Tuesday, 29 March 2011


So for the past few days I havent really had anything to say, nothing new to do with how Im feeling about losing Lumpy anyway. So Ive not written anything.

The problem is not that Im not thinking about Lumpy or that Ive stopped being sad, because I havent. The problem is I still feel the ache of Lumpys loss just as strongly as I did but something else is occupying my thoughts almost as much as Lumpy is.

Me and P are TTC again and Im waiting to test. Two weeks. Its doesnt sound very long does it. Not when Pregnancy lasts for Forty weeks. Two weeks is nothing. At the same time it is an eternity.
My head is filled with crazy irrational thoughts that I cant ignore. What if I get a BFP, how will I know its a new Pregnancy? How will I ever feel happy about being pregnant again? What does this symptoms mean? It must mean Im Pregnant, or does it?!

All the time these thoughts are in my head they bring out an emotion I dont really like. Guilt.
I feel guilty for obsessing over whether I am Pregnant or not. Shouldnt I still be focused on Lumpy? Should I be this excited about the possiblity of being Pregnant again?
And I also worry. I worry that I shouldnt even be thinking about whether Im Pregnant or not because letting myself get caried away with thinking about maybe being Pregnant is only setting myself up for a fall. A fall I may struggle to get back up from.

So what do I do? I cannot stop myself from thinking about how I feel and the 'symptoms' I have, and there are alot of them! And I cant stop TTC. Me and P want a baby. So to have a baby we must TTC.
So I am stuck. In a place I dont like very much, unable to turn my brain off, unable to live like a normal person.

And what about Lumpy? How do I fit missing my baby in with wanting a baby.
I suppose its the same thing. We wanted Lumpy so so much that its only natural to still want a baby.
But I just feel so torn. I want Lumpy to be the name we are using for my belly, because I still want to be Pregnant. But Im not and there is nothing I can do about that.

I would be 17 weeks today. Maybe showing and getting closer to feeling Lumpy move.
I miss my little Lumpy.

Monday, 21 March 2011

I Hope You Can Hear Me

My precious longed for baby.

It has been exactly a month since I let you go.
One month. Twenty eight days.Six hundred and seventy two hours. A lifetime. An eternity.
Yet the blink of an eye.

I say let you go because you were already gone.
It is now thirty two days since we were told you were gone but even more than that since you left.

Why did you go? Why couldnt you stay?
I know you would have stayed if you could have, I bet you fought so hard. But you were too tiny to win.
Whatever it was that took you away was too strong for you, my little Lumpy.

I hope you're now somewhere safe where nothing can ever hurt you.
I hope you're happy and are not alone.
I know you're beautiful.

You have no idea how much I wish you were still here.
Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I think about you and miss you.
You have taken a piece of my heart away with you. Thats ok. Im not angry.
Just look after it for me because one day when I see you again you can mend my broken heart.

While you may be gone, I will always carry you with me.
I carry you in the silver locket that hangs around my neck.
I carry you in the tattoo on my skin.
Most importantly I carry you in my heart.

Goodnight my sleeping baby, sweet dreams.
Your Mummy loves you.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Crash and Burn

I found out today that part of my new found strength has been to do with being able tot TTC again.
Which makes me feel horribly guilty. Should I be 'moving on' this soon? Is TTC actually going to help if Im only feeling better because of the hope for a baby?

The reason I found out I was not doing so well? I thought I had just Od and we had timed TTC perfectly, so we at least had a chance this month, I had hope. I almost began to feel excited. Then I take my temperature this morning when I wake up and my new hopes and dreams are dashed just like my hopes and dreams for Lumpy. Obviously Im not saying that the disappointment at not having Od can be in any way compared to losing our baby. There is disappointment then there is gut wrenching pain and heart break.

It just made getting pregnant again seem so far away and unobtainable. Something that I am not allowed to think about yet, let alone get anywhere close to. I felt like the fact that I had dared to hope again was the reason I hadnt Od. I was being punished for looking to the future when I should know better. I should know that plans cannot be made without them being ruined. Hopes cannot be raised without them being shattered.

I dont know where to go from here. Would it be better if I ignored all the signs and stopped taking my temperature. Relied on pure luck, becasue that is all we would have. I dont have a regular cycle so we cant just count the days of my cycle and know Im Oing. Anyhow the insight charting gives is something I am not willing to just let go off. My chart from when I got pregnant with Lumpy stopped us being completely in the dark during those 9 days of limbo while we waited for our second scan, Knowing when youve Od is useful and needed for someone with irregular cycles.

