It was probably a bad idea but I started watching 'One Born Every Minute' again.
While we were TTC and while I was happily pregnant me and P watched it together and both loved it. P was so excited that it would be our turn in September to be the Mummy and Daddy.
He still cant face watching it but while he was at work today I decided to watcha few we had on sky plus.
I was fine watching it at first. Well I say fine, I wasnt crying my eyes out so that at the moment means fine! Then an episode focused on women whod either lost a previous baby or had a baby they knew was going straight to the SCBU once it was born and all the hurt and pain came rushing back.
I know I never got close to labour to lose a full term or new born baby like the women on the programme did but seeing all her fears aired on TV, they are exactly the fears I have. When I get pregnant again will I have a misscarriage again? will I even know Ive had a miscarriage like this time? if I make it to full term willl my baby be alive when I give birth? This last fear is particularly unfounded, why am I scared of losing a full term baby when I never made it out of my first trimester? I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that I have a fear that is bigger than all of these fears, thats causes all these fears to exist. It is the fear that I will never be a mummy.
Now Lumpy is my baby and I will always be their mummy but to everyone else I am not a mummy. And I am terrified that I never will be. It haunts me all day and all night long and I dont know why. There is no logical reason for it but yet it is there, sometimes I manage to hide it away and pretend its gone but its never really gone. Why am I scared I will never be a mummy. Maybe its normal to feel like this after a miscarriage and if that was the case Id understand. But I had this terrible fear before I even got pregnant for the first time. Then the fear of never being a a mummy caused me to fear Id never get pregnant. Well I managed that and so I thought my fear might lessen but with losing our Lumpy it has grown so big I dont know how to hide from it anymore.
Maybe I have this fear because until you are blessed with being a mummy you cant possibily imagine the joy it brings, or maybe because it seems too much to hope for. I really dont know.
All I know is this fear will be with me forever, until I am holding my very own living breathing baby in my arms I will carry the fear with me, I only hope it doesnt consume me before then.