.

We will go back to the hospital next Wednesday and have a rescan.
And they will tell us there is no change and that there is still no fetal pole.
Then I will have the d&c.
Then I will go home and try to feel better.
Then I will go back to work and feel depressed and hopeless and uninterested all over again.
Then we will start TTC again.

Looking at this all written down it sounds cruel and heartless as if Pup didnt matter to me.
That fact couldnt be further from the truth.
I have cried more tears in the last two days than I did in the first week of losing Lumpy.
Because last time I was numb, this time I am not.
There was no shock at the news, I was expecting it, because it had happened before.
There was no refusing to accept it.
There was just pain and grief and anger at the unfairness of it all.

Above all there is fear that this may happen again and Im not sure I could cope with that.
So instead of sinking into despair at the thought of it happening I have come up with all sorts of ideas of what me and P can do to try and save our as yet unconcieved baby.

We will visit my Gp and demand to be referred to a specialist.
If they wont agree to that we will ask them to do blood tests.
I will get the direct phone number of the hospital so I can arrange an early scan as soon as I know Im pregnant next time.
Because after our track record I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, and probably quickly.
We have a 50% success rate- 2 pregnancies in 4 months of trying. It almost makes me feel like I deserved to lose my babies because I concieved them so easily. Which I know makes no sense but it doesnt stop me thinking it.

This is what has helped me to find a focus out of the fog of sadness and despair.
Its still there but I am not letting it consume me this time.

Monday, 6 June 2011

I have my first scan for this pregnancy in 2 days time and any small bit of hope I had for Pup being Ok is starting to leave me.

I still feel Pregnant. I feel more pregnant than I ever did with Lumpy.
I feel more sick, more often.
I feel more bloated, all the time.
My boobs are sore and have grown quicker than before.

But now that I have a time and a date for the scan the only thing I can think of is that last terrible scan.
My scan will be on 8th June, my last scan was on 8th Feburary.
4 whole months in between them. But it feels like a whole lifetime.
So much has changed and will never be the same again.

All I can see when I try and imagine what the scan will be like is Lumpys lifeless litttle dot on the screen.
All I can hear when I try and imagine the u/s tech showing us our baby is her saying 'This doesnt look like a 12 weeks pregnancy, how many weeks are you supposed to be?'

I know its only natural to worry because of our experience with Lumpy but as well as worrying about the outcome of the scan I am worrying about what all this worrying is doing to Pup!

Why do we worry when it doesnt change anything. Worrying wont make Pup grow any stronger or bigger. It wont make Pup less likely to die. It wont make Pup healthier.
But still I do it.

Wednesday seems ages away and yet it is less than 48 hours.
It cant come soon enough and yet I dont want it to come at all.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Hoping for the best....Preparing for the worst

I hate that I have to think this way.
I guess its unavoidable after losing Lumpy to a missed m/c.
I find myself doing things to cushion myself against the pain of losing this baby.

Ive told quite a few of my friends about this new pregnancy.
More than I told about Lumpy, even when I thought Id made it to 10 weeks.
The reason for doing this isnt because I am an eternal optimist.
It is because then they will understand why I am so sad when I miscarry again.
I am trying to protect myself against the soul destroying pain that accompanies losing a baby.

Except I cant. Because no matter how I try and ready myself for it, if it comes I will still be so unprepared and vulnerable.
But I cant stop myself trying.

Its like I am completely unable to preapre for a happy ending, it seems like I assuming to much to prepare to be happy.
I had my first midwife appointment today and left with loads of pregnancy leaflets etc.
The first few apges of the pregnancy handbook I started to look through were all about labour and delivery.
I started crying. I cant believe they would put that at the beginning of the booklet. How dare they assume I will get to that point so easily. As if it a guaurentee that once you get Pregnant you will make it so far as to give birth to your baby. It didnt work like that last time for me.And Im terrified it wont again this time.
So I stopped reading the stupid optimistic booklet. I will only read information on the week of pregnancy I am in right now. I dont even dare to sneak a peek ahead to the next week to see what Pup will be up to. It makes me feel lilke I am rushing her and daring to think ahead when this week isnt even over yet.

I hope I dont feel like this constantly. But I cant even bring myself to say I hope I dont feel like this for the next 8 months. Because that in itself shows an assumption I am not willing to make. That Pup will stay in my tummy for the entire 9 months and not leave me too early like Lumpy did.

