Ive spent a lot of time these last few days feeling guilty for wishing my life away.
Iwant to be a Mummy so badly that Ive been so uninterested in everything other than TTC and being Pregnant again.
Those feelings have caused me to lose appreciation for the things I do have and the fun times that I am able to hve with P and Maisie.
It was really brought home to me today while watching 'UP' with P. The first time I watched that film was when we had just started TTC Lumpy and I was worried I might never get Pregnant.
So it made me cry because I thought that could be me.
Then I got Pregnant and obviously the worry about never getting Pregnant went away.
Now my fear is not that I wont get Pregnant but its that any Pregnancy I have will end in tears and heartbreak.
So today when I watched 'UP' I cried again because at the moment the women at the beginning is me.
At the moment I dont have a baby.
Then the film goes on to show the happy times the couple spend together and how much they love each other and I realised something.
Though the women in the story may be me I am still lucky.
I have a Husband who I love and who loves me and we are really happy together.
We are sad that we dont have Lumpy but with each other we are happy. And that is such an important thing.
No matter what happens on our TTC journey we have each other and always will do.
Our life together is one big adventure and I will try my very best to enjoy the steps we take no matter where they lead us.
I noticed something else about 'UP' today that I didnt notice last time I watched it, the reason for that will become clear when I say what it is. When the women is looking up at the clouds dreaming of having a baby she seees another shape in the clouds, an elephant with wings. I couldnt believe it when I saw it. A massive coincidence that in a film that begins with a couples inability to have a baby there is a cloud shaped like an elephant, the very animal Lumpy was named after. And not just any elephant but an angel elephant. Just like Lumpy is our angel. I thought it was really strange.