Realisation

I went for my d&c today.
I hope I will never again be sitting in that surgical prep room waiting for that operation.
Once was too much, twice was just plain unfair, a third time just doesnt bear thinking about.

I feel different this time, not physically but emotionally.
Last time I felt desperately sad and lost.
This time I thought I was doing ok because I havent been crying all the time.
Its like I dont have the energy to feel anything, like I cant be bothered to feel the pain.

But just now I reaslised I am not doing ok.
I have lost that hope again. I have lost the reason for excitement and happiness.
I have nothing to look forward to.

And its not that I have a rubbish life.
I have two weddings to go to in the next month and a half.
I have plans to go away with P in September.
And thats when it hits me. That is why I have that horrible numbness and lack of feeling.

Because we are not going away in September for fun.
We are going away because neither of us can bear to be at work or even at home on Lumpys EDD.
I should still be pregnant, and not just 9 weeks pregnant, but 28 weeks pregnant.
I should be watching my ever growing bump and feeling Lumpy move.
I should be looking forward to giving birth to my beautiful baby.

But I am not.
I am recovering from another d&c because I lost another baby and I never even got over losing my first.
I am again trying to come to terms with my future without a baby in it.
I was jsut starting to live again after losing Lumpy when I got Pregnant again.
Maybe it was too soon, I dont know, but I needed to be pregnant again.
I needed to know that I would have a baby in my future soon.

I still have that need.
But I also have a fear.
A fear that next time will end just like this time, and the first time.
In tears and disbelieve.

I can no longer see any hope for happiness when I imagine being Pregnant.
All I can see is a positive pregnancy test follwed by a few weeks of worrying.
All I can see is a scan followed by weeks of pain and tears.
All I can see is a d&c followed by days of frustration at my slow recovery.
I feel like I am stuck forever in a cycle of trying to concieve, getting pregnant and having a missed miscarriage and I dont know how to break it.

I cant not try again, because that wont help me have a baby.