I knew this would be hard but I didnt know Id be so scared to think of the future.

Saturday, 14 May 2011


So Im Pregnant again.

I dont really know what else to say.
There was no jumping up and down at the two pink lines this time.
I just walked into the bedroom and showed P and half smiled at him.

There is no imagining our future with a happy smiling baby come January.
There is only the fear of my ultrasound and the bad news it can bring.

Dont get me wrong, I realise how incredibly lucky and blessed me and P are to have gotten Pregnant so quickly and I want this baby more than anything in the world.

I actually dont feel the sense of dread I thought I would, I feel relatively optimistic about this LO.
So much so that P has already been allowed to come up with a nickname.
'Pup' came from a holiday he took to Arizon. All the parents there seemed to call their children Pup and when he told me I thought it was so cute.
I am only too aware of the dangers of nicknaming Pup so early.
I have allowed myself and P to get attached when we know how easily our baby can be ripped away from us.
But I cant help it. I already love her so so much and I cant imagine going through the next 9 months denying Pups existance or pretending that I havent pinned all my hopes and dreams on her arriving safely.

This feeling of love and happiness that Pup is in my tummy is replaced with a sudden sharp feeling of fear whenever I allow my mind to wander as far as the first ultrasound.
All I can hear are the words 'I am not looking at a 12 week Pregnancy, how far along should you be'

So instead I dont think much about the future.
I concentrate on how Pregnant I am today and what Pup has already achieved by making it this far.
I think to myself ;Today I am happy because today I am Pregnant.'

That is all I can do because otherwise I will be consumed by the panic and fear of the possiblity of losing Pup.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Adventure is out there

Ive spent a lot of time these last few days feeling guilty for wishing my life away.
Iwant to be a Mummy so badly that Ive been so uninterested in everything other than TTC and being Pregnant again.
Those feelings have caused me to lose appreciation for the things I do have and the fun times that I am able to hve with P and Maisie.

It was really brought home to me today while watching 'UP' with P. The first time I watched that film was when we had just started TTC Lumpy and I was worried I might never get Pregnant.
So it made me cry because I thought that could be me.

Then I got Pregnant and obviously the worry about never getting Pregnant went away.
Now my fear is not that I wont get Pregnant but its that any Pregnancy I have will end in tears and heartbreak.
So today when I watched 'UP' I cried again because at the moment the women at the beginning is me.
At the moment I dont have a baby.

Then the film goes on to show the happy times the couple spend together and how much they love each other and I realised something.
Though the women in the story may be me I am still lucky.
I have a Husband who I love and who loves me and we are really happy together.
We are sad that we dont have Lumpy but with each other we are happy. And that is such an important thing.
No matter what happens on our TTC journey we have each other and always will do.
Our life together is one big adventure and I will try my very best to enjoy the steps we take no matter where they lead us.

I noticed something else about 'UP' today that I didnt notice last time I watched it, the reason for that will become clear when I say what it is. When the women is looking up at the clouds dreaming of having a baby she seees another shape in the clouds, an elephant with wings. I couldnt believe it when I saw it. A massive coincidence that in a film that begins with a couples inability to have a baby there is a cloud shaped like an elephant, the very animal Lumpy was named after. And not just any elephant but an angel elephant. Just like Lumpy is our angel. I thought it was really strange.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Welcome to the real world

I started writing this post over a week ago. On the day Lumpy shouldve been inside me for 20 weeks.
The day I shouldve been celebrating being halfway through my pregnancy.

Instead I was at work dreaming about what shouldve been.
Then to make matters worse when I got home I had a letter through my door telling my I was having my 20 week scan this week.
I wanted to scream. I am not having my 20 week scan because my baby didnt live long enough.
I dont need these constant reminders of what my life should be like right now. Its hard enough every Tuesday counting the weeks I should be, the milestones I should be experiencing, without reminders of what Ive lost coming through my door all the time.

Compounding my sense of loss and sadness is the fact that I am now on CD 29 of my second cycle after losing Lumpy and I still havent Ovulated.
Not even ovulating and therefor not even having a chance at getting pregnant again is hurting me alot.

Losing Lumpy was the single hardest thing that Ive ever experienced in my life and I thought I was learning to live as the new me. The me whose lost their reason for happiness. The me whose lost their reason to smile.
But this limbo Ive been thrown back into, of desperately wanting to TTC but my body not cooperating, is breaking me apart all over again.

