So P and I got a tattoo for lumpy the other day, I cant remember if I mentioned it or not.
I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.
In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.
Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.
I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.