Where to Begin.....

It is nearly 2 weeks since we found out that our precious longed for baby had died.
We never got to meet Lumpy, we never even saw their heartbeat. Lumpy stayed with me, their Mummy for 11 weeks and 6 days but they only grew for 6 weeks and maybe 3 days.

Does this make it any easier to lose them, I dont think so. But I have never lost my baby before so how do I know. And why do we say lost. I never lost them. I knew where they were the whole time. Safe with me, their Mummy, or so I thought.

Its cruel and painful enough to have a miscarriage but to have no sign of it happening seems to make it 100 times harder. I was so happy for those 11 weeks before I heard those words that trampled over my heart like it didnt matter.

Why did my body fail me twice, its bad enough that it couldnt look after my baby properly but that it couldnt even have a miscarrige properly well thats just rubbing salt into the wounds surely.

But then I have no idea how I wouldve felt to notice bleeding and cramping, would I have had the same awful shock, the same feeling of my whole world being turned upside down? I guess I probably would but at least I couldve had it in private with only P there to see. Not in some ultrasound room with some women who didnt seem to care that shed just ruined all our hopes and dreams.

I have been told that Lumpy wouldnt have survived, thats why they stopped growing. They werent strong enough and its better this way. Its not bette for me. The dreams me and P shared were not of a sick baby but of a smiling, even crying but healthy baby. So to be told its all ok cos they werent strong enough doesnt help one tiny little bit. I have had my perfect beautiful baby that I imagined ever since I saw those 2 pink lines ripped way from me.

To me its harder to grieve with Lumpy never growing into a recognisable baby. I have no image of them to call up to say I miss you to, I have no scan picture to look at and remember them alive. I know this spares me some of the pain that other angel mummys have to go through and Im not wishing myself more pain, I just dont know how to say goodbye to a baby that existed really only in my hopes and dreams. Real though they were those 11 weeks I was pregnant Lumpy didnt grow big enough. I know they were a real baby just so so tiny but I wish I couldve seen what they looked like. There is such a big empty space inside me how can somebody so small make such an impact.

I miss being pregnant so so much, I miss the hope of mine and Ps life being shared with our baby in Sept. I miss looking forward to scan dates and milestones, like when I should feel Lumpy move. I miss the old me.