Getting pregnant again and the lengths I have to go to to get there is taking over my life. I cannot think about anything else, except how much it hurts to not be pregnant with Lumpy anymore.
I know this is no way to live but I cannot turn off how I feel.

I wake up at 0500 every morning because my alarm goes off so I can take my temperature to see if Ive ovulated.
I POAS every morning to see if I get a positive OPK.
I check my fertile signs to see if I might be about to ovulate.
I spend all day analysing how Im feeling and if I have any sign that I may have ovulated or not.
Then it starts all over again the next day.

I know I dont have to go through as much as some women, such as taking clomid or doing IVF but at the moment I feel like clomid may be not too far down the line for me.
And that scares me. Not because I wont do it because I will. I will do anything to have a healthy baby. But it scares me that I may be TTC in vain at the moment. My cycles are so messed up I cant see anyway I can possibly even get pregnant let alone have a healthy baby. But I cant just sit around and watch my body ovulate without TTC. If there is any chance I can get pregnant I will try but I just dont know if Im setting myself up for another miscarriage.

Friday, 15 April 2011

A Beautiful Memory

Today marks Two months and One week from that day.
The most terrible day of mine and Ps life. The day we were told our baby was not measuring the right size and was too tiny for them to be able to tell if He had a heartbeat.

I feel terrible that I didnt even notice the date last week.
It was my first proper shift back at work and I suppose I was busy. But I write the date down on every patient record sheet we use, so how did I not notice.
It makes me feel like I no longer care or that Ive forgotten, which of course is rubbish.
But I cant escape from the fact that I just didnt realise and I hate that.

Lumpy is always on my mind. Even if I am not actively thinking of how much I miss Him there is always a part of me that is with Him.
And almost everything I do or see makes me think of Lumpy.

 I played football two days ago, I hadnt done that since before I was Pregnant with Lumpy.
At football a teamate was there who I had not seen for ages. She wasnt playing so I asked her why. She told me she was Pregnant. I felt sick. I smiled at her and said congratulations. Then I walked off and sat in the toilet on my own. I didnt cry, I couldnt cry. I was about to go and play football. All at once my good mood at being back with my team mates in a familiar role was shattered. I wasnt Pregnant. I wasnt about to become a Mummy. But I should be. I hate how life is so unfair. I hate how I can feel so awful at someone elses amazing and beautiful news.

Playing football, once I got into it was good. I loved it again. I thought I would spend every second on the pitch wishing I wasnt there and I wasnt able to play because I was Pregnant but actually I didnt. It was great to be back. I rememebered why I loved it before and I feel glad to see small parts of my old self creeping back.
Dont get me wrong. If I had a choice I would choose being Pregnant in a heartbeat. If I could never play football again, because of our child, once they were born I wouldnt care. But right now I dont have that choice. Right now all I have are things that drag me back to who I used to be. Things that help me to appreciate that while I may hate my life without Lumpy I can still find happiness in some small places.

The thoughts about wishing I couldnt do something because I wish I was still Pregnant are still there. But while Im playing football they are banished. While I was on the pitch I was concentrating on the match and that was good for me I think. Its one of the only things Ive done recently that hasnt left any space in my head for thinking. Even going running doesnt stop me thinking completely, it just helps my thoughts to be more positive.

