Thursday, 3 March 2011

I needed that......

So today I meet up with a girl I met on my tech course 4 years ago. While we dont actually work together anymore we live failry close to each other and she has become an important friend to me.

Today I realised just how important. We talked about Lumpy, really talked. She didnt get uncomfortable or try to make me feel better, she listened and asked questions. I cant put into words how much that meant to me. She wants children, I think almost as much as me. Her and her fiance are going to ttc as soon as they are married so altho she hasnt experienced a m/c she is one of my only close friends at the same stage in her life as me and I think thats why altho she didnt know how I felt she wanted to talk about how I was feeling.

Aswell as this I spoke to my manager today and have arranged a date to go back to work and get back to my shifts and knowing what is going on I think has helped abit. I still dont want to go back but as far as that goes I have no choice. We have a mortgage to pay so I must work. Maybe my interest will return, im not sure right now.

I dare to think that maybe Im just having a good day and there is no reason for the improvement in how I feel. Then when I realise I havent felt that constant pain much today I feel guilty. Does this mean I no longer care that I had a miscarrige and that our baby died? Logically I know thats not what having good days mean but I dont want to forget one single thing about those 11 weeks I was pregnant.

Im just so bloody confused all the time. Everything confuses me and Im not sure what I should be feeling and when. I seem to question everything which is very tiring. Is this normal? I dont know if anyhting is ever gonna be normal, but is this normal for somone whos had a miscarrige, who knows!


  1. I think that pretty much anything and everything that you feel at a time like this is "normal" for this. I can relate to the hurt and confusion and the guilt and the guilt for feeling a little better. I think that it is good that you are writing about it to let it out. That's been helping me so far (at least I think so... it's hard to tell at this point).

    As for the guilt for not feeling the pain in the same way... that is a tough one. At least for me it has been. Even though in my head I know it isn't true, somehow in my heart it seems like a kind of betrayal doesn't it? Like I shouldn't be "over" my baby this soon. Oh. Why does this have to be so hard?

  2. Everything is just so hard isnt it. Its hard feeling this pain and being sad, its hard feeling better cos then you feel guilty, its hard grieving for a baby you never met or held.

    I decided to give this blog thing a go. It seems to help lots of others so I thought why not try it.

    Like you so far it hasnt done any harm so I figure ill carry on for a while!