Friday, 11 March 2011

Skin Deep

So P and I got a tattoo for lumpy the other day, I cant remember if I mentioned it or not.

I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.

In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.

Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on  how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.

I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.


  1. I think that is a good way to remember your little Lumpy. I have been trying to figure out some way to do the same for my little one. I wanted to name him but whenever I ask my husband about a name, he kind of avoids it. It's not something I want to choose on my own. We had a nickname for the baby but decided that was the name we wanted for a puppy instead. So I can't name a puppy the same thing as my baby. It just seems wrong. Oh well... It's hard not to think about the weeks and milestones, etc. Yesterday was supposed to be my first prenatal appointment. :( I guess I will just have to wait and hope. TTC now seems so intimidating. I fear that I won't handle it well if I don't get pregnant right away. I know that is not realistic, but my heart knows that I should be pregnant now. Sigh. What did you chose for your tattoos?

  2. Oh right I was meant to post a picture of the tattoo at the end of that blog and I completely forgot! We got angel wings with a star above them. The star is because when me and DH got married I got a pink star for me and a blue star for him tattooed on my foot (I wanted something for DH but didnt want his name) I always said when we had kids I would add either a blue or pink star to my foot. Well as Lumpy was our first child I wanted him to have a star but didnt know what colour it should be so its shaded in grey. And obviously the angels wings are becasue Lumpy grew wings too soon. I was going to just add a star to my foot for Lumpy but felt cos he was special he deserved his own tattoo. (Me and DH always thought Lumpy was a boy and I need to stop using incorrect english and referring to Lumpy as they so I guess he is better, thats what my heart thought anyway!)