Thursday, 17 March 2011

Caught off guard

For the last few days P and I have been somewhat distracted with a close family member going through a really tough time. Its been strange to see someone more upset than me, not that its a competition, but to see how far Ive come in a month. I think maybe until you sit back and look at things you dont notice just much progress youve made.

I was talking to P about how glad I am to be able to notice how depressed I was a few weeks ago and to know that I am doing better. I was even able to give advice to our family member as to what helped me through my hardest times and I felt like maybe Id have no more really down days.

Then the following day I was completely floored with the pain and hurt of not being pregnant. I popped into work and at first it was really lovely to see the familiar faces, my crew mate was there and I started to think to myself, 'yeah I can do this, work will be ok'. I saw one of my work mates who I assumed was crewed up with my crew mate for the day as Im still off sick and asked her if she was having to put up with him all day. She just said 'no' and looked really akward and looked away. If she wasnt working with my crew mate there was no one else for her to be working with which meant only one thing, she is no longer working on the road, she is on light duties like I was when I was pregnant. Straight away I felt that now familiar stabbing through my heart, the pain that takes my breath away and sends me straight back to the day we lost lumpy. I was pregnant before her but now she willl get to hold her baby before me.

Now all these thoughts are rushing through my head and I dont even know for sure that she is pregnant, but at the same time I know. I just know. I can tell by the look that was on her face when I asked if she was working with my crew mate. The look of guilt, pity and akwardness. I know because in our job when women are on light duties they are doing them for one reaosn and one reaon only. The same reason I was doing them. It hurts and I thought it wouldnt still hurt this much.

I guess it serves me right. There I was talking to P about how I wasnt going back to those days of depression and disinterest and I get knocked completely sideways. The world was just starting to look full of hope and colour again and one moment turned it grey and lifeless again. I think the worst part was that I thought I was doing so well.

I suppose in one way I am. The feelings of hurt and pain lasted for most of the day after I went into work. Then I remembered what P had said to me almost 2 weeks ago. That I have to have hope and I have to try, for the sake of our future babies. So I picked myself up and made myself do some exercise. It helped and I managed to finish the day in a much better mood than I wouldve done.

Everytime I think about Lumpy and where I would be now (15 weeks 2 days) not that Im counting! I feel a sense of longing and it does hurt. Of course I think about Lumpy all the time. I dont think there is a second that goes by when Im awake when I am not thinking about Lumpy. The pain associated with those thoughts is no longer a fresh raw pain that I feel I cant cope with and need to run from. Its like a numb kind of pain. Its a pain that will always be with me, for the rest of my life. Like a bruise. You know its there but unless you poke it or knock it its ok, its bearable. I guess the other day I knocked it accidentally and the power of the pain it caused surprised me. I need to be more careful in future. At least by being prepared I can cushion the blow slightly.

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