I should be almost 33 weeks pregnant today. I should be thinking about giving up work and rubbing my belly all the time. I should have had a baby shower and be eagerly awaiting meeeting my precious Lumpy.
Or failing that I should be almost 14 weeks pregnant, having just had my first proper scan and seen my baby Pup moving around for the very first time. I should be joyfully showing everyone my u/s photos and feeling so happy because of the baby growing in my tummy.
But no I am neither of those things. I am waiting for my period to come so me and P can begin TTC again. I am feeling empty inside. I am waking up at 0500 every morning to take my temperature.
And it makes me feel very sad. And makes life feel very unfair.
It seems as if the rest of the world is mocking me.
Yesterday alone I was constantly surrounded by pregnant women at work. First of all there was the patient whos grandaughter accompanied us to hospital, heavily pregnant.
Then there was the district nurse who turned up at our patients house, 6 months pregnant and moaning about the heat!
Then there was the sister who we handed our pateint over to at hospital who is 7 months pregnant.
It seems I cant get away from reminders of what Ive lost at the moment.
Even in my dreams I am haunted by images of pregnant people. I dreamt about a girl I work with, who is due 2 weeks after I should have due with Lumpy. She turned up in my dream, looking 7 months pregnant (as she is) and wanting to talk to me. I turned and walked away form her (as I probably would in real life) Ive not seen her since I lost Lumpy and at that time she didnt look pregnant.
But with all of these feelings I am surprising myself at how well I am doing, and how well P is doing.
We are trying to get on with life as best we can. Like the song by Bruce Springsteen goes
'If God gives you nothing but lemons, then you make some lemonade'
We are using the terrible hand we have been dealt to try and move on with our life in a way we wouldnt have been able to if I was still 7 months pregnant. We are going to try and move to a bigger family home.
I am well aware of the danger of moving to a family home with no family to put in it.
That is precisely the reason I refused to move house before we concieved Lumpy. I wanted a family to put in our family house.
But after spending time in the midset of 'Lifes not fair' and 'Why me' we have decided to try and put a positive spin on me not being pregnant.
If I was 7 months pregnant I would be about to give up full time work for a long long time. I had planned to keep my job but when I returned after Lumpy was born I was going to work part time.
That would mean we couldnt afford to get an increase on our mortgage to buy a family home.
So although we didnt really care, we just wanted a baby, we would have been stuck in our 2 bedroom house for a few more years.
Seeing as we cant have the baby we desperately want when we should be having him will we try and buy the family home we will hopefully eventually need. At least that is something we can control.
We have learnt that there is not much in life you can control, so the things that are within our control, we will make them the best they can be and hope that the things we cant control happen for us soon.
Seeing as life goes on, we may as well keep up with it!