Thursday, 28 April 2011

Welcome to the real world

I started writing this post over a week ago. On the day Lumpy shouldve been inside me for 20 weeks.
The day I shouldve been celebrating being halfway through my pregnancy.

Instead I was at work dreaming about what shouldve been.
Then to make matters worse when I got home I had a letter through my door telling my I was having my 20 week scan this week.
I wanted to scream. I am not having my 20 week scan because my baby didnt live long enough.
I dont need these constant reminders of what my life should be like right now. Its hard enough every Tuesday counting the weeks I should be, the milestones I should be experiencing, without reminders of what Ive lost coming through my door all the time.

Compounding my sense of loss and sadness is the fact that I am now on CD 29 of my second cycle after losing Lumpy and I still havent Ovulated.
Not even ovulating and therefor not even having a chance at getting pregnant again is hurting me alot.

Losing Lumpy was the single hardest thing that Ive ever experienced in my life and I thought I was learning to live as the new me. The me whose lost their reason for happiness. The me whose lost their reason to smile.
But this limbo Ive been thrown back into, of desperately wanting to TTC but my body not cooperating, is breaking me apart all over again.

Getting pregnant again and the lengths I have to go to to get there is taking over my life. I cannot think about anything else, except how much it hurts to not be pregnant with Lumpy anymore.
I know this is no way to live but I cannot turn off how I feel.

I wake up at 0500 every morning because my alarm goes off so I can take my temperature to see if Ive ovulated.
I POAS every morning to see if I get a positive OPK.
I check my fertile signs to see if I might be about to ovulate.
I spend all day analysing how Im feeling and if I have any sign that I may have ovulated or not.
Then it starts all over again the next day.

I know I dont have to go through as much as some women, such as taking clomid or doing IVF but at the moment I feel like clomid may be not too far down the line for me.
And that scares me. Not because I wont do it because I will. I will do anything to have a healthy baby. But it scares me that I may be TTC in vain at the moment. My cycles are so messed up I cant see anyway I can possibly even get pregnant let alone have a healthy baby. But I cant just sit around and watch my body ovulate without TTC. If there is any chance I can get pregnant I will try but I just dont know if Im setting myself up for another miscarriage.

Friday, 15 April 2011

A Beautiful Memory

Today marks Two months and One week from that day.
The most terrible day of mine and Ps life. The day we were told our baby was not measuring the right size and was too tiny for them to be able to tell if He had a heartbeat.

I feel terrible that I didnt even notice the date last week.
It was my first proper shift back at work and I suppose I was busy. But I write the date down on every patient record sheet we use, so how did I not notice.
It makes me feel like I no longer care or that Ive forgotten, which of course is rubbish.
But I cant escape from the fact that I just didnt realise and I hate that.

Lumpy is always on my mind. Even if I am not actively thinking of how much I miss Him there is always a part of me that is with Him.
And almost everything I do or see makes me think of Lumpy.

 I played football two days ago, I hadnt done that since before I was Pregnant with Lumpy.
At football a teamate was there who I had not seen for ages. She wasnt playing so I asked her why. She told me she was Pregnant. I felt sick. I smiled at her and said congratulations. Then I walked off and sat in the toilet on my own. I didnt cry, I couldnt cry. I was about to go and play football. All at once my good mood at being back with my team mates in a familiar role was shattered. I wasnt Pregnant. I wasnt about to become a Mummy. But I should be. I hate how life is so unfair. I hate how I can feel so awful at someone elses amazing and beautiful news.

Playing football, once I got into it was good. I loved it again. I thought I would spend every second on the pitch wishing I wasnt there and I wasnt able to play because I was Pregnant but actually I didnt. It was great to be back. I rememebered why I loved it before and I feel glad to see small parts of my old self creeping back.
Dont get me wrong. If I had a choice I would choose being Pregnant in a heartbeat. If I could never play football again, because of our child, once they were born I wouldnt care. But right now I dont have that choice. Right now all I have are things that drag me back to who I used to be. Things that help me to appreciate that while I may hate my life without Lumpy I can still find happiness in some small places.

The thoughts about wishing I couldnt do something because I wish I was still Pregnant are still there. But while Im playing football they are banished. While I was on the pitch I was concentrating on the match and that was good for me I think. Its one of the only things Ive done recently that hasnt left any space in my head for thinking. Even going running doesnt stop me thinking completely, it just helps my thoughts to be more positive.

