Saturday, 23 July 2011

Too soon?

It only seems right that I should mention the physical side of things aswell as the emotional as the two are more connected than I sometimes realise.

I have had my first post d&c period which means technically me and P are ready to TTC again.
I even ovulated that first cycle after the d&c and early for me aswell, which in itself is a minor miracle. I Od on CD 20, a whole 8 days earlier than I ever have since I began charting last October.

So now I am faced with the thought that in a few weeks time I could be waiting to find out if I am pregnant again and I dont know how I feel about that.

I am excited to see that I Od early this past cycle, as I have been worrying that it is my late O that has caused me to lose both Lumpy and Pup.
I am hoping so so much that I O around the same time this cycle but I dont want to get my hopes up too high, then there is only further for them to fall.

At the same time as this hope, I am, for the first time, feeling a sense of dread about possibly being pregnant again.
I dont want to have that constant fear that I might lose my baby.
I dont want to have that constant worry that I might do something that might harm my baby.

This is new to me and it is so confusing.
I want to be pregnant, more than anything in the whole world.
But I want to be happily pregnant, not terrified pregnant.

Last time, after losing Lumpy, all I could think about was getting pregnant again asap.
I desperately wanted, even needed to be pregnant before Lumpys EDD.
Well now I know that doesnt matter.
I got pregnant before Lumpys EDD and then went and lost Pup too.

Now I have no milestones in my head.
Lumpys EDD is just over 6 weeks away.
I will not be pregnant by then.
And although that is not fine with me, it is the way it has to be, so I accept that.

So how do I go about TTC with all these thoughts going round in my head.
The sad fact is that right now I am happier being not pregnant than I would be being pregnant and that makes me sad.
And its not because being pregnant makes me miserable.
It is the complete opposite.
Being pregnant makes me feel more alive than ever. But with that joy and hope comes the possiblity of losing everything all over again.
And I just dont know how many times I can have my heart ripped apart before I actually cant carry on.

Maybe Im just not as strong as I make out.
But I must be strong, because not ttc again will not get me my longed for baby.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Life goes on.....

I should be almost 33 weeks pregnant today. I should be thinking about giving up work and rubbing my belly all the time. I should have had a baby shower and be eagerly awaiting meeeting my precious Lumpy.

Or failing that I should be almost 14 weeks pregnant, having just had my first proper scan and seen my baby Pup moving around for the very first time. I should be joyfully showing everyone my u/s photos and feeling so happy because of the baby growing in my tummy.

But no I am neither of those things. I am waiting for my period to come so me and P can begin TTC again. I am feeling empty inside. I am waking up at 0500 every morning to take my temperature.

And it makes me feel very sad. And makes life feel very unfair.
It seems as if the rest of the world is mocking me.
Yesterday alone I was constantly surrounded by pregnant women at work. First of all there was the patient whos grandaughter accompanied us to hospital, heavily pregnant.
Then there was the district nurse who turned up at our patients house, 6 months pregnant and moaning about the heat!
Then there was the sister who we handed our pateint over to at hospital who is 7 months pregnant.
It seems I cant get away from reminders of what Ive lost at the moment.

Even in my dreams I am haunted by images of pregnant people. I dreamt about a girl I work with, who is due 2 weeks after I should have due with Lumpy. She turned up in my dream, looking 7 months pregnant (as she is) and wanting to talk to me. I turned and walked away form her (as I probably would in real life) Ive not seen her since I lost Lumpy and at that time she didnt look pregnant.

But with all of these feelings I am surprising myself at how well I am doing, and how well P is doing.
We are trying to get on with life as best we can. Like the song by Bruce Springsteen goes
'If God gives you nothing but lemons, then you make some lemonade'

We are using the terrible hand we have been dealt to try and move on with our life in a way we wouldnt have been able to if I was still 7 months pregnant. We are going to try and move to a bigger family home.
I am well aware of the danger of moving to a family home with no family to put in it.
That is precisely the reason I refused to move house before we concieved Lumpy. I wanted a family to put in our family house.

