Isla has been here for almost eight weeks now.
Eight whirlwind filled weeks!
The first month I didn't know whether I was coming or going, I was completely overwhelmed and so out of my depth!
But slowly I have been finding my feet and learning how to be her mummy.
I by no means have it all figured out, everyday she still managed to surprise and confuse me, but slowly, together, we are making it!
I never dreamed I would struggle with her.
I thought that because of all we'd been through to have her that once she was here life would be easy and perfect!
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I had everything I'd ever wanted yet I wasn't happy.
I now know that the cause of my struggles was not my inability to be a mummy but extreme soul destroying tiredness!
I felt awful for not feeling like I was on cloud nine because I had my rainbow.
But I was too tired to think straight, let alone feel happy.
I thought I didn't love my longed for baby and so because of that I hated myself.
Then we discovered she had silent reflux and everything made sense!
The not sleeping, the constant crying and fussiness.
I wasnt a terrible mummy, I had a poorly baby!
Once we knew this I felt so much better, I had felt all along something was wrong with Isla and I was right, my mummy instincts were right!
So I started to trust them more.
I put Isla to sleep on her tummy because she hated being on her back.
And she started sleeping, really sleeping!
She will sleep an average of 6-7 hours in one solid stretch at night and so I sleep too!
And I feel like a human again!
I discovered that new mummy joy!
I love my baby, completely, totally and fiercely!
Of course she still cries and sometimes I still feel unsure but with sleep everything is easier and possible!
I can't believe how much my beautiful little girl had changed already in her first eight weeks and can't wait to see the changes the next eight weeks bring!