Saturday, 31 December 2011

Mixed Emotions

22 weeks today!

Squirt is moving a lot more and I am loving feeling her!
She is definately a little madam already as the minute anyone other than Paul tries to feel her she immeadiately stops kicking!

My Mum has finally managed to feel a really small kick but nothing like the strength of Squirts normal activities!
And last night we had friends over to see our new house.
For around 2 hours before they arrived Squirt was kicking non stop.
Then when they both tried to feel her she suddenly disappeared.
She did kick one of them but seemed to enjoy teasing the other one.
I have told her she had better be on her best behavious next time we have visitors!

It was so cool to have people touching my belly to feel Squirt.
They asked me if I minded, which I dont at all!
It is what I have dreamed of for so long, to have a baby belly and feel my baby move.
So having that dream become a reality it the most amazing expereince I have ever had!

Squirt is definately doing some serious growing.
I had to take my belly piercing out 2 days ago as it was starting to get sore where it was stretching and was also catching on all my clothes and getting very annoying!
When I took it out I noticed my belly button has got alot shallower, it is almost flat now!
It wasnt exactly deep to begin with but now its hardly in at all!

The scales have upset me this morning.
I gained 3 lbs in one week!
I know it has been Christmas week but even so!
Although aside from my belly getting bigger I cant see where that weight has gone so maybe it all fluid? (thats what Im telling myself anyway!)

Just 2 days ago I had a horrible and sad reminder of the other side of pregnancy.
The only side I knew for most of last year, until Squirt came along.

A girl I work with lost her baby at 20 weeks about 18 months ago.
Well about 6 weeks ago she told me she was pregnant again.
Obviously she was terrified but happy and so I was pleased for her, and hoped so hard that this little one would make it for her.

Well about 3 weeks ago I saw her sitting in her car, in tears after an early scan.
Her baby was about 2 weeks behind where it shouldve been. It all felt too familiar, too heartbreaking.
But her baby had once difference to my two precious angels.
It had a heartbeat.
So she had hope that her dates were just off and everything would be fine with her little one.

Two days ago was her follow up scan, to check baby was growing and was ok.
I went to text her after I knew she wouldve had the scan but I already had a messgae from her.
The minute I read the first line my heart sank and I felt sick.

Not again, its just not fair.
The same thing that happened to me had happened to her.
Her baby hadnt grown, it no longer had a heartbeat.
I felt like bursting into tears.
Partly because I felt so sad for her, but also because it brought back all that pain of losing Lumpy and then Pup.
That desperately lonely 'why me' feeling.
The hating everyone around you who is pregnant.
The worrying you might never be a Mummy.

And then another emotion hit me. Guilt.
I suddenly realised I am now one of those women who I hated when I lost my angels.
I am pregnant and happy.
Although I wouldnt say we are close friends we do talk about her daughter she lost and my two angels, and we had been talking alot about her new pregnancy.
Now I dont know what to say.

Well thats not strictly true.
I know what to say, but will she want to hear it from me?
Will she be able to stand there and look at me and my bump and not want to scratch my eyes out with jealousy and hatred.
Because that is how terrible I felt about others who were pregnant when I no longer was.
It is the hardest thing to see, a bump, a happy pregnant women.
And I am going to have to make her see it everyday she comes to work.

I am sending her a card because that helped me.
And it means she doesnt have to see me straight away.

But when I think about it, In a way I dont think it is me that she will struggle with.
She knows about my angels.
I was due a long way ahead of her.
But another girl we work with found out about being pregnant just after her, and it wasnt planned.
I think she will find that the hardest. Well if she is anything like me she will anyway.

Pregnancies closest to mine hit the hardest.
Ladies who were pregnant before I had been, or had suffered a previous loss didnt give me that same stomach wrenching pain.
I know its irrational but its grief.
Grief by its very nature is irrational and selfish.
It is the only way to survive.

And with all these thoughts I stumbled across the realisation that in under 3 weeks time I shouldve been giving birth to my second angel, Pup.
Somewhere between losing Pup and getting pregnant with Squirt I had stopped counting my non existant weeks of pregnancy.
At first I thought it meant I didnt care.
But then I realised it was enabling me to live again.
I hadnt forgotten Pup, I had just stopped torturing myself once a week.

It still hurts that Im not about to give birth.
But in a different way.
Because now I have Squirt.
I have my precious baby girl growing inside me, and kicking, and rolling.
And although it sounds strange I cant see how it couldve happened any other way now.

Its not that I am glad I lost my angels because I am far from that.
But Being pregnant with Squirt feels so right and makes me so happy that I cant see how I ever would have been pregnant with any other baby.
She is my baby girl, my daughter, my rainbow.
She is my hope after despair.
She is made all the more sweeter by me having two angels before her.
I love her so so much already.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

'I Love You's' not enough....... Im lost for words

I am officially halfway!

But that really is the least exciting news of the week.
We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday.

