So Im Pregnant again.
I dont really know what else to say.
There was no jumping up and down at the two pink lines this time.
I just walked into the bedroom and showed P and half smiled at him.
There is no imagining our future with a happy smiling baby come January.
There is only the fear of my ultrasound and the bad news it can bring.
Dont get me wrong, I realise how incredibly lucky and blessed me and P are to have gotten Pregnant so quickly and I want this baby more than anything in the world.
I actually dont feel the sense of dread I thought I would, I feel relatively optimistic about this LO.
So much so that P has already been allowed to come up with a nickname.
'Pup' came from a holiday he took to Arizon. All the parents there seemed to call their children Pup and when he told me I thought it was so cute.
I am only too aware of the dangers of nicknaming Pup so early.
I have allowed myself and P to get attached when we know how easily our baby can be ripped away from us.
But I cant help it. I already love her so so much and I cant imagine going through the next 9 months denying Pups existance or pretending that I havent pinned all my hopes and dreams on her arriving safely.
This feeling of love and happiness that Pup is in my tummy is replaced with a sudden sharp feeling of fear whenever I allow my mind to wander as far as the first ultrasound.
All I can hear are the words 'I am not looking at a 12 week Pregnancy, how far along should you be'
So instead I dont think much about the future.
I concentrate on how Pregnant I am today and what Pup has already achieved by making it this far.
I think to myself ;Today I am happy because today I am Pregnant.'
That is all I can do because otherwise I will be consumed by the panic and fear of the possiblity of losing Pup.