Mixed Emotions

22 weeks today!

Squirt is moving a lot more and I am loving feeling her!
She is definately a little madam already as the minute anyone other than Paul tries to feel her she immeadiately stops kicking!

My Mum has finally managed to feel a really small kick but nothing like the strength of Squirts normal activities!
And last night we had friends over to see our new house.
For around 2 hours before they arrived Squirt was kicking non stop.
Then when they both tried to feel her she suddenly disappeared.
She did kick one of them but seemed to enjoy teasing the other one.
I have told her she had better be on her best behavious next time we have visitors!

It was so cool to have people touching my belly to feel Squirt.
They asked me if I minded, which I dont at all!
It is what I have dreamed of for so long, to have a baby belly and feel my baby move.
So having that dream become a reality it the most amazing expereince I have ever had!

Squirt is definately doing some serious growing.
I had to take my belly piercing out 2 days ago as it was starting to get sore where it was stretching and was also catching on all my clothes and getting very annoying!
When I took it out I noticed my belly button has got alot shallower, it is almost flat now!
It wasnt exactly deep to begin with but now its hardly in at all!

The scales have upset me this morning.
I gained 3 lbs in one week!
I know it has been Christmas week but even so!
Although aside from my belly getting bigger I cant see where that weight has gone so maybe it all fluid? (thats what Im telling myself anyway!)

Just 2 days ago I had a horrible and sad reminder of the other side of pregnancy.
The only side I knew for most of last year, until Squirt came along.

A girl I work with lost her baby at 20 weeks about 18 months ago.
Well about 6 weeks ago she told me she was pregnant again.
Obviously she was terrified but happy and so I was pleased for her, and hoped so hard that this little one would make it for her.

Well about 3 weeks ago I saw her sitting in her car, in tears after an early scan.
Her baby was about 2 weeks behind where it shouldve been. It all felt too familiar, too heartbreaking.
But her baby had once difference to my two precious angels.
It had a heartbeat.
So she had hope that her dates were just off and everything would be fine with her little one.

Two days ago was her follow up scan, to check baby was growing and was ok.
I went to text her after I knew she wouldve had the scan but I already had a messgae from her.
The minute I read the first line my heart sank and I felt sick.

Not again, its just not fair.
The same thing that happened to me had happened to her.
Her baby hadnt grown, it no longer had a heartbeat.
I felt like bursting into tears.
Partly because I felt so sad for her, but also because it brought back all that pain of losing Lumpy and then Pup.
That desperately lonely 'why me' feeling.
The hating everyone around you who is pregnant.
The worrying you might never be a Mummy.

And then another emotion hit me. Guilt.
I suddenly realised I am now one of those women who I hated when I lost my angels.
I am pregnant and happy.
Although I wouldnt say we are close friends we do talk about her daughter she lost and my two angels, and we had been talking alot about her new pregnancy.
Now I dont know what to say.

Well thats not strictly true.
I know what to say, but will she want to hear it from me?
Will she be able to stand there and look at me and my bump and not want to scratch my eyes out with jealousy and hatred.
Because that is how terrible I felt about others who were pregnant when I no longer was.
It is the hardest thing to see, a bump, a happy pregnant women.
And I am going to have to make her see it everyday she comes to work.

I am sending her a card because that helped me.
And it means she doesnt have to see me straight away.

But when I think about it, In a way I dont think it is me that she will struggle with.
She knows about my angels.
I was due a long way ahead of her.
But another girl we work with found out about being pregnant just after her, and it wasnt planned.
I think she will find that the hardest. Well if she is anything like me she will anyway.

Pregnancies closest to mine hit the hardest.
Ladies who were pregnant before I had been, or had suffered a previous loss didnt give me that same stomach wrenching pain.
I know its irrational but its grief.
Grief by its very nature is irrational and selfish.
It is the only way to survive.

And with all these thoughts I stumbled across the realisation that in under 3 weeks time I shouldve been giving birth to my second angel, Pup.
Somewhere between losing Pup and getting pregnant with Squirt I had stopped counting my non existant weeks of pregnancy.
At first I thought it meant I didnt care.
But then I realised it was enabling me to live again.
I hadnt forgotten Pup, I had just stopped torturing myself once a week.

It still hurts that Im not about to give birth.
But in a different way.
Because now I have Squirt.
I have my precious baby girl growing inside me, and kicking, and rolling.
And although it sounds strange I cant see how it couldve happened any other way now.

Its not that I am glad I lost my angels because I am far from that.
But Being pregnant with Squirt feels so right and makes me so happy that I cant see how I ever would have been pregnant with any other baby.
She is my baby girl, my daughter, my rainbow.
She is my hope after despair.
She is made all the more sweeter by me having two angels before her.
I love her so so much already.

'I Love You's' not enough....... Im lost for words

I am officially halfway!

But that really is the least exciting news of the week.
We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday.

And I was wrong!
Our precious baby Squirt is a beautiful little GIRL!!!!!

I could not believe it when the ultrasound tech said she was a girl.
I sat up and said, 'Are you sure?'
She showed me the 3 little lines very clearly (Squirt had her legs wide open, the only time in her life me and P will be happy for her to do so!)