So I will continue on this path of TTC. Although it is painful and hard, it is worth it. If I get to hold my baby in my arms it will be worth it. I wasnt prepared for the ups and downs of my emotions. I suppose I shouldve been. I should have expected that every tiny set back would feel like a punch in the stomach and a knife through my heart. If this is how Im feeling when I havent yet had the chance to get pregnant again I can only imagine how confused and scared I am going to feel while waiting for the chance to take that first pregnancy test. But I welcome those feelings. I will only feel that way when I may be pregnant, when I have a chance. So I am willing to do that to myself. For a baby. I will do anything.

P was saying to me yesterday that he doesnt know how he will get through those first 12 weeks waiting for a scan. When last time I had no sign anything was wrong until we went to the scan and our lifes were changed forever. So I said to him that we will get through that time because aswell as being terrifying it will be a happy time because to be facing those fears I will have to be pregnant again. And that can only be a good thing!

After my terrible start to my day I did once again manage to pick myself. That in itself is again a sign that I am making progree. I am strong. I just need to remember that. I took Maisie on a run again. In the rain. She was not pleased. Running is an issue with me in that I start off resenting the fact that Im able to run (the whole not being Pregnant thing) but soon I start to get into it and find it is helping.

I listen to my ipod as I run, I find it helps to stop me thinking too much, silence is not good for me these days. Now I have some old songs on my ipod, ones that take me back to when I was a teenager and it was one of these that came on at the beginning of my run which nearly reduced me to tears. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. It seems my ipod knows exactly what mood Im in and manages to pick songs that reflect my frame of mind. So the lyrics that really got me were
'When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face the day, If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash just crash and burn your not alone'
What could have sumed up how I was feeling at that particualr point in time better than that. I felt like my hopes and dreams were gone, not only because Lumpy is gone forever, but because I hadnt Od and the chance to get pregnant again was also gone. I did however manage to keep going, to be honest I didnt have a great deal of choice in the matter. It was pouring with rain, freezing cold and I was in the country park. I didnt fancy collapsing on the ground right where I was. So I made myself carry on and by the time I got home was feeling alot better.

At this rate I am going to be the healthiest person in the world, if everytime I feel Im about to break down and lose it I go running! Its not even that I wake up feeling like I want to cry. I feel that horrible numb, apathy. That scares me more than feeling like I want to cry. With crying I can let the pain out. How do you let out numbness? Maybe you cant.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Caught off guard

For the last few days P and I have been somewhat distracted with a close family member going through a really tough time. Its been strange to see someone more upset than me, not that its a competition, but to see how far Ive come in a month. I think maybe until you sit back and look at things you dont notice just much progress youve made.

I was talking to P about how glad I am to be able to notice how depressed I was a few weeks ago and to know that I am doing better. I was even able to give advice to our family member as to what helped me through my hardest times and I felt like maybe Id have no more really down days.

Then the following day I was completely floored with the pain and hurt of not being pregnant. I popped into work and at first it was really lovely to see the familiar faces, my crew mate was there and I started to think to myself, 'yeah I can do this, work will be ok'. I saw one of my work mates who I assumed was crewed up with my crew mate for the day as Im still off sick and asked her if she was having to put up with him all day. She just said 'no' and looked really akward and looked away. If she wasnt working with my crew mate there was no one else for her to be working with which meant only one thing, she is no longer working on the road, she is on light duties like I was when I was pregnant. Straight away I felt that now familiar stabbing through my heart, the pain that takes my breath away and sends me straight back to the day we lost lumpy. I was pregnant before her but now she willl get to hold her baby before me.

Now all these thoughts are rushing through my head and I dont even know for sure that she is pregnant, but at the same time I know. I just know. I can tell by the look that was on her face when I asked if she was working with my crew mate. The look of guilt, pity and akwardness. I know because in our job when women are on light duties they are doing them for one reaosn and one reaon only. The same reason I was doing them. It hurts and I thought it wouldnt still hurt this much.

I guess it serves me right. There I was talking to P about how I wasnt going back to those days of depression and disinterest and I get knocked completely sideways. The world was just starting to look full of hope and colour again and one moment turned it grey and lifeless again. I think the worst part was that I thought I was doing so well.

I suppose in one way I am. The feelings of hurt and pain lasted for most of the day after I went into work. Then I remembered what P had said to me almost 2 weeks ago. That I have to have hope and I have to try, for the sake of our future babies. So I picked myself up and made myself do some exercise. It helped and I managed to finish the day in a much better mood than I wouldve done.

