Friday, 17 February 2012

Strength to Strength

So time is flying by at the moment, thats part of the reason that I havent written anything for more than 2 weeks.

That and I just plain forgot!

Just after my last post I had a few days where I really freaked out.
It was coming up to the one year anniversary of when we found out we had lost Lumpy.

I thought nothing could be harder than Lumpy and then Pups EDDs.
But I was wrong.
The day we lost Lumpy still haunts me.
The day our lives changed forever and our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.
I can remember that day like it was yesterday.
It was the first, but sadly not last time in my life I felt a physical pain caused by emotional hurt.
I couldnt breathe.
I couldnt speak.
I was numb but at the same time filled with such pain.
I actually dont know how I made it out of the hospital.
P pretty much carried me out of there.
I couldnt see for the tears that were falling.
I still dont know what I wouldve done without him.

He was everything I needed. He still is.
He made me keep living.
If it was just me I wouldve crawled into bed and never come out again.

But somehow we came through that darkness and out the other side.
And this happiness we now feel with Squirt has been made that much brighter because of the darkness we have been through.
We have gotten through a pain I never thought Id be able to bear, not once but twice.
And we have emerged stronger.
Forever changed, but definately stronger.

Now most people know about my two precious angels.
They know how excited and happy I am to be carrying my miracle rainbow Squirt.
So I am lucky that I dont get asked that dreaded question very often.

The dreaded 'Is this your first?' question.
The one question that angel Mummies struggle to answer.
The one that can open up those wounds in a split second without a moments warning.

When I do get asked it, nearly always my answer is yes.
I smile because I am so in love with Squirt.
But inside I am screaming. 'NO!'

This baby is my everything but she is not my first.
She is my third baby.
I have carried two children befrore here, albeit not for very long.
But I still carried them.
They are my babies and I am their Mummy.

Now the reaosn I dont tell people is not because I am worried about making them feel uncomfortable.
It is because I am not sure I want them to know.
If they dont already know chances are they dont know me well enough and I chose not to tell them.
Losing a baby is a very personal loss.
No matter how much time passes since you lost your baby it still hurts and so I dont always want to bear my feelings to people I dont know.
But it doesnt stop me feeling I should, because by not saying anything I feel I am betraying Lumpy and Pup.
Like I am pretending they dont exist.
Even though that is not what I am doing still there is guilt.

With all these thoughts going around in my head I guess its no wonder I felt slightly off that whole week.
I suddenly was just so scared something of happening to Squirt, kinda like history repeating itself.
It was completely irrational and other than the date that was approaching I dont really know why I felt that.

Luckily on the actual one year annivesary (8th Feb) Squirt suddenly became really really active again and has not stopped since!

I am so thankful for that, its almost like she knew and was saying to me, 'Im ok Mummy, Im not going anywhere'
In fact as I am sitting here typing she is kicking me to the point that it hurts!
She has been doing that more and more recently.
Mostly when Im trying to sleep.
I will be lying on my side and this little hand or foot will thump away at my belly, into the bed as if she is trying to tell me I am squashing her!
So I roll over, and she proceeds to do the same thing on the other side, she is hard to please!

And although it is keeping me awake and is more than just uncomfortalbe at times I still love feeling her.
She feels so unbelievably strong and that makes me the happiest mummy in the world!
That my baby girl is growing so big and strong is such an exciting thought!

Aswell as Squirt making such huge strides in her development I have been pretty busy too.
Her nursery is really pretty much finished.
The cot is up, Ive put 3 shelves up (all by myself) and her clothes are waiting for her in a matching chest of drawers.
I have also ordered some writing to go on the wall above her cot whcih I will be putitng up on Monday.
And P just phoned me to say her mattress has arrived!
The only thing missing is the changing unit that T is making for her that I think will be ready in a few weeks.
Once we have that I can put the last 3 shelves up and all we will need is Squirt herself!

I find myself going in there for no reaosn other than to stand and stare at everything!
It makes me feel closer to her.
Which sounds ridiculous as I cant really get much closer to her as I am right now, I am carrying her after all!

A sneak peek at all my hard work (both the nursery and all this growing that is going on!)

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