Another thing that has been helping me over the past week has been focusing my energy on our garden.
I came home from work the other day to find P had made a start on the garden and I immeadiately thought of Lumpy.
There is a reason for that. P had said to me when I was Pregnant that he wanted to redo the garden before Lumpy was born. This was because we had a bark path and Maisie was allowed out in the garden through her catflap whenever she faniced. This combination meant cleaning up after her was a game of hide and seek amongst the bark and so was not the most hygienic place to let a small baby spend time in.
After we lost Lumpy P had not mentioned the garden at all and I was happy to just leave it, it was fine for just the two of us.
So when I came home to find he had thrown all the bark out and had big plans for the new garden I initailly felt sad.
We were meant to be doing all this so we could spend time in the garden with Lumpy next summer. He is not here anymore so we dont need to waste our time on it. We will never get to enjoy spending time playing with Lumpy in the garden, we will never get to do anything with Lumpy and that hurts.
But then I realised that this way I could help P. Sadly I am no longer Pregnant and unable to lift. Redoing the garden before I get Pregnant again means we can enjoy it together just the two of us this summer. (I hate saying 'just the two of us' but thats all there is for now).
So since I managed to look at what we can do with me not being Pregnant it has been easier to get things done. And I have to say I have enjoyed it. I have enjoyed being out in our garden, making plans for it and imaginig it all finished and us enjoying relaxing in it. Ive even started getting excited about how it will look when its finished. I must confess part of the happy daydreaming about our new garden does involve a big soft rug on our new decking with a smiling baby lying on it with me and P. At least for now I am thinking of a baby and smiling, that has to be an improvement.
P has laid a beautiful new path. At the end of the path he kept a area of mortar for Maisies paw print. I also put my hand print and I asked P to write our wedding anniversary date next to it. Partly because obviously its our house and our anniversary, but also because that was Lumpys due date. When P called me back over to see it finished instead of our wedding anniversary he had written 'LUMPY 2011'. It made me smile. That he was thinking of Lumpy the same as me. That I didnt even have to ask but he knew that it would make me happy. So the path is in memory of our Lumpy. Lumpy is the reason that we wanted to redo the garden so its only fitting that His name stays in our garden forever.

Our precious first child. Loved forever, remembered always.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

One step forward....Ten steps backwards

I miss you my little Lumpy.
The strength of how much I miss you  has come out of nowhere and knocked me sideways.
It feels so fresh and new, as if we only found out yesterday.

You should have been in my tummy for 18 weeks today.
I should be starting to feel you move soon.
You should be starting to be visible to the outside world, showing in my tummy.

But instead I am left with an empty feeling inside me and an ache in my heart that wont go away.

I should be looking forward to meeting you in September.
I should be having a scan in 2 weeks time to get to see you again, moving around on a screen, kicking your legs..

But instead I am dreading the thought of September coming and going with no new arrival.

Everything I do reminds me that you are no longer here.
I can go running, I can lift weights, I can play football, I can wear my skinny jeans, I can go on rollercoasters, I can eat pate, I can drink caffine.
I dont have to think of anyone but myself. I can do whatever the hell I want

But I dont want to. I want to be thinking of your little life growing inside of me. I want to be careful for you.
I have never been so happy to have to miss out on things or not do things. I had the most magical and amazing reason to not be doing fun things.
I was pregnant, with you, my baby, my Lumpy.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Forever Young

So as I knew it would the confirmation that all these Pregnancy symptoms were for nothing has thrown me back into a grey world where everything is hopeless and the littlest things bring me to tears.

I hadnt had days where I would just feel like crying for a couple of weeks until I got my period and knew for sure I wasnt pregnant. Now it seems Im back to that fragile state where I have to be careful all the time just incase something reminds me of Lumpy and I cant hold back the tears.

It started in the car listening to a song. Just one of Ps songs he likes to listen to on the way to his kick boxing, nothing particulary emotional. Except its a song whose lyrics I first noticed when we were on the way to our second and final scan for Lumpy.

'Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst'

Quite optimistic lyrics and I remember at the time they brought me to tears. It was exactly what we were doing. Hoping against hope that our little baby would be a miracle and would have grown against all the odds. Preparing for the news that would change our lives forever. The news that our baby hadnt grown and did not have a heartbeart.

This time that I heard the song we were on our way to my Mums for Mothers day. Id already woken up in a particularly bad mood as I was tired, having just finished nights. Hearing those words was enough to send me straight back to that day. The fear in the pit of my stomach. Thinking, my baby has to be fine, because I wont be able to cope if He isnt.
Hearing it again also made me realise I havent really moved on from those feelings. Every month now I will be hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Hoping to be Pregnant but preparing not to be. Hoping to see 2 pink lines but preparing to get my period.

Ever since Lumpy has been gone Ive had wierd dreams that at first didnt make any sense to me. I keep dreaming about being back at either school, colleage or Uni. Not much happens in these dreams but I always have the same overwhelming feeling of dread and despair in my dreams. I do not want to be sitting in those classes, doing something I dont want to be doing. I have a strong sense that I shouldnt even be there, in that classroom. Like I should have left already and should be doing something else more interesting with my life. So in my dream I say to myelf 'Just a couple more years and you will be free. Free of this feeling of apathy and despair.'

It was only this morning when I was telling P about my dreams that I realised why Im having them over and over again. I was telling him and how I couldnt understand why I keep dreaming about a stage of my life that is over, and why in my dreams it seems so terrible when at the time it was actually pretty fun and easy.

It is because I feel like I have gone backwards in my life back to a stage I thought I had left behind. In other words I am not pregnant. I have gone back to a stage in my life that the first time around was brilliant. Me and P were a young married couple, in love and able to do anything we wanted.
Then we decided we wanted a baby so I changed a few things in my life, things I was happy to change.
I got Pregnant and a few more things changed in my life. I changed my role at work to protect my baby. I stopped playing football to protect my baby.
Now I am now longer pregnant I am able to do my old job, able to play football, able to drink alcohol. But this time around it all seems so terrible. I shouldn't be at this stage anymore. Ive been here before and I moved on, forwards with my life. But somehow it got taken away from me. I dont want to be part of a young married couple anymore. I want to be a young family, with a baby on the way. I dont want to be able to play football or drink alcohol, and I havent done either since we lost Lumpy.

My old life, that when it was the only life I knew, I loved, is now so hard and unbearable I find myself wondering how I was so happy before I got Pregnant.
I find little joy in things I used to love. The only place joy lives for me now is in the dreams of one day becoming a Mummy.