Monday, 4 April 2011

Forever Young

So as I knew it would the confirmation that all these Pregnancy symptoms were for nothing has thrown me back into a grey world where everything is hopeless and the littlest things bring me to tears.

I hadnt had days where I would just feel like crying for a couple of weeks until I got my period and knew for sure I wasnt pregnant. Now it seems Im back to that fragile state where I have to be careful all the time just incase something reminds me of Lumpy and I cant hold back the tears.

It started in the car listening to a song. Just one of Ps songs he likes to listen to on the way to his kick boxing, nothing particulary emotional. Except its a song whose lyrics I first noticed when we were on the way to our second and final scan for Lumpy.

'Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst'

Quite optimistic lyrics and I remember at the time they brought me to tears. It was exactly what we were doing. Hoping against hope that our little baby would be a miracle and would have grown against all the odds. Preparing for the news that would change our lives forever. The news that our baby hadnt grown and did not have a heartbeart.

This time that I heard the song we were on our way to my Mums for Mothers day. Id already woken up in a particularly bad mood as I was tired, having just finished nights. Hearing those words was enough to send me straight back to that day. The fear in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, my baby has to be fine, because I wont be able to cope if He isnt.
Hearing it again also made me realise I havent really moved on from those feelings. Every month now I will be hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Hoping to be Pregnant but preparing not to be. Hoping to see 2 pink lines but preparing to get my period.

Ever since Lumpy has been gone Ive had wierd dreams that at first didnt make any sense to me. I keep dreaming about being back at either school, colleage or Uni. Not much happens in these dreams but I always have the same overwhelming feeling of dread and despair in my dreams. I do not want to be sitting in those classes, doing something I dont want to be doing. I have a strong sense that I shouldnt even be there, in that classroom. Like I should have left already and should be doing something else more interesting with my life. So in my dream I say to myelf 'Just a couple more years and you will be free. Free of this feeling of apathy and despair.'

It was only this morning when I was telling P about my dreams that I realised why Im having them over and over again. I was telling him and how I couldnt understand why I keep dreaming about a stage of my life that is over, and why in my dreams it seems so terrible when at the time it was actually pretty fun and easy.

It is because I feel like I have gone backwards in my life back to a stage I thought I had left behind. In other words I am not pregnant. I have gone back to a stage in my life that the first time around was brilliant. Me and P were a young married couple, in love and able to do anything we wanted.
Then we decided we wanted a baby so I changed a few things in my life, things I was happy to change.
I got Pregnant and a few more things changed in my life. I changed my role at work to protect my baby. I stopped playing football to protect my baby.
Now I am now longer pregnant I am able to do my old job, able to play football, able to drink alcohol. But this time around it all seems so terrible. I shouldn't be at this stage anymore. Ive been here before and I moved on, forwards with my life. But somehow it got taken away from me. I dont want to be part of a young married couple anymore. I want to be a young family, with a baby on the way. I dont want to be able to play football or drink alcohol, and I havent done either since we lost Lumpy.

My old life, that when it was the only life I knew, I loved, is now so hard and unbearable I find myself wondering how I was so happy before I got Pregnant.
I find little joy in things I used to love. The only place joy lives for me now is in the dreams of one day becoming a Mummy.

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