Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Who Am I?

Its nearly 2 weeks since Pup was taken away from me.
Most of the time I think that I might just be doing ok.
But Im not really. I think Ive told so many people Im ok that Im starting to believe it myself.

I am so far from ok.
I am lost, I am scared, I am alone, I am hurting, I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.
Most of all I am devastated.

I spend alot of time analysing how I am feeling at the moment.
And just today I realised something.
Not only do I desperately miss Lumpy and Pup, and I really really miss them even though I only knew them for a short time. But I also miss the old me.

So much about my life is different to before December, before I was pregnant.
Up until December I went running with Maisie about 4 times a week. I havent been running since April and even then it was only a token effort, not a proper run.
Up until December I couldnt wait to play my next football game and got frustrated if I had to work. Now I dont even know if I want to sign up next season.
Up until December I cycled to work more often than not. I have only cycled to work twice this year.

Those things may not seem very important to some people but to me they are everything.
Exercise was a massive part of my life and has made me who I am.
I will give it up in a heartbeat if I get pregnant again but that is the problem.
I have given it up for 6 months and Im still no closer to being a Mum.

I gave it up to be a Mum.
I was happy to trade running for walking around with a pushchair.
I was happy to trade football for playing with my baby.
I was happy to trade cycling to work for days in at home with my family.

But now I have nothing.
I have stopped doing everything I love because I want to be a Mum but I cant even have that.
So I am left feeling frustrated and lost.

But I am not bitter about having given up so much that is important to me.
I wanted to give it up.
What I am bitter about is having my chance at being a Mum ripped away from me.
I gave up things that might not be best for my baby and what did I get in return? Absolutely nothing.

Aswell as feeling like Ive lost a part of my identity with giving up exercise, what is really hurting me is losing an identity I never really got given.
Just for a few weeks each time, I was going to be a Mummy and P was going to be a Daddy.
But that has been snatched away from us. Nobody sees us as a Mummy or a Daddy.
The most important of identities, the one that I value so highly that I was willing to give up everything else is something I have no control over.
I cant work hard at it like I can with running or football.
Hard work wont make me more likely to be seen as a Mummy.
No matter what I do I cant 'train' at being a Mummy.
The role that lands in so many womens laps with little or no effort still eludes me.
The one thing that I wish I could 'try harder' at is something that is beyond me.

And while I say I miss the old me, I dont really.
I miss the old me in the sense that back then I was happy with what I had.
I miss enjoying going running and I miss that rush of adrenaline when platying football.
But I know that now I wont get those feelings when running or playing football.
I will still feel this emptiness inside me.
Now although I realise how lucky I am to have P and Maisie I want a family.

I can get back into running and go back to playing football with very little effort. I can pretty much pick up where I left off as Im still pretty active.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world I cant do that with.
When I get pregnant again it wont be with Lumpy or Pup, and I cant continue with where I lost either one of them.
I am forced to go back to the beginning.

And I dont know how many times I can cope with that.

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