Monday, 26 September 2011

Cloud Nine

Today we went for our first u/s for Squirt.

It was an emergency scan because I had some heavyish spotting on saturday and was terrified I might lose Squirt.
The spotting stopped completely a couple of hours after it began and was replaced with brown cm which was gone by Sunday afternoon.

Strangely enough after the initial shock of seeing the blood I actual still had a good feeling about Squirt and this morning on the way to the hospital I didnt have that same fear Id had with Pup and Lumpy.
I felt calm and excited to see my baby!

I guess Mum knows best because we saw our precious Squirt on the screen almost straight away!
Squirts heart beating away is the most beautiful and perfect sight I have ever seen and I will never forget that moment!
P was crying while we were looking at Squirt and I just couldnt stop grinning!
Our baby, our Squirt is alive and has a heartbeat!
Aswell as having a heartbeat Squirt is measuring exactly the right size, down to the the day that FF keep telling me right!
So I am 7+6 today and go back in exactly 4 weeks time to see my gorgeous Squirt again!

I have never been so happy!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Something to worry about

I have found myself starting to worry these last few days, but not about what I would expect to be worried about.

There is no worrying for Squirt, not because I dont care (obviously I care about Squirt more than I care about myself) but mostly because I just have this feeling that he/she will be ok.
Strangely enough I dont have a feeling about whether Squirt is a boy or a girl like I did with Lumpy and Pup.
Mostly I feel Squirt could be a girl but then I find myself thinking about Squirt being a boy instead so at the moment Im not sure.

The worrying is about us moving house
We have had an offer accepted on a new house so it looks like we really are moving.
The enormity of it is hitting me now its real.
While I am pregnant and should be avoiding lifting things we have to pack up our entire house and move it somewhere else.

Of course there is a reason for us moving.
We need more space. The new house has two double bedrooms and one single (Squirts nursery)
It has a downstairs toilet and an en suite to our bedroom.
It has a huge back garden for M to run around in like crazy, and for Squirt to play in when he/she is bigger.
It is perfect for us.
Yet part of me doesnt want to leave our lovely little house.
I love it, it is home.
The new house wont be home for a while.
I know it will be one day and then I will love the new house too.

Part of the worrying has been down to not wanting to leave, and part of it has been worrying that something might not go to plan and we might not end up moving.
I think I just need somethng to worry about!

And I am so very glad to discover that none of my worrying has been directed at whether Squirt is ok or not.
I have had a few moments on the last few days where Ive actually 'remembered' that Im pregnant.
Ive been day dreaming, as I do alot, and suddenly realised that I am actually, really and truely pregnant, its strange!
Its like Im finally able to let go and let Squirt grow without feeling like I need to worry to protect him/her.

Its a good feeling!

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

What could have been............

6th Spetember 2011

Lumpys due date. The day I shouldve been welcoming my precius new baby into the world.

Now I know most babies dont come on their due dates but at the very least I should be excitedly looking forward to meeting my little baby.

I got a reminder of it in the post today, as if I need a reminder of what day it is.
A free magazine that I had signed up to when I first found out I was pregnant with Lumpy.
It was full of articles about new born babies and how this is one of the happiest times of your life.
Needless to say I didnt read any of the articles, Ive put it to one side with the rest of the baby and pregnancy stuff that has arrived in the post in the last 9 months.

In 8 months time in May I will be able to read it with a smile on my face and a baby screaming in the background!

We lit a candle for Lumpy today.
I expected to feel like crying but strangly I didnt.
I was glad to be able to do something to say goodbye to Lumpy.
Its almost like Ive not been able to let go since I lost him.

I think being pregnant again with Squirt is really helping me deal with today.
If I wasnt pregnant today would have been harder.
But at the same time it doesnt make it any easier.
Its confusing because if Lumpy was still here, Sqiurt wouldnt be, and I would have had that short time being pregnant with Pup either.
So feeling sad that Lumpy is gone makes me feel bad for Squirt, and loving Squirt makes me feel I am betraying Lumpy (which I know is ridiculous really!)

Also there is still a long way to go with Squirt, all the exciting milestones that Ive never reached before are still a lifetime away.
But I can actually see me reaching them with Squirt and that is a good feeling.