But after spending time in the midset of 'Lifes not fair' and 'Why me' we have decided to try and put a positive spin on me not being pregnant.
If I was 7 months pregnant I would be about to give up full time work for a long long time. I had planned to keep my job but when I returned after Lumpy was born I was going to work part time.
That would mean we couldnt afford to get an increase on our mortgage to buy a family home.
So although we didnt really care, we just wanted a baby, we would have been stuck in our 2 bedroom house for a few more years.

Seeing as we cant have the baby we desperately want when we should be having him will we try and buy the family home we will hopefully eventually need. At least that is something we can control.
We have learnt that there is not much in life you can control, so the things that are within our control, we will make them the best they can be and hope that the things we cant control happen for us soon.

Seeing as life goes on, we may as well keep up with it!

Monday, 11 July 2011

What is Normal anyway

Obviously all I seem to be asked at the moment by friends and family is 'Are you OK?'

I am very tempted to answer it truthfully.

'My two Babies are now Angel Babies so actually I am not ok and I never will be, but thanks for asking, how are you?!'

But instead I just shrug and say 'Yeah Im OK'
I cant be bothered. I cant be bothered to take the time to explain that I will never be 'normal' again.

After Lumpy I found a new normal that was not really the old me, but would have to do.
Now after Pup I have found another new normal. The funny thing is that I think I am probably closer to my old self than after Lumpy.

And its not because I care less that Pup is gone. Its because sadly I have been here before. I know that I wont get back to 'normal' and instead of endlessly searching for it, Im sticking right where I am, and finding things to do that make me happy and make me smile. And that is how Ive found a little bit of my old normal. Not a lot of it but abit.

I played football yesterday and had a really good day with my team. I laughed and messed around. I felt that great feeling when you are playing well and you score and everything is great.
And thats when the old normal ended and the new normal began. Because then I had to think about whether I would sign up for the season coming up. So immeadiately I started thinking about how much of the season I would be able to play if I got pregnant in the next few months.

So although I may be finding some of my old normal I am still living with a new normal. But thats ok.
Who wants to be normal anyway! Normal is uninteresting isnt it.

Actually me, Id like to be normal. Just for a bit.
Id like to be like a normal person who gets pregnant and then 9 months later gives birth to a beautiful healthy baby.
Id like to be a normal person who hasnt lost 2 pieces of their heart to their angels.
Id like to be an normal person who doesnt know how fragile life is.
Id like to be a normal person who gets called Mummy.

It seems like maybe part of my life is getting back to what I call normal though.
Since my d&c I have been charting, because I need to feel like I am doing something.
My temperatures have been abit more crazy than they were after the first d&c but still they came down.
Then 5 days ago it seems I ovulated, on CD 20. Which is pretty much unheard of for me. CD 28 is normal for me and it has been as late as CD 34. So what is my body up to?
The most logical explanation is that actually I havent ovulated at all and my temperatures are still all over the place from the d&c.
But maybe, just maybe the changes that can happen to your cycle from being pregnant have for once worked in my favour and made me, dare I say it, almost normal?

Its highly unlikely, but Ill take even a fraction of hope right now!

Friday, 1 July 2011

For my Angels

How Many Pieces

How many loving pieces,
Can one heart give away?

Until it’s too small and broken,
To beat day after day.

You see I have two Angels,
Each hold a piece of my heart,
I gave it to them willingly,
Right from the very start.

When my first Angel took a piece,
I gave it with no fear,
Certain I would get it back,
With his birth later that same year.

But my precious little angel,
Silently slipped away,
So I pledged he could hold my heart,
Forever and a day.

With my second little angel,
I knew the danger of raw pain,
That if I gave a piece away,
I may never see it again.

That didn’t stop me giving,
And giving with such love,
But now my angel hugs my heart,
As she looks down from above.

So as I sit here crying,
With an empty womb and empty arms,
And a heart too bruised and shattered,
To protect me from more harm.

I don’t regret the love I gave,
Or that my angels have my heart,
They earned it as they grew in my,
And they really left their mark.

The question that I ask myself,
And will ask it everyday,
Is do I have enough heart left
For when more angels come to stay?

Written for Lumpy and Pup
Mummy loves you and misses you all the time.
Night night and sweet dreams.