Obviously all I seem to be asked at the moment by friends and family is 'Are you OK?'
I am very tempted to answer it truthfully.
'My two Babies are now Angel Babies so actually I am not ok and I never will be, but thanks for asking, how are you?!'
But instead I just shrug and say 'Yeah Im OK'
I cant be bothered. I cant be bothered to take the time to explain that I will never be 'normal' again.
After Lumpy I found a new normal that was not really the old me, but would have to do.
Now after Pup I have found another new normal. The funny thing is that I think I am probably closer to my old self than after Lumpy.
And its not because I care less that Pup is gone. Its because sadly I have been here before. I know that I wont get back to 'normal' and instead of endlessly searching for it, Im sticking right where I am, and finding things to do that make me happy and make me smile. And that is how Ive found a little bit of my old normal. Not a lot of it but abit.
I played football yesterday and had a really good day with my team. I laughed and messed around. I felt that great feeling when you are playing well and you score and everything is great.
And thats when the old normal ended and the new normal began. Because then I had to think about whether I would sign up for the season coming up. So immeadiately I started thinking about how much of the season I would be able to play if I got pregnant in the next few months.
So although I may be finding some of my old normal I am still living with a new normal. But thats ok.
Who wants to be normal anyway! Normal is uninteresting isnt it.
Actually me, Id like to be normal. Just for a bit.
Id like to be like a normal person who gets pregnant and then 9 months later gives birth to a beautiful healthy baby.
Id like to be a normal person who hasnt lost 2 pieces of their heart to their angels.
Id like to be an normal person who doesnt know how fragile life is.
Id like to be a normal person who gets called Mummy.
It seems like maybe part of my life is getting back to what I call normal though.
Since my d&c I have been charting, because I need to feel like I am doing something.
My temperatures have been abit more crazy than they were after the first d&c but still they came down.
Then 5 days ago it seems I ovulated, on CD 20. Which is pretty much unheard of for me. CD 28 is normal for me and it has been as late as CD 34. So what is my body up to?
The most logical explanation is that actually I havent ovulated at all and my temperatures are still all over the place from the d&c.
But maybe, just maybe the changes that can happen to your cycle from being pregnant have for once worked in my favour and made me, dare I say it, almost normal?
Its highly unlikely, but Ill take even a fraction of hope right now!