I am slowly getitng used to calling Squirt she, it kinda seems to fit now.
I am absolutely thrilled that she is a girl, just as I wouldve been thrilled if she was a boy.
It was just a huge shock!

Now I am more glad than ever that we decided to find out if she was pink or blue.
I dont know if I wouldve felt as able to bond with her as quickly in May if I had spent the next 20 weeks still thinking she was a boy and then got handed a girl!

It was the best surprise and already I feel like I am closer to her and am getting to know her!

And like a proper little madam she decided to scare me and P half to death before she is even born!
The ultrasound tech was able to check everything except one tiny little detail, her heart!
She woud not lie the right way no matter how I laid.

So we were sent away for 20 minutes to go eat something and go for a walk.
When we came back the ultrasound tech had a better view and took a long time looking at Squirts heart.
She then said she just wanted to get someone elses opinion at which point I began to panic uncontrollably.

Something was wrong with my baby girl.
I immeadiately flashed back to the last time I had a second opinion in that ultrasound room.
The day we learned for sure that Lumpy had passed away.

All sorts of terrible things that could be wrong with her heart were racing through my mind at this point and I was terrified at what they were going to say.

After what seemed like the longest time the second lady finished looking at Squirt and they both came back into the room.

Thankfully it turns out all is well.
Squirt is perfect and normal.

Apparently at first when Squirt was lying at the funny angle it was hard to make sure her heart was in the right position in her chest.
Once she moved it all looked normal but it had put a doubt in the first ultrasound techs mind and she wanted to make sure she hadnt missed anything.

I am grateful they were so thorough and made 100% sure my baby girl is fine but it scared the life out of me for that time we were wonderng what was going on.

Squirt spent most of yesterday kicking me, I think she is glad I am finally calling her by the right sex and is letting me know about my mistake!!!

I am so in love with my beautiful baby girl!!!!

2 More Sleeps

In 46 hours time I will be going into the ultrasound room to see Squirt!

I am beyond excited.
I feel like a little kid right before Christmas!

In fact I dont care at all about the fact that it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas day.
Mine and Ps Christmas day is in 2 days time!

I am 19+2 today and while I have been sat here at work on the computer Squirt has been kicking away happily to himself.
I love feeling him, it never fails to feel new and magical even though it is far from the frist time Ive felt him.

And as I was typing that he just gave me a little 'Hello Mum' kick!
He kicked me to say good morning once Id got up today aswell.
And again while I was texting P to tell him that Squirt had been good this morning and not made me sick!

While we are on the subject of sickness, its still here!
While I may not have been sick this morning, I was yesterday morning, again before I had a chance to eat anything.
And because me and P had made pancakes the night before with the last of our milk I had to venture to the shops to get some food for my breakfast after I was sick.
That nearly ended in disaster as on the way home from the shops I started to feel really really nauseous and thought I was gonna throw up in the street!
So thats the last time I leave nothing in the house for breakfast, I did not enjoy my early morning adventure!

As well as the sicknesss still loitering around I have noticed heartburn these last few evenings.
Its not unbearable but its not very pleasant either!
I thought I had escaped the whole heartburn thing but clearly Squrt was just lulling me into a false sense of security!

We also have less a week until we move into out new house.
I find it odd to think Squirt will never know The Hatch.
He will never see our first house as a married couple.
The house he was concieved in, and was dreamt about for so long.

But I am also glad.
Because he will grow up with more room, with his own bathroom which is just funny!

Maybe for that reason I should be imagining him as a girl, a personal bathroom is wasted on a boy!

Another first

Less than a week until Squirts scan now.

I am so looking forward to it and seeing my baby again!

I feel him kicking everyday and so he is obviously getting big and strong but it will be so amazing to see him on the screen, bigger, more grown up than when we last saw him!

I of course still have a few little worries.
Will his heart look ok?
Will his lungs look ok?
Will all his other systems be functioning as they should?

Im sure they will be, but until they are checked I guess we never know for sure.
And lastly the biggest but also the least important question, is he pink or blue.
Because really it doesnt matter.
I feel so strongly that he is a boy but all I really care about is, is everything ok?
Is he normal, is he healthy?

But at the sametime I am so excited to find out.
To know if Im right.
If he really is a little boy or if he is actually a little girl!!

P got to feel one of his kicks on friday (I was 18+4)
Squirt had kicked me fairly hard so I put Ps hand on my belly right where Id felt Squirt and told him to wait.
A few seconds later his face lit up and he was aying 'I felt something then!'
And he was right, Squirt had just kicked his hand and he lokoed so happy!

He then spent the next few minutes talking to Squirt through my belly button, trying to get him to do it again, which he refused to do!

Feels like Love

I am 17 + 2 today and getting ever closer to seeing Squirt again!! (2 weeks and 3 days incase you were wondering!)

