Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Hoping for the best....Preparing for the worst

I hate that I have to think this way.
I guess its unavoidable after losing Lumpy to a missed m/c.
I find myself doing things to cushion myself against the pain of losing this baby.

Ive told quite a few of my friends about this new pregnancy.
More than I told about Lumpy, even when I thought Id made it to 10 weeks.
The reason for doing this isnt because I am an eternal optimist.
It is because then they will understand why I am so sad when I miscarry again.
I am trying to protect myself against the soul destroying pain that accompanies losing a baby.

Except I cant. Because no matter how I try and ready myself for it, if it comes I will still be so unprepared and vulnerable.
But I cant stop myself trying.

Its like I am completely unable to preapre for a happy ending, it seems like I assuming to much to prepare to be happy.
I had my first midwife appointment today and left with loads of pregnancy leaflets etc.
The first few apges of the pregnancy handbook I started to look through were all about labour and delivery.
I started crying. I cant believe they would put that at the beginning of the booklet. How dare they assume I will get to that point so easily. As if it a guaurentee that once you get Pregnant you will make it so far as to give birth to your baby. It didnt work like that last time for me.And Im terrified it wont again this time.
So I stopped reading the stupid optimistic booklet. I will only read information on the week of pregnancy I am in right now. I dont even dare to sneak a peek ahead to the next week to see what Pup will be up to. It makes me feel lilke I am rushing her and daring to think ahead when this week isnt even over yet.

I hope I dont feel like this constantly. But I cant even bring myself to say I hope I dont feel like this for the next 8 months. Because that in itself shows an assumption I am not willing to make. That Pup will stay in my tummy for the entire 9 months and not leave me too early like Lumpy did.

I knew this would be hard but I didnt know Id be so scared to think of the future.

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