Friday, 18 March 2011

Crash and Burn

I found out today that part of my new found strength has been to do with being able tot TTC again.
Which makes me feel horribly guilty. Should I be 'moving on' this soon? Is TTC actually going to help if Im only feeling better because of the hope for a baby?

The reason I found out I was not doing so well? I thought I had just Od and we had timed TTC perfectly, so we at least had a chance this month, I had hope. I almost began to feel excited. Then I take my temperature this morning when I wake up and my new hopes and dreams are dashed just like my hopes and dreams for Lumpy. Obviously Im not saying that the disappointment at not having Od can be in any way compared to losing our baby. There is disappointment then there is gut wrenching pain and heart break.

It just made getting pregnant again seem so far away and unobtainable. Something that I am not allowed to think about yet, let alone get anywhere close to. I felt like the fact that I had dared to hope again was the reason I hadnt Od. I was being punished for looking to the future when I should know better. I should know that plans cannot be made without them being ruined. Hopes cannot be raised without them being shattered.

I dont know where to go from here. Would it be better if I ignored all the signs and stopped taking my temperature. Relied on pure luck, becasue that is all we would have. I dont have a regular cycle so we cant just count the days of my cycle and know Im Oing. Anyhow the insight charting gives is something I am not willing to just let go off. My chart from when I got pregnant with Lumpy stopped us being completely in the dark during those 9 days of limbo while we waited for our second scan, Knowing when youve Od is useful and needed for someone with irregular cycles.

So I will continue on this path of TTC. Although it is painful and hard, it is worth it. If I get to hold my baby in my arms it will be worth it. I wasnt prepared for the ups and downs of my emotions. I suppose I shouldve been. I should have expected that every tiny set back would feel like a punch in the stomach and a knife through my heart. If this is how Im feeling when I havent yet had the chance to get pregnant again I can only imagine how confused and scared I am going to feel while waiting for the chance to take that first pregnancy test. But I welcome those feelings. I will only feel that way when I may be pregnant, when I have a chance. So I am willing to do that to myself. For a baby. I will do anything.

P was saying to me yesterday that he doesnt know how he will get through those first 12 weeks waiting for a scan. When last time I had no sign anything was wrong until we went to the scan and our lifes were changed forever. So I said to him that we will get through that time because aswell as being terrifying it will be a happy time because to be facing those fears I will have to be pregnant again. And that can only be a good thing!

After my terrible start to my day I did once again manage to pick myself. That in itself is again a sign that I am making progree. I am strong. I just need to remember that. I took Maisie on a run again. In the rain. She was not pleased. Running is an issue with me in that I start off resenting the fact that Im able to run (the whole not being Pregnant thing) but soon I start to get into it and find it is helping.

I listen to my ipod as I run, I find it helps to stop me thinking too much, silence is not good for me these days. Now I have some old songs on my ipod, ones that take me back to when I was a teenager and it was one of these that came on at the beginning of my run which nearly reduced me to tears. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. It seems my ipod knows exactly what mood Im in and manages to pick songs that reflect my frame of mind. So the lyrics that really got me were
'When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face the day, If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash just crash and burn your not alone'
What could have sumed up how I was feeling at that particualr point in time better than that. I felt like my hopes and dreams were gone, not only because Lumpy is gone forever, but because I hadnt Od and the chance to get pregnant again was also gone. I did however manage to keep going, to be honest I didnt have a great deal of choice in the matter. It was pouring with rain, freezing cold and I was in the country park. I didnt fancy collapsing on the ground right where I was. So I made myself carry on and by the time I got home was feeling alot better.

At this rate I am going to be the healthiest person in the world, if everytime I feel Im about to break down and lose it I go running! Its not even that I wake up feeling like I want to cry. I feel that horrible numb, apathy. That scares me more than feeling like I want to cry. With crying I can let the pain out. How do you let out numbness? Maybe you cant.

No comments:

Post a Comment