Tuesday, 5 April 2011

One step forward....Ten steps backwards

I miss you my little Lumpy.
The strength of how much I miss you  has come out of nowhere and knocked me sideways.
It feels so fresh and new, as if we only found out yesterday.

You should have been in my tummy for 18 weeks today.
I should be starting to feel you move soon.
You should be starting to be visible to the outside world, showing in my tummy.

But instead I am left with an empty feeling inside me and an ache in my heart that wont go away.

I should be looking forward to meeting you in September.
I should be having a scan in 2 weeks time to get to see you again, moving around on a screen, kicking your legs..

But instead I am dreading the thought of September coming and going with no new arrival.

Everything I do reminds me that you are no longer here.
I can go running, I can lift weights, I can play football, I can wear my skinny jeans, I can go on rollercoasters, I can eat pate, I can drink caffine.
I dont have to think of anyone but myself. I can do whatever the hell I want

But I dont want to. I want to be thinking of your little life growing inside of me. I want to be careful for you.
I have never been so happy to have to miss out on things or not do things. I had the most magical and amazing reason to not be doing fun things.
I was pregnant, with you, my baby, my Lumpy.

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