What could have been............

6th Spetember 2011

Lumpys due date. The day I shouldve been welcoming my precius new baby into the world.

Now I know most babies dont come on their due dates but at the very least I should be excitedly looking forward to meeting my little baby.

I got a reminder of it in the post today, as if I need a reminder of what day it is.
A free magazine that I had signed up to when I first found out I was pregnant with Lumpy.
It was full of articles about new born babies and how this is one of the happiest times of your life.
Needless to say I didnt read any of the articles, Ive put it to one side with the rest of the baby and pregnancy stuff that has arrived in the post in the last 9 months.

In 8 months time in May I will be able to read it with a smile on my face and a baby screaming in the background!

We lit a candle for Lumpy today.
I expected to feel like crying but strangly I didnt.
I was glad to be able to do something to say goodbye to Lumpy.
Its almost like Ive not been able to let go since I lost him.

I think being pregnant again with Squirt is really helping me deal with today.
If I wasnt pregnant today would have been harder.
But at the same time it doesnt make it any easier.
Its confusing because if Lumpy was still here, Sqiurt wouldnt be, and I would have had that short time being pregnant with Pup either.
So feeling sad that Lumpy is gone makes me feel bad for Squirt, and loving Squirt makes me feel I am betraying Lumpy (which I know is ridiculous really!)

Also there is still a long way to go with Squirt, all the exciting milestones that Ive never reached before are still a lifetime away.
But I can actually see me reaching them with Squirt and that is a good feeling.