Im a Mummy!!!

Isla Rose Slater is finally here!

She was born on 12th May, like I kind of always knew she would be!

It comforts me that she was born on my Grandmas birthday. I like to think it means that she was sitting up there keeping an eye over Isla for those 9 months and helping to keep her safe for me.

I cannot quite believe Isla is one month and one day old already!
She has kept us so busy that this is the first chance Ive had to write anything in here!

I just read through my last post, the one I wrote 6 days before she was born, before my life changed forever!
I was right about one thing in that post.
That looking back now, now that I know what labour is really like it is laughable that I wouldnt know I was in labour!
It hurt!
Alot!

But I did come close to not knowing if I wa in real labour or not.
If it wasnt for Paul I wouldve stayed at home alot longer.
Although I knew I was in labour I thought it would take hours and hours for me to dilate enough to be allowed into the delivery room.
But I was wrong about that!

Being a mummy is the most surreal, scary and brillaint thing in the world!
The first two weeks were so overwhelming, I felt so out of my depth and like I was doing everything wrong.

I still feel lost and unsure but Isla and I are getting to know each other and slowly I am feeling more confident that I know what is best for her.
After all she is my daughter!
I love her so so much, and when she smiles at me I love her even more and my heart just melts!

Right now she is sleeping and I really should be too!
I dont get much chance for sleep these days!

Within touching distance!

I kind of knew Id be here, still waiting at one day past my due date.
I dont really mind, at least Squirt is happy and content in my belly.

But it makes it very hard to be excited about her arrival, when it could still be as far as 11 days away, or as close as this evening!
Its such an odd feeling, knowing she has to come out sometime soon but having absolutely no idea when it will be!

My gut feeling says between tomorrow (the 7th) and next saturday (the 12th) would be a pretty good bet.
But I dont know if even that is just down to wishful thinking!
I am glad that I do at least have something concrete to count down to, being induced.

But even that is not so much set in stone as set in sand!
The plan would be to induce me at 12 days past my due date, so on the 17th May.
But that  all depends on how busy the hospital is.
Realistically even my induction could get pushed back to 14 days past my due date!

But I dont want to be counting down to an induction!
I want Squirt to come out when she is ready, not when we decide we are ready for her!
I hope its sooner rather than later but even if I have to wait until the day before my induction (whenever that ends up being) I will be happier to go into labour on my own and on her terms!

I have been thinking about what labour will be like alot recently.
I guess thats not really surprising seeing as I am now past my due date and its all very real now!

I had a couple of quite painful braxton hicks the other evening and I was excited and a little bit apprehensive at the same time!
Excited because I thought Squirt might have been on her way.
Apprehensive because they were only the first and if they hurt what the hell was real hard labour going to feel like!
But they werent that painful, just enough for me to wonder if they meant the start of labour or not.
So I am still mostly feeling quite positive about the whole thing.

I actually worry more about whether it will take me ages to realise Im in labour than how much it will hurt!
I can see myself writing an entry laughing at my naiviety once Squirt is here and Ive been through it all!

Aswell as the pain, it goes without saying that as excited I am to meet Squirt I have a few very small worries.

I think its mostly down to just how surreal this all is for me.

I am pregnant (yes that still hits me as a surprise!)
I have carried Squirt safely for 9 months.
I am past my due date and she could be, and more to the point is meant to be, born anyday now.

I really truely am about to become a mummy!
And thats where the small worry starts to creep in.

Is this really happening?
The one thing that I have dreamed of and longed for, for so long is about to come true.
And it just feels like its too good to be true.
But not in a way that makes me sure something will go wrong. There is no sense of dread.
I still have that positive feeling I have had since the beginning with Squirt.

I think its more a protective mechanism.
Up until last August when Squirt came into our lives, me and P had gotten so used to pregnancy being a sad, heartbreaking, soul destroying journey.
And when thats all you ever know you have to pinch yourself extra hard when you dreams really are about to come true.

We have been waiting for our little girl for so long.
So much longer than 9 months like any pregnant lady who hasnt suffered a loss, or multiple losses.
We have been waiting since before Pup and Lumpy were taken away.
We have been waiting since I stopped taking the pill, 23 long months ago.

Squirt is already so so loved.
She is so precious to us, our little rainbow, our little miracle.

I guess its no surprise that everything seems so overwhelming right now.

And another thing that is overwhelming is the size of me! My belly just keeps on growing.
I had forgotten how small I used to be until I looked back!

39 weeks today!