I already said Id felt Squirt move a few weeks ago, and was wondering how long it would take until I felt him kick.
I didnt have long to wait!
Last Friday, when I was 16 + 4 I was lying in bed not feeling very much like I would sleep when I felt it!
There was no mistaking it even though obviously I have never felt my baby kick me before!
I knew instantly it was Squirt.
It felt like a far away thud but with the delicacy of a bubble popping (I stole part of that description from someone else but it perfectly describes how it feels!)
I have felt him kick every day since then, some times more obvious than others.
Everytime I feel it I smile, my precious baby is getting big and strong enough to connect with me, I find it amazing!

Apparently by this stage he can hear us aswell, although Im sure we sound very odd and muffled to him!
I wonder how long it will be before he reacts and kicks when we talk to him.

Looking at my belly photo form this week and judging by some comments I have got I do look pregnant in most of my clothes but I still dont feel like I do.
I feel chubby and feel lilke I just look chubby and not at all pregnant!
I guess it depends what Im wearing but hopefully soon it will be obvious that my expanding belly is thanks to Squirt and not because I am festively plump!

And so much for my morning sickness being gone!
I have been sick 3 times in the last 5 mornings and only wasnt sick this morning because I forced down a biscuit just in time!
I hope it is not going to stick around too much longer because it is not a fun way to start the day!
But thankfully I am actually liking food again during the day so I have that to be happy about!

I have done quite abit of packing in the last week, I suppose I dont have much time left to get it all done really. Most of the small bits and pieces downstairs are packed away now, except for things form the kitchen but there is still lots to do.
I am just glad that I have most of my energy back or it would be a complete nightmare!

Changes

16 weeks today!
Wow.

I am getting really bad at updating this.
I promised myself I would write on here or in my diary at least once a week so I would have something to look back on once Squirt was here.

Well I am just as bad at keeping my diary up to date.
The one thing I have been good at doing is taking weekly pictures of my bump and weighing myself. ( I am strill 2 lbs down on my prepregnancy weight!)

But I have an excuse.
We have been very busy with sorting out moving house.
Contracts are exchanged and we are set to move on 19th December.
It doesnt really bother me that it is very close to Christmas, I just want to get into our new house and get settled.
But it will mean I will be kept busy right up to Squirts 20 week scan so Im hoping that makes time fly!
(Its is currently 3 weeks and 4 days away, not that Im counting or anything!)

Aswell as changes to our home I am noticing lots of changes in me.
I seem to have popped, finally!
I have had a small bulge for around 6-8 weeks now but this morning when I took my picture, I actually have a proper bump. A tiny one but a proper one!
And aswell as this my boobs are still growing, which I am more than pleased about now they have stopped constantly hurting!

But more exciting than my boobs being bigger is feeling Squirt move!!
I thought I had felt him a while ago but I dont think that was him.
However around 3 weeks ago I woke up and felt a sensation of a bubble popping just under my skin!
I just knew it was Squirt!
Since then I feel him on and off, some days more than others.
It is great feeling those little flutters but I am still very excited to feel his strong little kicks. Who knows how soon that will be.

My morning sickness is almost gone.
I was excited yesterday morning because Ihadnt been sick in a week,
Then I went and ate too much yesterday and was sick in the middle of the night!
So it remains to be seen if it is really gone or not.

Having our doppler is really helping me get to our ultrasound without going crazy.
Even with feeling Squirt move there is no substitute for hearing that little heart beating away.
Always so fast, always so strong.
It sounds almost busy, like it has so much to do and so little time!
But even the doppler isnt without worry.

A few days ago we thought we heard Squirts heart slow a little so obviously I worried instantly!
But then I realised it was actually the cord and not his heart and he had just kicked it away.
Then the same thing happened today and we realised that actually it probably wasnt even the cord, but my heartbeat getting mixed up with his, which makes sense because it slows to the exact same rate as mine!
We think it is my blood vessel that supplies the uterus, it definately is not Squirt anyway!
I hate how easily I can get worried about Squirt, but was so relieved to reaslise he is ok and his little heart is as strong as ever!

And now the first outward sign I have of Squirts exastance, my bump!

Love at first sight

I dont know why but I started to get a little nervous the day before Squirts scan.
P wasnt helping, he went all quiet and I could tell he was scared.
He admitted it but said it was because of the memories of that scan room more than anything.

Why were we both scared?
We had heard Squirts hb that very day, he was alive, and kicking, from the sounds of it!
But there was still those tiny flutters of nerves.

At the sametime I still knew Squirt would be ok but I couldnt make the nerves vanish completely, it was strange.

The minute that ultrasound probe was pressed against my stomach and I saw Ps face light up and him say wow I relaxed!
Of course Squirt had grown, of course he was ok!
I guess somebody who is that precious to you, you will never take for granted.
They have to be seen to be believed.

Although I knew what a 12 week ultrasound looked like I couldnt believe that Squirt had grown that much in 4 weeks.
From a tiny little blob to a fully formed baby.
He has a perfect little button nose and gorgeous little lips.
The ultrsound tech even counted all his fingers and toes, I was blown away!

And we werent wrong.
He is so very active!
He spent the entire scan kicking me or trying to eat his hand!
He even waved at P but I missed that because the ultrasound tech hadnt turned the screen enough!

Now I know I am biased but Squirt is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen!
I am more in love with him than I thought was possible!