Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Sitting, wishing, waiting........

We are so close now, me and Squirt, that I feel I can almost reach out and touch it.

So close, yet so far.

In some odd way the closer we get to the 5th May, the more unreal and unimaginable it seems.
My baby girl is due in six weeks and four days.
I never thought we would make it this far after we lost Pup.
Two angels who grew wings within four months of each other made it seem a near impossiblity.

To dare to dream that I would ever see a baby on a scan, with a heartbeat, seemed too much.
To long for that baby bump that Id never had, made my heart ache with pain.
To dare to hope that one day I might feel my baby move inside of me, well that just seemed foolish.
And then to dare to imgaine that one day I might give birth to my very own baby, well it just seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

I am well aware that we are not there yet.
But the funny thing is that ever since I got pregnant with Squirt I didnt have those doubts.
I still worried about her, but it was like I knew.

In the same way that somehow I knew (and I still dont know how) that something was wrong with Lumpy before that first scan.
In the same way I felt sick with worry the whole time I was pregnant with Pup.
This time I have felt so positive and happy about Squirt.

She is the one, my rainbow, my hope after the storm.
From the moment I first saw her on a scan.
That tiny little turtle shaped blob with a strong heartbeat.
I felt that love and I also felt pure joy and happiness.

I was having a baby, I was going to get to experience everything I had longed for!

Now call me paranoid but even with all this optimisum I still dont want to tempt fate.
I still dont want to assume that she will arrive into this world and everything will be perfect.
There are little things I do, to avoid jinxing things.

I havent written her due date on the calendar, or in my diary.
Its not like I need to be reminded of when it is!
Its like an insurance against getting too confident.

While I cant believe how close we are to finally meeting and being able to hold her in my arms I just want to make sure she really is here before I celebrate too much!

Part of the reason I have had so much time to think about things is that I now have absolutely nothing left to do in her nursery.
The changing unit is filled with pretty white and pink baskets, which in turn are filled with nappies, wipes, towels and other baby things!
The carrycot has its new mattress and Ive washed all her brand new clothes.
Ive even packed up her hospital bag and made a start on my bag.

So now we wait................

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