I have been really busy since I last posted, nesting is a powerful thing!
I finished work a week and a half ago and straight away made a start on painting the lounge.
I dont know what it was but it just had to be done, I couldnt leave it.
Somehow I felt that if Squirt arrived before the lounge was done it would be a huge disaster!

Well disaster averted because today E came round and did the wall papering for me.
I had painted the other 3 walls but I have no clue how to wall paper!
It looks lovely and Im so pleased it is now all finished!

I also hung up the 'Sweet Dreams' bunting in Squirts Nursery the other day.
It looks so pretty and I am really happy with it!

P and T also spent the whole day sorting out our en suite.
They got the shower screen fitted, finally!
And plan to do the flooring tomorrow.
I almost dare to hope that I will actually be able to have a shower next week!

So all this has been going on and what has Squirt been up to?
Not alot really!
She is still incredibly comfortable in there.
Too comfortable for her own good!

Aside from increasingly noticeable BHs I havent really had any sign that she is planning on leaving my belly anytime soon!
Obviously I want her to come when she is ready, but at the same time I would like some indication of how much longer I have to wait to meet her.
It already feels like I have been waiting forever because of Lumpy and Pup and I could be waiting up tp 19 more days if she makes me go to be induced!

But having said that she is more than worth the wait.
I have been waiting for her since the first time I found out I was pregnant.
That now seems a lifetime away.
So those 19 more days pale into insignificance when I think how I could still be waiting to even get pregnant.

I am so lucky to have my precious baby girl kicking and rolling around in my belly.
I am so lucky to have the chance to be a mummy.
I am so lucky to have to wait as long as my little girl decides is neccessary for her to be ready to meet me!
After all she is the most important little person in the whole world, so its only fair that she gets to decide on when we meet.

So near.....Yet so far!

Full Term: 37 weeks!

It feels like we have reached a huge milestone.
Although for the last few weeks Squirt would probably have been absolutely fine if she had arrived early she is now officially considered ready for life outside of me!

As much as I am counting the days until P and I get to meet her I also find it a very strange thought to not be carrying her around in my belly anymore.
For all these weeks I have had her completely to myself.
I can feel her kick and roll every single time she moves.
I feel her tiny hiccups.
Other people can only feel it when they touch my belly.

The thought of someone else holding her and me not knowing what she is doing seems so strange and odd to me.
I guess its something that takes time to get used to.
I hope Im not going to be a clingy Mum!

Another thing I think I will find it hard to adjust to is not having my huge belly anymore!
As uncomfortable and achey as I am I spent so long wishing for a baby belly that I completely love mine!

I loved watching it grow over the weeks, from a tiny bulge to a proper round baby belly.
I love rubbing my belly and knowing that Squirt can feel me touching her.
I love looking pregnant!

I said to P the other day that I will probably start freaking out once she is born that I am not feeling her move, forgetting that she is no longer inside me!

But with all these things that I have gotten used to that I will miss I will get the greatest gift in exchange.
I will get to finally meet my precious rainbow baby girl and I just cannot wait!

The great unknown!

36 weeks.

I cannot believe I am possibly less than a month away from coming face to face with my beautiful Squirt!
Whenever I allow myself to think too much about that I get so overwhelmed with excitement that I can hardly think straight!

The one thing I have wanted more than anything else in this world for 2 whole years is finally going to happen!
I will get to hold her in my arms. Hug her. Kiss her. See her face.

And then I start to worry.
Not because I think Im not allowed to be happy.
But because I want her to be here safe and sound and she is so important to me that I just worry.

There was a time when I never thought I would be here.
I never even thought Id see a a baby with a heart beat on an ultrasound. But I did.
I never thought I grow a baby belly, but I have
I never thought Id feel my baby move, but I do, all the time!
And I definately never thought I would be less than a month away from my due date with my precious rainbow.

I was talking to P just now and said to him that it still all seems so surreal.
And I think its because we have no idea when she will choose to arrive.
It could be tomorrow.
It could be in six weeks time.
Or it could be anytime in between.

So I stop myself from getting too excited as it could still be a while away.

And although I am so desperate for her to be here, partly because Im getting uncomfortalbe, but mostly because I am just so looking forward to meeting here, I only want her to come when she is ready.
I dont want her to suffer for my impatience.

I have started drinking my raspberry leaf tea today as technically she would be fine if she was born now.
And because I dont believe it actually brings on labour if your body isnt ready, it just might help labour be shorter.
Which if you ask me cant be a bad thing!

And so all P and I can do is wait.
Wait for Squirt to decide when she wants to arrive!

Sitting, wishing, waiting........