Another thing that has been helping me over the past week has been focusing my energy on our garden.
I came home from work the other day to find P had made a start on the garden and I immeadiately thought of Lumpy.
There is a reason for that. P had said to me when I was Pregnant that he wanted to redo the garden before Lumpy was born. This was because we had a bark path and Maisie was allowed out in the garden through her catflap whenever she faniced. This combination meant cleaning up after her was a game of hide and seek amongst the bark and so was not the most hygienic place to let a small baby spend time in.
After we lost Lumpy P had not mentioned the garden at all and I was happy to just leave it, it was fine for just the two of us.
So when I came home to find he had thrown all the bark out and had big plans for the new garden I initailly felt sad.
We were meant to be doing all this so we could spend time in the garden with Lumpy next summer. He is not here anymore so we dont need to waste our time on it. We will never get to enjoy spending time playing with Lumpy in the garden, we will never get to do anything with Lumpy and that hurts.
But then I realised that this way I could help P. Sadly I am no longer Pregnant and unable to lift. Redoing the garden before I get Pregnant again means we can enjoy it together just the two of us this summer. (I hate saying 'just the two of us' but thats all there is for now).
So since I managed to look at what we can do with me not being Pregnant it has been easier to get things done. And I have to say I have enjoyed it. I have enjoyed being out in our garden, making plans for it and imaginig it all finished and us enjoying relaxing in it. Ive even started getting excited about how it will look when its finished. I must confess part of the happy daydreaming about our new garden does involve a big soft rug on our new decking with a smiling baby lying on it with me and P. At least for now I am thinking of a baby and smiling, that has to be an improvement.
P has laid a beautiful new path. At the end of the path he kept a area of mortar for Maisies paw print. I also put my hand print and I asked P to write our wedding anniversary date next to it. Partly because obviously its our house and our anniversary, but also because that was Lumpys due date. When P called me back over to see it finished instead of our wedding anniversary he had written 'LUMPY 2011'. It made me smile. That he was thinking of Lumpy the same as me. That I didnt even have to ask but he knew that it would make me happy. So the path is in memory of our Lumpy. Lumpy is the reason that we wanted to redo the garden so its only fitting that His name stays in our garden forever.

Our precious first child. Loved forever, remembered always.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

One step forward....Ten steps backwards

I miss you my little Lumpy.
The strength of how much I miss you  has come out of nowhere and knocked me sideways.
It feels so fresh and new, as if we only found out yesterday.

You should have been in my tummy for 18 weeks today.
I should be starting to feel you move soon.
You should be starting to be visible to the outside world, showing in my tummy.

But instead I am left with an empty feeling inside me and an ache in my heart that wont go away.

I should be looking forward to meeting you in September.
I should be having a scan in 2 weeks time to get to see you again, moving around on a screen, kicking your legs..

But instead I am dreading the thought of September coming and going with no new arrival.

Everything I do reminds me that you are no longer here.
I can go running, I can lift weights, I can play football, I can wear my skinny jeans, I can go on rollercoasters, I can eat pate, I can drink caffine.
I dont have to think of anyone but myself. I can do whatever the hell I want

But I dont want to. I want to be thinking of your little life growing inside of me. I want to be careful for you.
I have never been so happy to have to miss out on things or not do things. I had the most magical and amazing reason to not be doing fun things.
I was pregnant, with you, my baby, my Lumpy.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Forever Young

So as I knew it would the confirmation that all these Pregnancy symptoms were for nothing has thrown me back into a grey world where everything is hopeless and the littlest things bring me to tears.

I hadnt had days where I would just feel like crying for a couple of weeks until I got my period and knew for sure I wasnt pregnant. Now it seems Im back to that fragile state where I have to be careful all the time just incase something reminds me of Lumpy and I cant hold back the tears.

It started in the car listening to a song. Just one of Ps songs he likes to listen to on the way to his kick boxing, nothing particulary emotional. Except its a song whose lyrics I first noticed when we were on the way to our second and final scan for Lumpy.

'Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst'

Quite optimistic lyrics and I remember at the time they brought me to tears. It was exactly what we were doing. Hoping against hope that our little baby would be a miracle and would have grown against all the odds. Preparing for the news that would change our lives forever. The news that our baby hadnt grown and did not have a heartbeart.

This time that I heard the song we were on our way to my Mums for Mothers day. Id already woken up in a particularly bad mood as I was tired, having just finished nights. Hearing those words was enough to send me straight back to that day. The fear in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, my baby has to be fine, because I wont be able to cope if He isnt.
Hearing it again also made me realise I havent really moved on from those feelings. Every month now I will be hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Hoping to be Pregnant but preparing not to be. Hoping to see 2 pink lines but preparing to get my period.

Ever since Lumpy has been gone Ive had wierd dreams that at first didnt make any sense to me. I keep dreaming about being back at either school, colleage or Uni. Not much happens in these dreams but I always have the same overwhelming feeling of dread and despair in my dreams. I do not want to be sitting in those classes, doing something I dont want to be doing. I have a strong sense that I shouldnt even be there, in that classroom. Like I should have left already and should be doing something else more interesting with my life. So in my dream I say to myelf 'Just a couple more years and you will be free. Free of this feeling of apathy and despair.'

It was only this morning when I was telling P about my dreams that I realised why Im having them over and over again. I was telling him and how I couldnt understand why I keep dreaming about a stage of my life that is over, and why in my dreams it seems so terrible when at the time it was actually pretty fun and easy.

