I have my first scan for this pregnancy in 2 days time and any small bit of hope I had for Pup being Ok is starting to leave me.
I still feel Pregnant. I feel more pregnant than I ever did with Lumpy.
I feel more sick, more often.
I feel more bloated, all the time.
My boobs are sore and have grown quicker than before.
But now that I have a time and a date for the scan the only thing I can think of is that last terrible scan.
My scan will be on 8th June, my last scan was on 8th Feburary.
4 whole months in between them. But it feels like a whole lifetime.
So much has changed and will never be the same again.
All I can see when I try and imagine what the scan will be like is Lumpys lifeless litttle dot on the screen.
All I can hear when I try and imagine the u/s tech showing us our baby is her saying 'This doesnt look like a 12 weeks pregnancy, how many weeks are you supposed to be?'
I know its only natural to worry because of our experience with Lumpy but as well as worrying about the outcome of the scan I am worrying about what all this worrying is doing to Pup!
Why do we worry when it doesnt change anything. Worrying wont make Pup grow any stronger or bigger. It wont make Pup less likely to die. It wont make Pup healthier.
But still I do it.
Wednesday seems ages away and yet it is less than 48 hours.
It cant come soon enough and yet I dont want it to come at all.