Everytime I think about Lumpy and where I would be now (15 weeks 2 days) not that Im counting! I feel a sense of longing and it does hurt. Of course I think about Lumpy all the time. I dont think there is a second that goes by when Im awake when I am not thinking about Lumpy. The pain associated with those thoughts is no longer a fresh raw pain that I feel I cant cope with and need to run from. Its like a numb kind of pain. Its a pain that will always be with me, for the rest of my life. Like a bruise. You know its there but unless you poke it or knock it its ok, its bearable. I guess the other day I knocked it accidentally and the power of the pain it caused surprised me. I need to be more careful in future. At least by being prepared I can cushion the blow slightly.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

A star for each member of our family......

Stars I had done when me and DH got married, where we wish Lumpys star couldve gone come September

Lumpys Tattoo. I felt because we never got to meet him that he deserved a special tattoo just for him.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Skin Deep

So P and I got a tattoo for lumpy the other day, I cant remember if I mentioned it or not.

I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.

In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.

Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on  how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.

I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Fear of the Future

It was probably a bad idea but I started watching 'One Born Every Minute' again.

While we were TTC and while I was happily pregnant me and P watched it together and both loved it. P was so excited that it would be our turn in September to be the Mummy and Daddy.
He still cant face watching it but while he was at work today I decided to watcha few we had on sky plus.

I was fine watching it at first. Well I say fine, I wasnt crying my eyes out so that at the moment means fine! Then an episode focused on women whod either lost a previous baby or had a baby they knew was going straight to the SCBU once it was born and all the hurt and pain came rushing back.

I know I never got close to labour to lose a full term or new born baby like the women on the programme did but seeing all her fears aired on TV, they are exactly the fears I have. When I get pregnant again will I have a misscarriage again? will I even know Ive had a miscarriage like this time? if I make it to full term willl my baby be alive when I give birth? This last fear is particularly unfounded, why am I scared of losing a full term baby when I never made it out of my first trimester? I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that I have a fear that is bigger than all of these fears, thats causes all these fears to exist. It is the fear that I will never be a mummy.

Now Lumpy is my baby and I will always be their mummy but to everyone else I am not a mummy. And I am terrified that I never will be. It haunts me all day and all night long and I dont know why. There is no logical reason for it but yet it is there, sometimes I manage to hide it away and pretend its gone but its never really gone. Why am I scared I will never be a mummy. Maybe its normal to feel like this after a miscarriage and if that was the case Id understand. But I had this terrible fear before I even got pregnant for the first time. Then the fear of never being a a mummy caused me to fear Id never get pregnant. Well I managed that and so I thought my fear might lessen but with losing our Lumpy it has grown so big I dont know how to hide from it anymore.

Maybe I have this fear because until you are blessed with being a mummy you cant possibily imagine the joy it brings, or maybe because it seems too much to hope for. I really dont know.
All I know is this fear will be with me forever, until I am holding my very own living breathing baby in my arms I will carry the fear with me, I only hope it doesnt consume me before then.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Spring Cleaning

So Ive had an up and down few days, me and P had a fight on Sunday because I was mad at him for being wrapped up in work stuff and seemingly not caring anymore about our miscarriage.
Obviously I was wrong about him not caring, I felt so bad as when I said I felt like he didnt care he started crying and saying Lumpy was his baby too how could he not care. The pain of knowing Id made him cry hurt almost as much as losing our baby. I am a terrible person.

But something good came out of it, we talked about things and he explained how it was he seemed to be ok. He said he will never stop feeling the hurt of Lumpy being gone but that if he doesnt look to the future and the possibility of me being pregnant again he will drive himself into depression. Which I came see is true. I think Id almost done that to myself. I was struggling to do anything with my days, and was just focusing on how unfair it was that Lumpy was taken from us.

So I am really trying to find things to do to keep me and my brain busy. I am still hurting everday that my baby is no longer bringing joy into my life. But I am now trying to let that hurt be there without taking over every aspect of my life. I dont know if this is the right thing to do and Im not exactly a hundred percent successful but I think at least trying has got to be worth it.

I went for a run for the first time this year and it actually felt good. I thought Id be angry because I shouldnt be able to run because I should still be pregnant but in a wierd way I actaully enjoyed it. I took Maisie and it was good to get out, just the 2 of us. I dont think she was as impressed as me with the return of our running though. The minute she saw me in my running clothes she was off out the catflap to hide in the garden in an attempt to avoid the run! I have no idea how she knows Im planning a run and not just a walk, I think she is alot smarter than she looks!

So aswell as my plan to try and look after myself again the house has been getting alot of attention. My resolve to try and function nearly waivered when P went to work on Tuesday but I forced myself to do some cleaning and once I got into it, with my music up really loud I felt so much better. Although these days it seems nearly every song somehow fits into me missing Lumpy, I guess when someone is on your mind all day long it seems everything is about them. The achievement for me was being able to listen to songs that reminded me of being pregnant or of losing Lumpy without breaking down and crying.

