Sunday, 6 May 2012

Within touching distance!

I kind of knew Id be here, still waiting at one day past my due date.
I dont really mind, at least Squirt is happy and content in my belly.

But it makes it very hard to be excited about her arrival, when it could still be as far as 11 days away, or as close as this evening!
Its such an odd feeling, knowing she has to come out sometime soon but having absolutely no idea when it will be!

My gut feeling says between tomorrow (the 7th) and next saturday (the 12th) would be a pretty good bet.
But I dont know if even that is just down to wishful thinking!
I am glad that I do at least have something concrete to count down to, being induced.

But even that is not so much set in stone as set in sand!
The plan would be to induce me at 12 days past my due date, so on the 17th May.
But that  all depends on how busy the hospital is.
Realistically even my induction could get pushed back to 14 days past my due date!

But I dont want to be counting down to an induction!
I want Squirt to come out when she is ready, not when we decide we are ready for her!
I hope its sooner rather than later but even if I have to wait until the day before my induction (whenever that ends up being) I will be happier to go into labour on my own and on her terms!

I have been thinking about what labour will be like alot recently.
I guess thats not really surprising seeing as I am now past my due date and its all very real now!

I had a couple of quite painful braxton hicks the other evening and I was excited and a little bit apprehensive at the same time!
Excited because I thought Squirt might have been on her way.
Apprehensive because they were only the first and if they hurt what the hell was real hard labour going to feel like!
But they werent that painful, just enough for me to wonder if they meant the start of labour or not.
So I am still mostly feeling quite positive about the whole thing.

I actually worry more about whether it will take me ages to realise Im in labour than how much it will hurt!
I can see myself writing an entry laughing at my naiviety once Squirt is here and Ive been through it all!

Aswell as the pain, it goes without saying that as excited I am to meet Squirt I have a few very small worries.

I think its mostly down to just how surreal this all is for me.

I am pregnant (yes that still hits me as a surprise!)
I have carried Squirt safely for 9 months.
I am past my due date and she could be, and more to the point is meant to be, born anyday now.

I really truely am about to become a mummy!
And thats where the small worry starts to creep in.

Is this really happening?
The one thing that I have dreamed of and longed for, for so long is about to come true.
And it just feels like its too good to be true.
But not in a way that makes me sure something will go wrong. There is no sense of dread.
I still have that positive feeling I have had since the beginning with Squirt.

I think its more a protective mechanism.
Up until last August when Squirt came into our lives, me and P had gotten so used to pregnancy being a sad, heartbreaking, soul destroying journey.
And when thats all you ever know you have to pinch yourself extra hard when you dreams really are about to come true.

We have been waiting for our little girl for so long.
So much longer than 9 months like any pregnant lady who hasnt suffered a loss, or multiple losses.
We have been waiting since before Pup and Lumpy were taken away.
We have been waiting since I stopped taking the pill, 23 long months ago.

Squirt is already so so loved.
She is so precious to us, our little rainbow, our little miracle.

I guess its no surprise that everything seems so overwhelming right now.

And another thing that is overwhelming is the size of me! My belly just keeps on growing.
I had forgotten how small I used to be until I looked back!