Tuesday, 17 July 2012


How did I get so lucky?

This thought occured to me a few days ago as I was driving along listening to Isla chatting away to herself in her carseat.

I have a beautiful, happy, smiley baby who eats like a machine, sleeps all night and only really cries if she is hungry or lonely!

In that moment I felt like the luckiest Mummy in the world and wondered what Id done to deserve such an amazing baby.

And then I realised, I hadnt done anything, but I still deserved her.

I deserve her because of my two angels who look down on me everyday.
I deserve her because I waited 2 years instead of the usual 9 Months to hold her in my arms.
I deserve her because I have cried more tears than I thought was possible over broken dreams and shattered hopes.

Yet through  all the last 2 years has thrown at P and I and despite knowing I deserve this happiness I still feel incredibly lucky!

To have Isla, my daughter look at me with her huge blue eyes as if I am her whole world fills me with joy!
To be able to say I  have a daughter is mind blowing enough so to see her face light up in a big toothless smile when she recognises my face makes my heart nearly explode with happiness!
To be called Mummy is the most awesome name in the world and now its my name!
So yes I do have two angels that I never got the chance to meet but without them I wouldnt have my Isla so I feel so very lucky and I wouldnt change a thing.
Somehow it feels like where I am right now, with Isla sat on my lap smiling at me every now and then and playing with my hands, this is where I was always meant to be.

Friday, 6 July 2012

How things change!

Isla has been here for almost eight weeks now.
Eight whirlwind filled weeks!

The first month I didn't know whether I was coming or going, I was completely overwhelmed and so out of my depth!
But slowly I have been finding my feet and learning how to be her mummy.
I by no means have it all figured out, everyday she still managed to surprise and confuse me, but slowly, together, we are making it!

I never dreamed I would struggle with her.
I thought that because of all we'd been through to have her that once she was here life would be easy and perfect!
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I had everything I'd ever wanted yet I wasn't happy.

I now know that the cause of my struggles was not my inability to be a mummy but extreme soul destroying tiredness!
I felt awful for not feeling like I was on cloud nine because I had my rainbow.
But I was too tired to think straight, let alone feel happy.
I thought I didn't love my longed for baby and so because of that I hated myself.

Then we discovered she had silent reflux and everything made sense!
The not sleeping, the constant crying and fussiness.
I wasnt a terrible mummy, I had a poorly baby!
Once we knew this I felt so much better, I had felt all along something was wrong with Isla and I was right, my mummy instincts were right!

So I started to trust them more.
I put Isla to sleep on her tummy because she hated being on her back.
And she started sleeping, really sleeping!
She will sleep an average of 6-7 hours in one solid stretch at night and so I sleep too!

And I feel like a human again!
 I discovered that new mummy joy!
I love my baby, completely, totally and fiercely!
Of course she still cries and sometimes I still feel unsure but with sleep everything is easier and possible!
 I can't believe how much my beautiful little girl had changed already in her first eight weeks and can't wait to see the changes the next eight weeks bring!