Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Hoping for the best....Preparing for the worst

I hate that I have to think this way.
I guess its unavoidable after losing Lumpy to a missed m/c.
I find myself doing things to cushion myself against the pain of losing this baby.

Ive told quite a few of my friends about this new pregnancy.
More than I told about Lumpy, even when I thought Id made it to 10 weeks.
The reason for doing this isnt because I am an eternal optimist.
It is because then they will understand why I am so sad when I miscarry again.
I am trying to protect myself against the soul destroying pain that accompanies losing a baby.

Except I cant. Because no matter how I try and ready myself for it, if it comes I will still be so unprepared and vulnerable.
But I cant stop myself trying.

Its like I am completely unable to preapre for a happy ending, it seems like I assuming to much to prepare to be happy.
I had my first midwife appointment today and left with loads of pregnancy leaflets etc.
The first few apges of the pregnancy handbook I started to look through were all about labour and delivery.
I started crying. I cant believe they would put that at the beginning of the booklet. How dare they assume I will get to that point so easily. As if it a guaurentee that once you get Pregnant you will make it so far as to give birth to your baby. It didnt work like that last time for me.And Im terrified it wont again this time.
So I stopped reading the stupid optimistic booklet. I will only read information on the week of pregnancy I am in right now. I dont even dare to sneak a peek ahead to the next week to see what Pup will be up to. It makes me feel lilke I am rushing her and daring to think ahead when this week isnt even over yet.

I hope I dont feel like this constantly. But I cant even bring myself to say I hope I dont feel like this for the next 8 months. Because that in itself shows an assumption I am not willing to make. That Pup will stay in my tummy for the entire 9 months and not leave me too early like Lumpy did.

I knew this would be hard but I didnt know Id be so scared to think of the future.

Saturday, 14 May 2011


So Im Pregnant again.

I dont really know what else to say.
There was no jumping up and down at the two pink lines this time.
I just walked into the bedroom and showed P and half smiled at him.

There is no imagining our future with a happy smiling baby come January.
There is only the fear of my ultrasound and the bad news it can bring.

Dont get me wrong, I realise how incredibly lucky and blessed me and P are to have gotten Pregnant so quickly and I want this baby more than anything in the world.

I actually dont feel the sense of dread I thought I would, I feel relatively optimistic about this LO.
So much so that P has already been allowed to come up with a nickname.
'Pup' came from a holiday he took to Arizon. All the parents there seemed to call their children Pup and when he told me I thought it was so cute.
I am only too aware of the dangers of nicknaming Pup so early.
I have allowed myself and P to get attached when we know how easily our baby can be ripped away from us.
But I cant help it. I already love her so so much and I cant imagine going through the next 9 months denying Pups existance or pretending that I havent pinned all my hopes and dreams on her arriving safely.

This feeling of love and happiness that Pup is in my tummy is replaced with a sudden sharp feeling of fear whenever I allow my mind to wander as far as the first ultrasound.
All I can hear are the words 'I am not looking at a 12 week Pregnancy, how far along should you be'

So instead I dont think much about the future.
I concentrate on how Pregnant I am today and what Pup has already achieved by making it this far.
I think to myself ;Today I am happy because today I am Pregnant.'

That is all I can do because otherwise I will be consumed by the panic and fear of the possiblity of losing Pup.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Adventure is out there

Ive spent a lot of time these last few days feeling guilty for wishing my life away.
Iwant to be a Mummy so badly that Ive been so uninterested in everything other than TTC and being Pregnant again.
Those feelings have caused me to lose appreciation for the things I do have and the fun times that I am able to hve with P and Maisie.

It was really brought home to me today while watching 'UP' with P. The first time I watched that film was when we had just started TTC Lumpy and I was worried I might never get Pregnant.
So it made me cry because I thought that could be me.

Then I got Pregnant and obviously the worry about never getting Pregnant went away.
Now my fear is not that I wont get Pregnant but its that any Pregnancy I have will end in tears and heartbreak.
So today when I watched 'UP' I cried again because at the moment the women at the beginning is me.
At the moment I dont have a baby.

Then the film goes on to show the happy times the couple spend together and how much they love each other and I realised something.
Though the women in the story may be me I am still lucky.
I have a Husband who I love and who loves me and we are really happy together.
We are sad that we dont have Lumpy but with each other we are happy. And that is such an important thing.
No matter what happens on our TTC journey we have each other and always will do.
Our life together is one big adventure and I will try my very best to enjoy the steps we take no matter where they lead us.

I noticed something else about 'UP' today that I didnt notice last time I watched it, the reason for that will become clear when I say what it is. When the women is looking up at the clouds dreaming of having a baby she seees another shape in the clouds, an elephant with wings. I couldnt believe it when I saw it. A massive coincidence that in a film that begins with a couples inability to have a baby there is a cloud shaped like an elephant, the very animal Lumpy was named after. And not just any elephant but an angel elephant. Just like Lumpy is our angel. I thought it was really strange.