So 2 days ago me and P braved the gut wrenching nerves and went for the early ultrasound.
The one that would tell us if I had suffered the same cruel missed miscarriage as last time, or if in fact I was actually still pregnant and Pup had a heartbeat.
I wish I could say it was different this time.
I wish I could be putting Pups heart rate down on this page and saying how she moved around and looked alive.
But I cant.
Because I cant change what has happened.
Pup died around 3 weeks ago.
In fact Pup may have never grown at all, we dont really know.
The radiographer told me I had a 8 week gestational sac and a yolk sac but nothing more. I was 8 weeks pregnant so we should have seen more.
It appears Pup is what the medical profession call a Blighted Ovum meaning we didnt even get to see a fetal pole this time.
Initally I thought this meant there had never been a baby at all, but after finding a very helpful book on recurrent miscarriages it appears the now accepted belief is that when no fetal pole is seen it is not because it didnt develop but because it has been reabsorbed by the body before it had a chance to be seen.
Whatever the medical reasoning behind it we have lost Pup just like we lost Lumpy and it hurts.
It hurts more than I thought it could after losing Lumpy, and in a strange way it feels different.
Not becaue I dont care. But because we have been here before and we know what will be happening.
We will go back to the hospital next Wednesday and have a rescan.
And they will tell us there is no change and that there is still no fetal pole.
Then I will have the d&c.
Then I will go home and try to feel better.
Then I will go back to work and feel depressed and hopeless and uninterested all over again.
Then we will start TTC again.
Looking at this all written down it sounds cruel and heartless as if Pup didnt matter to me.
That fact couldnt be further from the truth.
I have cried more tears in the last two days than I did in the first week of losing Lumpy.
Because last time I was numb, this time I am not.
There was no shock at the news, I was expecting it, because it had happened before.
There was no refusing to accept it.
There was just pain and grief and anger at the unfairness of it all.
Above all there is fear that this may happen again and Im not sure I could cope with that.
So instead of sinking into despair at the thought of it happening I have come up with all sorts of ideas of what me and P can do to try and save our as yet unconcieved baby.
We will visit my Gp and demand to be referred to a specialist.
If they wont agree to that we will ask them to do blood tests.
I will get the direct phone number of the hospital so I can arrange an early scan as soon as I know Im pregnant next time.
Because after our track record I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, and probably quickly.
We have a 50% success rate- 2 pregnancies in 4 months of trying. It almost makes me feel like I deserved to lose my babies because I concieved them so easily. Which I know makes no sense but it doesnt stop me thinking it.
This is what has helped me to find a focus out of the fog of sadness and despair.
Its still there but I am not letting it consume me this time.