Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Spring Cleaning

So Ive had an up and down few days, me and P had a fight on Sunday because I was mad at him for being wrapped up in work stuff and seemingly not caring anymore about our miscarriage.
Obviously I was wrong about him not caring, I felt so bad as when I said I felt like he didnt care he started crying and saying Lumpy was his baby too how could he not care. The pain of knowing Id made him cry hurt almost as much as losing our baby. I am a terrible person.

But something good came out of it, we talked about things and he explained how it was he seemed to be ok. He said he will never stop feeling the hurt of Lumpy being gone but that if he doesnt look to the future and the possibility of me being pregnant again he will drive himself into depression. Which I came see is true. I think Id almost done that to myself. I was struggling to do anything with my days, and was just focusing on how unfair it was that Lumpy was taken from us.

So I am really trying to find things to do to keep me and my brain busy. I am still hurting everday that my baby is no longer bringing joy into my life. But I am now trying to let that hurt be there without taking over every aspect of my life. I dont know if this is the right thing to do and Im not exactly a hundred percent successful but I think at least trying has got to be worth it.

I went for a run for the first time this year and it actually felt good. I thought Id be angry because I shouldnt be able to run because I should still be pregnant but in a wierd way I actaully enjoyed it. I took Maisie and it was good to get out, just the 2 of us. I dont think she was as impressed as me with the return of our running though. The minute she saw me in my running clothes she was off out the catflap to hide in the garden in an attempt to avoid the run! I have no idea how she knows Im planning a run and not just a walk, I think she is alot smarter than she looks!

So aswell as my plan to try and look after myself again the house has been getting alot of attention. My resolve to try and function nearly waivered when P went to work on Tuesday but I forced myself to do some cleaning and once I got into it, with my music up really loud I felt so much better. Although these days it seems nearly every song somehow fits into me missing Lumpy, I guess when someone is on your mind all day long it seems everything is about them. The achievement for me was being able to listen to songs that reminded me of being pregnant or of losing Lumpy without breaking down and crying.

Part of me is scared that this new found strength and positivity is going to come crashing down and send me 100 steps backward but I guess unless I try I will never know. P has reassured me about one thing. I said I felt like if I was happy sometimes that it meant I didnt care about Lumpy. Of course he told me that was ridiculous and that he wants me to be happy. I can be happy and still be sad and hurt that Lumpy is gone. I guess its my new happy, my old happy has gone away with Lumpy and I dont think that will be coming back anytime soon.

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