Thursday, 28 April 2011

Welcome to the real world

I started writing this post over a week ago. On the day Lumpy shouldve been inside me for 20 weeks.
The day I shouldve been celebrating being halfway through my pregnancy.

Instead I was at work dreaming about what shouldve been.
Then to make matters worse when I got home I had a letter through my door telling my I was having my 20 week scan this week.
I wanted to scream. I am not having my 20 week scan because my baby didnt live long enough.
I dont need these constant reminders of what my life should be like right now. Its hard enough every Tuesday counting the weeks I should be, the milestones I should be experiencing, without reminders of what Ive lost coming through my door all the time.

Compounding my sense of loss and sadness is the fact that I am now on CD 29 of my second cycle after losing Lumpy and I still havent Ovulated.
Not even ovulating and therefor not even having a chance at getting pregnant again is hurting me alot.

Losing Lumpy was the single hardest thing that Ive ever experienced in my life and I thought I was learning to live as the new me. The me whose lost their reason for happiness. The me whose lost their reason to smile.
But this limbo Ive been thrown back into, of desperately wanting to TTC but my body not cooperating, is breaking me apart all over again.

Getting pregnant again and the lengths I have to go to to get there is taking over my life. I cannot think about anything else, except how much it hurts to not be pregnant with Lumpy anymore.
I know this is no way to live but I cannot turn off how I feel.

I wake up at 0500 every morning because my alarm goes off so I can take my temperature to see if Ive ovulated.
I POAS every morning to see if I get a positive OPK.
I check my fertile signs to see if I might be about to ovulate.
I spend all day analysing how Im feeling and if I have any sign that I may have ovulated or not.
Then it starts all over again the next day.

I know I dont have to go through as much as some women, such as taking clomid or doing IVF but at the moment I feel like clomid may be not too far down the line for me.
And that scares me. Not because I wont do it because I will. I will do anything to have a healthy baby. But it scares me that I may be TTC in vain at the moment. My cycles are so messed up I cant see anyway I can possibly even get pregnant let alone have a healthy baby. But I cant just sit around and watch my body ovulate without TTC. If there is any chance I can get pregnant I will try but I just dont know if Im setting myself up for another miscarriage.

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