Saturday, 23 July 2011

Too soon?

It only seems right that I should mention the physical side of things aswell as the emotional as the two are more connected than I sometimes realise.

I have had my first post d&c period which means technically me and P are ready to TTC again.
I even ovulated that first cycle after the d&c and early for me aswell, which in itself is a minor miracle. I Od on CD 20, a whole 8 days earlier than I ever have since I began charting last October.

So now I am faced with the thought that in a few weeks time I could be waiting to find out if I am pregnant again and I dont know how I feel about that.

I am excited to see that I Od early this past cycle, as I have been worrying that it is my late O that has caused me to lose both Lumpy and Pup.
I am hoping so so much that I O around the same time this cycle but I dont want to get my hopes up too high, then there is only further for them to fall.

At the same time as this hope, I am, for the first time, feeling a sense of dread about possibly being pregnant again.
I dont want to have that constant fear that I might lose my baby.
I dont want to have that constant worry that I might do something that might harm my baby.

This is new to me and it is so confusing.
I want to be pregnant, more than anything in the whole world.
But I want to be happily pregnant, not terrified pregnant.

Last time, after losing Lumpy, all I could think about was getting pregnant again asap.
I desperately wanted, even needed to be pregnant before Lumpys EDD.
Well now I know that doesnt matter.
I got pregnant before Lumpys EDD and then went and lost Pup too.

Now I have no milestones in my head.
Lumpys EDD is just over 6 weeks away.
I will not be pregnant by then.
And although that is not fine with me, it is the way it has to be, so I accept that.

So how do I go about TTC with all these thoughts going round in my head.
The sad fact is that right now I am happier being not pregnant than I would be being pregnant and that makes me sad.
And its not because being pregnant makes me miserable.
It is the complete opposite.
Being pregnant makes me feel more alive than ever. But with that joy and hope comes the possiblity of losing everything all over again.
And I just dont know how many times I can have my heart ripped apart before I actually cant carry on.

Maybe Im just not as strong as I make out.
But I must be strong, because not ttc again will not get me my longed for baby.

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