Part of me is scared that this new found strength and positivity is going to come crashing down and send me 100 steps backward but I guess unless I try I will never know. P has reassured me about one thing. I said I felt like if I was happy sometimes that it meant I didnt care about Lumpy. Of course he told me that was ridiculous and that he wants me to be happy. I can be happy and still be sad and hurt that Lumpy is gone. I guess its my new happy, my old happy has gone away with Lumpy and I dont think that will be coming back anytime soon.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Thinking of you

Little Lumpy

You were so small when you left, but to me you are the biggest thing in the world.
We never saw your heartbeat, but it beats with every beat of ours.
You never took a breath, but with every breath we breathe you.
We never saw your face, but it is on our minds all day long.
We never got to hold you, but still my arms ache to feel your weight.
I never felt you move, but now I feel your absence constantly.
I never knew my life with you in it, but still I miss you.
To the world I am not yet a Mummy, but you will always be my baby.

Goodnight and Sweet dreams baby. I will miss you and love you forver.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

I needed that......

So today I meet up with a girl I met on my tech course 4 years ago. While we dont actually work together anymore we live failry close to each other and she has become an important friend to me.

Today I realised just how important. We talked about Lumpy, really talked. She didnt get uncomfortable or try to make me feel better, she listened and asked questions. I cant put into words how much that meant to me. She wants children, I think almost as much as me. Her and her fiance are going to ttc as soon as they are married so altho she hasnt experienced a m/c she is one of my only close friends at the same stage in her life as me and I think thats why altho she didnt know how I felt she wanted to talk about how I was feeling.

Aswell as this I spoke to my manager today and have arranged a date to go back to work and get back to my shifts and knowing what is going on I think has helped abit. I still dont want to go back but as far as that goes I have no choice. We have a mortgage to pay so I must work. Maybe my interest will return, im not sure right now.

I dare to think that maybe Im just having a good day and there is no reason for the improvement in how I feel. Then when I realise I havent felt that constant pain much today I feel guilty. Does this mean I no longer care that I had a miscarrige and that our baby died? Logically I know thats not what having good days mean but I dont want to forget one single thing about those 11 weeks I was pregnant.

Im just so bloody confused all the time. Everything confuses me and Im not sure what I should be feeling and when. I seem to question everything which is very tiring. Is this normal? I dont know if anyhting is ever gonna be normal, but is this normal for somone whos had a miscarrige, who knows!

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Where to Begin.....

It is nearly 2 weeks since we found out that our precious longed for baby had died.
We never got to meet Lumpy, we never even saw their heartbeat. Lumpy stayed with me, their Mummy for 11 weeks and 6 days but they only grew for 6 weeks and maybe 3 days.

Does this make it any easier to lose them, I dont think so. But I have never lost my baby before so how do I know. And why do we say lost. I never lost them. I knew where they were the whole time. Safe with me, their Mummy, or so I thought.

Its cruel and painful enough to have a miscarriage but to have no sign of it happening seems to make it 100 times harder. I was so happy for those 11 weeks before I heard those words that trampled over my heart like it didnt matter.

Why did my body fail me twice, its bad enough that it couldnt look after my baby properly but that it couldnt even have a miscarrige properly well thats just rubbing salt into the wounds surely.

But then I have no idea how I wouldve felt to notice bleeding and cramping, would I have had the same awful shock, the same feeling of my whole world being turned upside down? I guess I probably would but at least I couldve had it in private with only P there to see. Not in some ultrasound room with some women who didnt seem to care that shed just ruined all our hopes and dreams.

I have been told that Lumpy wouldnt have survived, thats why they stopped growing. They werent strong enough and its better this way. Its not bette for me. The dreams me and P shared were not of a sick baby but of a smiling, even crying but healthy baby. So to be told its all ok cos they werent strong enough doesnt help one tiny little bit. I have had my perfect beautiful baby that I imagined ever since I saw those 2 pink lines ripped way from me.

To me its harder to grieve with Lumpy never growing into a recognisable baby. I have no image of them to call up to say I miss you to, I have no scan picture to look at and remember them alive. I know this spares me some of the pain that other angel mummys have to go through and Im not wishing myself more pain, I just dont know how to say goodbye to a baby that existed really only in my hopes and dreams. Real though they were those 11 weeks I was pregnant Lumpy didnt grow big enough. I know they were a real baby just so so tiny but I wish I couldve seen what they looked like. There is such a big empty space inside me how can somebody so small make such an impact.

I miss being pregnant so so much, I miss the hope of mine and Ps life being shared with our baby in Sept. I miss looking forward to scan dates and milestones, like when I should feel Lumpy move. I miss the old me.