Friday, 15 April 2011

A Beautiful Memory

Today marks Two months and One week from that day.
The most terrible day of mine and Ps life. The day we were told our baby was not measuring the right size and was too tiny for them to be able to tell if He had a heartbeat.

I feel terrible that I didnt even notice the date last week.
It was my first proper shift back at work and I suppose I was busy. But I write the date down on every patient record sheet we use, so how did I not notice.
It makes me feel like I no longer care or that Ive forgotten, which of course is rubbish.
But I cant escape from the fact that I just didnt realise and I hate that.

Lumpy is always on my mind. Even if I am not actively thinking of how much I miss Him there is always a part of me that is with Him.
And almost everything I do or see makes me think of Lumpy.

 I played football two days ago, I hadnt done that since before I was Pregnant with Lumpy.
At football a teamate was there who I had not seen for ages. She wasnt playing so I asked her why. She told me she was Pregnant. I felt sick. I smiled at her and said congratulations. Then I walked off and sat in the toilet on my own. I didnt cry, I couldnt cry. I was about to go and play football. All at once my good mood at being back with my team mates in a familiar role was shattered. I wasnt Pregnant. I wasnt about to become a Mummy. But I should be. I hate how life is so unfair. I hate how I can feel so awful at someone elses amazing and beautiful news.

Playing football, once I got into it was good. I loved it again. I thought I would spend every second on the pitch wishing I wasnt there and I wasnt able to play because I was Pregnant but actually I didnt. It was great to be back. I rememebered why I loved it before and I feel glad to see small parts of my old self creeping back.
Dont get me wrong. If I had a choice I would choose being Pregnant in a heartbeat. If I could never play football again, because of our child, once they were born I wouldnt care. But right now I dont have that choice. Right now all I have are things that drag me back to who I used to be. Things that help me to appreciate that while I may hate my life without Lumpy I can still find happiness in some small places.

The thoughts about wishing I couldnt do something because I wish I was still Pregnant are still there. But while Im playing football they are banished. While I was on the pitch I was concentrating on the match and that was good for me I think. Its one of the only things Ive done recently that hasnt left any space in my head for thinking. Even going running doesnt stop me thinking completely, it just helps my thoughts to be more positive.

Another thing that has been helping me over the past week has been focusing my energy on our garden.
I came home from work the other day to find P had made a start on the garden and I immeadiately thought of Lumpy.
There is a reason for that. P had said to me when I was Pregnant that he wanted to redo the garden before Lumpy was born. This was because we had a bark path and Maisie was allowed out in the garden through her catflap whenever she faniced. This combination meant cleaning up after her was a game of hide and seek amongst the bark and so was not the most hygienic place to let a small baby spend time in.
After we lost Lumpy P had not mentioned the garden at all and I was happy to just leave it, it was fine for just the two of us.
So when I came home to find he had thrown all the bark out and had big plans for the new garden I initailly felt sad.
We were meant to be doing all this so we could spend time in the garden with Lumpy next summer. He is not here anymore so we dont need to waste our time on it. We will never get to enjoy spending time playing with Lumpy in the garden, we will never get to do anything with Lumpy and that hurts.
But then I realised that this way I could help P. Sadly I am no longer Pregnant and unable to lift. Redoing the garden before I get Pregnant again means we can enjoy it together just the two of us this summer. (I hate saying 'just the two of us' but thats all there is for now).
So since I managed to look at what we can do with me not being Pregnant it has been easier to get things done. And I have to say I have enjoyed it. I have enjoyed being out in our garden, making plans for it and imaginig it all finished and us enjoying relaxing in it. Ive even started getting excited about how it will look when its finished. I must confess part of the happy daydreaming about our new garden does involve a big soft rug on our new decking with a smiling baby lying on it with me and P. At least for now I am thinking of a baby and smiling, that has to be an improvement.
P has laid a beautiful new path. At the end of the path he kept a area of mortar for Maisies paw print. I also put my hand print and I asked P to write our wedding anniversary date next to it. Partly because obviously its our house and our anniversary, but also because that was Lumpys due date. When P called me back over to see it finished instead of our wedding anniversary he had written 'LUMPY 2011'. It made me smile. That he was thinking of Lumpy the same as me. That I didnt even have to ask but he knew that it would make me happy. So the path is in memory of our Lumpy. Lumpy is the reason that we wanted to redo the garden so its only fitting that His name stays in our garden forever.

Our precious first child. Loved forever, remembered always.

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