It is because I feel like I have gone backwards in my life back to a stage I thought I had left behind. In other words I am not pregnant. I have gone back to a stage in my life that the first time around was brilliant. Me and P were a young married couple, in love and able to do anything we wanted.
Then we decided we wanted a baby so I changed a few things in my life, things I was happy to change.
I got Pregnant and a few more things changed in my life. I changed my role at work to protect my baby. I stopped playing football to protect my baby.
Now I am now longer pregnant I am able to do my old job, able to play football, able to drink alcohol. But this time around it all seems so terrible. I shouldn't be at this stage anymore. Ive been here before and I moved on, forwards with my life. But somehow it got taken away from me. I dont want to be part of a young married couple anymore. I want to be a young family, with a baby on the way. I dont want to be able to play football or drink alcohol, and I havent done either since we lost Lumpy.

My old life, that when it was the only life I knew, I loved, is now so hard and unbearable I find myself wondering how I was so happy before I got Pregnant.
I find little joy in things I used to love. The only place joy lives for me now is in the dreams of one day becoming a Mummy.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011


So for the past few days I havent really had anything to say, nothing new to do with how Im feeling about losing Lumpy anyway. So Ive not written anything.

The problem is not that Im not thinking about Lumpy or that Ive stopped being sad, because I havent. The problem is I still feel the ache of Lumpys loss just as strongly as I did but something else is occupying my thoughts almost as much as Lumpy is.

Me and P are TTC again and Im waiting to test. Two weeks. Its doesnt sound very long does it. Not when Pregnancy lasts for Forty weeks. Two weeks is nothing. At the same time it is an eternity.
My head is filled with crazy irrational thoughts that I cant ignore. What if I get a BFP, how will I know its a new Pregnancy? How will I ever feel happy about being pregnant again? What does this symptoms mean? It must mean Im Pregnant, or does it?!

All the time these thoughts are in my head they bring out an emotion I dont really like. Guilt.
I feel guilty for obsessing over whether I am Pregnant or not. Shouldnt I still be focused on Lumpy? Should I be this excited about the possiblity of being Pregnant again?
And I also worry. I worry that I shouldnt even be thinking about whether Im Pregnant or not because letting myself get caried away with thinking about maybe being Pregnant is only setting myself up for a fall. A fall I may struggle to get back up from.

So what do I do? I cannot stop myself from thinking about how I feel and the 'symptoms' I have, and there are alot of them! And I cant stop TTC. Me and P want a baby. So to have a baby we must TTC.
So I am stuck. In a place I dont like very much, unable to turn my brain off, unable to live like a normal person.

And what about Lumpy? How do I fit missing my baby in with wanting a baby.
I suppose its the same thing. We wanted Lumpy so so much that its only natural to still want a baby.
But I just feel so torn. I want Lumpy to be the name we are using for my belly, because I still want to be Pregnant. But Im not and there is nothing I can do about that.

I would be 17 weeks today. Maybe showing and getting closer to feeling Lumpy move.
I miss my little Lumpy.

Monday, 21 March 2011

I Hope You Can Hear Me

My precious longed for baby.

It has been exactly a month since I let you go.
One month. Twenty eight days.Six hundred and seventy two hours. A lifetime. An eternity.
Yet the blink of an eye.

I say let you go because you were already gone.
It is now thirty two days since we were told you were gone but even more than that since you left.

Why did you go? Why couldnt you stay?
I know you would have stayed if you could have, I bet you fought so hard. But you were too tiny to win.
Whatever it was that took you away was too strong for you, my little Lumpy.

I hope you're now somewhere safe where nothing can ever hurt you.
I hope you're happy and are not alone.
I know you're beautiful.

You have no idea how much I wish you were still here.
Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I think about you and miss you.
You have taken a piece of my heart away with you. Thats ok. Im not angry.
Just look after it for me because one day when I see you again you can mend my broken heart.

While you may be gone, I will always carry you with me.
I carry you in the silver locket that hangs around my neck.
I carry you in the tattoo on my skin.
Most importantly I carry you in my heart.

Goodnight my sleeping baby, sweet dreams.
Your Mummy loves you.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Crash and Burn

I found out today that part of my new found strength has been to do with being able tot TTC again.
Which makes me feel horribly guilty. Should I be 'moving on' this soon? Is TTC actually going to help if Im only feeling better because of the hope for a baby?