And I was wrong!
Our precious baby Squirt is a beautiful little GIRL!!!!!

I could not believe it when the ultrasound tech said she was a girl.
I sat up and said, 'Are you sure?'
She showed me the 3 little lines very clearly (Squirt had her legs wide open, the only time in her life me and P will be happy for her to do so!)

I am slowly getitng used to calling Squirt she, it kinda seems to fit now.
I am absolutely thrilled that she is a girl, just as I wouldve been thrilled if she was a boy.
It was just a huge shock!

Now I am more glad than ever that we decided to find out if she was pink or blue.
I dont know if I wouldve felt as able to bond with her as quickly in May if I had spent the next 20 weeks still thinking she was a boy and then got handed a girl!

It was the best surprise and already I feel like I am closer to her and am getting to know her!

And like a proper little madam she decided to scare me and P half to death before she is even born!
The ultrasound tech was able to check everything except one tiny little detail, her heart!
She woud not lie the right way no matter how I laid.

So we were sent away for 20 minutes to go eat something and go for a walk.
When we came back the ultrasound tech had a better view and took a long time looking at Squirts heart.
She then said she just wanted to get someone elses opinion at which point I began to panic uncontrollably.

Something was wrong with my baby girl.
I immeadiately flashed back to the last time I had a second opinion in that ultrasound room.
The day we learned for sure that Lumpy had passed away.

All sorts of terrible things that could be wrong with her heart were racing through my mind at this point and I was terrified at what they were going to say.

After what seemed like the longest time the second lady finished looking at Squirt and they both came back into the room.

Thankfully it turns out all is well.
Squirt is perfect and normal.

Apparently at first when Squirt was lying at the funny angle it was hard to make sure her heart was in the right position in her chest.
Once she moved it all looked normal but it had put a doubt in the first ultrasound techs mind and she wanted to make sure she hadnt missed anything.

I am grateful they were so thorough and made 100% sure my baby girl is fine but it scared the life out of me for that time we were wonderng what was going on.

Squirt spent most of yesterday kicking me, I think she is glad I am finally calling her by the right sex and is letting me know about my mistake!!!

I am so in love with my beautiful baby girl!!!!

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

2 More Sleeps

In 46 hours time I will be going into the ultrasound room to see Squirt!

I am beyond excited.
I feel like a little kid right before Christmas!

In fact I dont care at all about the fact that it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas day.
Mine and Ps Christmas day is in 2 days time!

I am 19+2 today and while I have been sat here at work on the computer Squirt has been kicking away happily to himself.
I love feeling him, it never fails to feel new and magical even though it is far from the frist time Ive felt him.

And as I was typing that he just gave me a little 'Hello Mum' kick!
He kicked me to say good morning once Id got up today aswell.
And again while I was texting P to tell him that Squirt had been good this morning and not made me sick!

While we are on the subject of sickness, its still here!
While I may not have been sick this morning, I was yesterday morning, again before I had a chance to eat anything.
And because me and P had made pancakes the night before with the last of our milk I had to venture to the shops to get some food for my breakfast after I was sick.
That nearly ended in disaster as on the way home from the shops I started to feel really really nauseous and thought I was gonna throw up in the street!
So thats the last time I leave nothing in the house for breakfast, I did not enjoy my early morning adventure!

As well as the sicknesss still loitering around I have noticed heartburn these last few evenings.
Its not unbearable but its not very pleasant either!
I thought I had escaped the whole heartburn thing but clearly Squrt was just lulling me into a false sense of security!

We also have less a week until we move into out new house.
I find it odd to think Squirt will never know The Hatch.
He will never see our first house as a married couple.
The house he was concieved in, and was dreamt about for so long.

But I am also glad.
Because he will grow up with more room, with his own bathroom which is just funny!

Maybe for that reason I should be imagining him as a girl, a personal bathroom is wasted on a boy!

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Another first

Less than a week until Squirts scan now.

I am so looking forward to it and seeing my baby again!

I feel him kicking everyday and so he is obviously getting big and strong but it will be so amazing to see him on the screen, bigger, more grown up than when we last saw him!

I of course still have a few little worries.
Will his heart look ok?
Will his lungs look ok?
Will all his other systems be functioning as they should?

Im sure they will be, but until they are checked I guess we never know for sure.
And lastly the biggest but also the least important question, is he pink or blue.
Because really it doesnt matter.
I feel so strongly that he is a boy but all I really care about is, is everything ok?
Is he normal, is he healthy?

But at the sametime I am so excited to find out.
To know if Im right.
If he really is a little boy or if he is actually a little girl!!

P got to feel one of his kicks on friday (I was 18+4)
Squirt had kicked me fairly hard so I put Ps hand on my belly right where Id felt Squirt and told him to wait.
A few seconds later his face lit up and he was aying 'I felt something then!'
And he was right, Squirt had just kicked his hand and he lokoed so happy!

He then spent the next few minutes talking to Squirt through my belly button, trying to get him to do it again, which he refused to do!