We are so close now, me and Squirt, that I feel I can almost reach out and touch it.

So close, yet so far.

In some odd way the closer we get to the 5th May, the more unreal and unimaginable it seems.
My baby girl is due in six weeks and four days.
I never thought we would make it this far after we lost Pup.
Two angels who grew wings within four months of each other made it seem a near impossiblity.

To dare to dream that I would ever see a baby on a scan, with a heartbeat, seemed too much.
To long for that baby bump that Id never had, made my heart ache with pain.
To dare to hope that one day I might feel my baby move inside of me, well that just seemed foolish.
And then to dare to imgaine that one day I might give birth to my very own baby, well it just seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

I am well aware that we are not there yet.
But the funny thing is that ever since I got pregnant with Squirt I didnt have those doubts.
I still worried about her, but it was like I knew.

In the same way that somehow I knew (and I still dont know how) that something was wrong with Lumpy before that first scan.
In the same way I felt sick with worry the whole time I was pregnant with Pup.
This time I have felt so positive and happy about Squirt.

She is the one, my rainbow, my hope after the storm.
From the moment I first saw her on a scan.
That tiny little turtle shaped blob with a strong heartbeat.
I felt that love and I also felt pure joy and happiness.

I was having a baby, I was going to get to experience everything I had longed for!

Now call me paranoid but even with all this optimisum I still dont want to tempt fate.
I still dont want to assume that she will arrive into this world and everything will be perfect.
There are little things I do, to avoid jinxing things.

I havent written her due date on the calendar, or in my diary.
Its not like I need to be reminded of when it is!
Its like an insurance against getting too confident.

While I cant believe how close we are to finally meeting and being able to hold her in my arms I just want to make sure she really is here before I celebrate too much!

Part of the reason I have had so much time to think about things is that I now have absolutely nothing left to do in her nursery.
The changing unit is filled with pretty white and pink baskets, which in turn are filled with nappies, wipes, towels and other baby things!
The carrycot has its new mattress and Ive washed all her brand new clothes.
Ive even packed up her hospital bag and made a start on my bag.

So now we wait................

Feathering the nest

Its been a while....again!

I was sure I wrote on here last week but obviously I didnt.
Nor the week before.

Me and Squirt are now into single figures of how much time we have left as one person.
I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that soon she will be her own person, separate of me, outside of me.
It seems like we will never be apart and I guess thats why the bond between a Mother and her child is so strong.

We share so much together in these 9 months that nothing can ever come close to that.

I have been noticing her getting hiccups alot more these past few weeks.
I guess its because she is slowly getitng bigger that before I wasnt always noticing them.
I find it really cute, and also wonder if they annoy her as much as they annoy someone who is more aware of them.
Sometimes I think they must do because I feel her hiccup a few times and then she starts thrashing around as if she is trying to make them stop!

I saw the midwife again last week and she checked to see if Squirt was still transverse.
And she is not!
She is now head down, albeit in her own way.
She had her head pointing towards my right hip with her body wrapped around my belly button and her feet on my left.
Although that was almost a week ago now and I think she may be more 'head down, feet up' now as Ive felt a few kicks higher up and her hiccups were definately more central today.

Hearing that she is getting into position makes me so excited.
It makes her arrival seem so much more real and iminent!

I have made alot of progress with her nursery, there is now hardly anything left to do (aside from finding room for all the cute things I have ordered that I am waiting to be delivered!)
T and E brought her changing unit round at the weekend so today I put the last 3 shelves up- with a little help from P this time because it became abit tricky and I got all upset that her beautiful walls were ruined!

A few weeks ago I put up the writing and winnie the pooh stickers, which look so pretty.
Today I also cleaned her carrycot all ready for when the mattress for it arrives.

I just need (well want!) to buy some baskets for her changing unit and then I will really be 100% completely ready for her to arrive.

But at the same time I feel so unprepared.
It doesnt make any sense.
I want her here so so much.
I am so excited to finally meet her, to see her little face and know what she looks like.
To hold her in my arms is going to be the most amazing experience.

Yet I feel like she cant come yet because the house isnt perfect.
There is still so much to do in the rest of the house.
And it doesnt make any sense.
Because she is a baby.
She wont care if the lounge is painted a pretty colour or not, or if we have pictures on the wall.
But it still unsettles me.

I guess thats  why they call it nesting.
Its not just her nursery, its the whole house that my pregnant brain wants to 'make ready' for her arrival.

Well at least it will keep me occupied I suppose!

I need to take more pictures of the nursery as this is a few weeks old but here is another look at the progress of the house and me!