The reason I found out I was not doing so well? I thought I had just Od and we had timed TTC perfectly, so we at least had a chance this month, I had hope. I almost began to feel excited. Then I take my temperature this morning when I wake up and my new hopes and dreams are dashed just like my hopes and dreams for Lumpy. Obviously Im not saying that the disappointment at not having Od can be in any way compared to losing our baby. There is disappointment then there is gut wrenching pain and heart break.

It just made getting pregnant again seem so far away and unobtainable. Something that I am not allowed to think about yet, let alone get anywhere close to. I felt like the fact that I had dared to hope again was the reason I hadnt Od. I was being punished for looking to the future when I should know better. I should know that plans cannot be made without them being ruined. Hopes cannot be raised without them being shattered.

I dont know where to go from here. Would it be better if I ignored all the signs and stopped taking my temperature. Relied on pure luck, becasue that is all we would have. I dont have a regular cycle so we cant just count the days of my cycle and know Im Oing. Anyhow the insight charting gives is something I am not willing to just let go off. My chart from when I got pregnant with Lumpy stopped us being completely in the dark during those 9 days of limbo while we waited for our second scan, Knowing when youve Od is useful and needed for someone with irregular cycles.

So I will continue on this path of TTC. Although it is painful and hard, it is worth it. If I get to hold my baby in my arms it will be worth it. I wasnt prepared for the ups and downs of my emotions. I suppose I shouldve been. I should have expected that every tiny set back would feel like a punch in the stomach and a knife through my heart. If this is how Im feeling when I havent yet had the chance to get pregnant again I can only imagine how confused and scared I am going to feel while waiting for the chance to take that first pregnancy test. But I welcome those feelings. I will only feel that way when I may be pregnant, when I have a chance. So I am willing to do that to myself. For a baby. I will do anything.

P was saying to me yesterday that he doesnt know how he will get through those first 12 weeks waiting for a scan. When last time I had no sign anything was wrong until we went to the scan and our lifes were changed forever. So I said to him that we will get through that time because aswell as being terrifying it will be a happy time because to be facing those fears I will have to be pregnant again. And that can only be a good thing!

After my terrible start to my day I did once again manage to pick myself. That in itself is again a sign that I am making progree. I am strong. I just need to remember that. I took Maisie on a run again. In the rain. She was not pleased. Running is an issue with me in that I start off resenting the fact that Im able to run (the whole not being Pregnant thing) but soon I start to get into it and find it is helping.

I listen to my ipod as I run, I find it helps to stop me thinking too much, silence is not good for me these days. Now I have some old songs on my ipod, ones that take me back to when I was a teenager and it was one of these that came on at the beginning of my run which nearly reduced me to tears. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. It seems my ipod knows exactly what mood Im in and manages to pick songs that reflect my frame of mind. So the lyrics that really got me were
'When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face the day, If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash just crash and burn your not alone'
What could have sumed up how I was feeling at that particualr point in time better than that. I felt like my hopes and dreams were gone, not only because Lumpy is gone forever, but because I hadnt Od and the chance to get pregnant again was also gone. I did however manage to keep going, to be honest I didnt have a great deal of choice in the matter. It was pouring with rain, freezing cold and I was in the country park. I didnt fancy collapsing on the ground right where I was. So I made myself carry on and by the time I got home was feeling alot better.

At this rate I am going to be the healthiest person in the world, if everytime I feel Im about to break down and lose it I go running! Its not even that I wake up feeling like I want to cry. I feel that horrible numb, apathy. That scares me more than feeling like I want to cry. With crying I can let the pain out. How do you let out numbness? Maybe you cant.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Caught off guard

For the last few days P and I have been somewhat distracted with a close family member going through a really tough time. Its been strange to see someone more upset than me, not that its a competition, but to see how far Ive come in a month. I think maybe until you sit back and look at things you dont notice just much progress youve made.

I was talking to P about how glad I am to be able to notice how depressed I was a few weeks ago and to know that I am doing better. I was even able to give advice to our family member as to what helped me through my hardest times and I felt like maybe Id have no more really down days.

