Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Sitting, wishing, waiting........

We are so close now, me and Squirt, that I feel I can almost reach out and touch it.

So close, yet so far.

In some odd way the closer we get to the 5th May, the more unreal and unimaginable it seems.
My baby girl is due in six weeks and four days.
I never thought we would make it this far after we lost Pup.
Two angels who grew wings within four months of each other made it seem a near impossiblity.

To dare to dream that I would ever see a baby on a scan, with a heartbeat, seemed too much.
To long for that baby bump that Id never had, made my heart ache with pain.
To dare to hope that one day I might feel my baby move inside of me, well that just seemed foolish.
And then to dare to imgaine that one day I might give birth to my very own baby, well it just seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

I am well aware that we are not there yet.
But the funny thing is that ever since I got pregnant with Squirt I didnt have those doubts.
I still worried about her, but it was like I knew.

In the same way that somehow I knew (and I still dont know how) that something was wrong with Lumpy before that first scan.
In the same way I felt sick with worry the whole time I was pregnant with Pup.
This time I have felt so positive and happy about Squirt.

She is the one, my rainbow, my hope after the storm.
From the moment I first saw her on a scan.
That tiny little turtle shaped blob with a strong heartbeat.
I felt that love and I also felt pure joy and happiness.

I was having a baby, I was going to get to experience everything I had longed for!

Now call me paranoid but even with all this optimisum I still dont want to tempt fate.
I still dont want to assume that she will arrive into this world and everything will be perfect.
There are little things I do, to avoid jinxing things.

I havent written her due date on the calendar, or in my diary.
Its not like I need to be reminded of when it is!
Its like an insurance against getting too confident.

While I cant believe how close we are to finally meeting and being able to hold her in my arms I just want to make sure she really is here before I celebrate too much!

Part of the reason I have had so much time to think about things is that I now have absolutely nothing left to do in her nursery.
The changing unit is filled with pretty white and pink baskets, which in turn are filled with nappies, wipes, towels and other baby things!
The carrycot has its new mattress and Ive washed all her brand new clothes.
Ive even packed up her hospital bag and made a start on my bag.

So now we wait................

Monday, 5 March 2012

Feathering the nest

Its been a while....again!

I was sure I wrote on here last week but obviously I didnt.
Nor the week before.

Me and Squirt are now into single figures of how much time we have left as one person.
I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that soon she will be her own person, separate of me, outside of me.
It seems like we will never be apart and I guess thats why the bond between a Mother and her child is so strong.

We share so much together in these 9 months that nothing can ever come close to that.

I have been noticing her getting hiccups alot more these past few weeks.
I guess its because she is slowly getitng bigger that before I wasnt always noticing them.
I find it really cute, and also wonder if they annoy her as much as they annoy someone who is more aware of them.
Sometimes I think they must do because I feel her hiccup a few times and then she starts thrashing around as if she is trying to make them stop!

I saw the midwife again last week and she checked to see if Squirt was still transverse.
And she is not!
She is now head down, albeit in her own way.
She had her head pointing towards my right hip with her body wrapped around my belly button and her feet on my left.
Although that was almost a week ago now and I think she may be more 'head down, feet up' now as Ive felt a few kicks higher up and her hiccups were definately more central today.

Hearing that she is getting into position makes me so excited.
It makes her arrival seem so much more real and iminent!

I have made alot of progress with her nursery, there is now hardly anything left to do (aside from finding room for all the cute things I have ordered that I am waiting to be delivered!)
T and E brought her changing unit round at the weekend so today I put the last 3 shelves up- with a little help from P this time because it became abit tricky and I got all upset that her beautiful walls were ruined!

A few weeks ago I put up the writing and winnie the pooh stickers, which look so pretty.
Today I also cleaned her carrycot all ready for when the mattress for it arrives.

I just need (well want!) to buy some baskets for her changing unit and then I will really be 100% completely ready for her to arrive.

But at the same time I feel so unprepared.
It doesnt make any sense.
I want her here so so much.
I am so excited to finally meet her, to see her little face and know what she looks like.
To hold her in my arms is going to be the most amazing experience.

Yet I feel like she cant come yet because the house isnt perfect.
There is still so much to do in the rest of the house.
And it doesnt make any sense.
Because she is a baby.
She wont care if the lounge is painted a pretty colour or not, or if we have pictures on the wall.
But it still unsettles me.

I guess thats  why they call it nesting.
Its not just her nursery, its the whole house that my pregnant brain wants to 'make ready' for her arrival.

Well at least it will keep me occupied I suppose!

I need to take more pictures of the nursery as this is a few weeks old but here is another look at the progress of the house and me!