Then the following day I was completely floored with the pain and hurt of not being pregnant. I popped into work and at first it was really lovely to see the familiar faces, my crew mate was there and I started to think to myself, 'yeah I can do this, work will be ok'. I saw one of my work mates who I assumed was crewed up with my crew mate for the day as Im still off sick and asked her if she was having to put up with him all day. She just said 'no' and looked really akward and looked away. If she wasnt working with my crew mate there was no one else for her to be working with which meant only one thing, she is no longer working on the road, she is on light duties like I was when I was pregnant. Straight away I felt that now familiar stabbing through my heart, the pain that takes my breath away and sends me straight back to the day we lost lumpy. I was pregnant before her but now she willl get to hold her baby before me.

Now all these thoughts are rushing through my head and I dont even know for sure that she is pregnant, but at the same time I know. I just know. I can tell by the look that was on her face when I asked if she was working with my crew mate. The look of guilt, pity and akwardness. I know because in our job when women are on light duties they are doing them for one reaosn and one reaon only. The same reason I was doing them. It hurts and I thought it wouldnt still hurt this much.

I guess it serves me right. There I was talking to P about how I wasnt going back to those days of depression and disinterest and I get knocked completely sideways. The world was just starting to look full of hope and colour again and one moment turned it grey and lifeless again. I think the worst part was that I thought I was doing so well.

I suppose in one way I am. The feelings of hurt and pain lasted for most of the day after I went into work. Then I remembered what P had said to me almost 2 weeks ago. That I have to have hope and I have to try, for the sake of our future babies. So I picked myself up and made myself do some exercise. It helped and I managed to finish the day in a much better mood than I wouldve done.

Everytime I think about Lumpy and where I would be now (15 weeks 2 days) not that Im counting! I feel a sense of longing and it does hurt. Of course I think about Lumpy all the time. I dont think there is a second that goes by when Im awake when I am not thinking about Lumpy. The pain associated with those thoughts is no longer a fresh raw pain that I feel I cant cope with and need to run from. Its like a numb kind of pain. Its a pain that will always be with me, for the rest of my life. Like a bruise. You know its there but unless you poke it or knock it its ok, its bearable. I guess the other day I knocked it accidentally and the power of the pain it caused surprised me. I need to be more careful in future. At least by being prepared I can cushion the blow slightly.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

A star for each member of our family......

Stars I had done when me and DH got married, where we wish Lumpys star couldve gone come September

Lumpys Tattoo. I felt because we never got to meet him that he deserved a special tattoo just for him.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Skin Deep

So P and I got a tattoo for lumpy the other day, I cant remember if I mentioned it or not.

I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.

In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.

Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on  how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.

I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Fear of the Future

It was probably a bad idea but I started watching 'One Born Every Minute' again.

While we were TTC and while I was happily pregnant me and P watched it together and both loved it. P was so excited that it would be our turn in September to be the Mummy and Daddy.
He still cant face watching it but while he was at work today I decided to watcha few we had on sky plus.

I was fine watching it at first. Well I say fine, I wasnt crying my eyes out so that at the moment means fine! Then an episode focused on women whod either lost a previous baby or had a baby they knew was going straight to the SCBU once it was born and all the hurt and pain came rushing back.

I know I never got close to labour to lose a full term or new born baby like the women on the programme did but seeing all her fears aired on TV, they are exactly the fears I have. When I get pregnant again will I have a misscarriage again? will I even know Ive had a miscarriage like this time? if I make it to full term willl my baby be alive when I give birth? This last fear is particularly unfounded, why am I scared of losing a full term baby when I never made it out of my first trimester? I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that I have a fear that is bigger than all of these fears, thats causes all these fears to exist. It is the fear that I will never be a mummy.

Now Lumpy is my baby and I will always be their mummy but to everyone else I am not a mummy. And I am terrified that I never will be. It haunts me all day and all night long and I dont know why. There is no logical reason for it but yet it is there, sometimes I manage to hide it away and pretend its gone but its never really gone. Why am I scared I will never be a mummy. Maybe its normal to feel like this after a miscarriage and if that was the case Id understand. But I had this terrible fear before I even got pregnant for the first time. Then the fear of never being a a mummy caused me to fear Id never get pregnant. Well I managed that and so I thought my fear might lessen but with losing our Lumpy it has grown so big I dont know how to hide from it anymore.

Maybe I have this fear because until you are blessed with being a mummy you cant possibily imagine the joy it brings, or maybe because it seems too much to hope for. I really dont know.
All I know is this fear will be with me forever, until I am holding my very own living breathing baby in my arms I will carry the fear with me, I only hope it doesnt consume me before then.