Too soon?

It only seems right that I should mention the physical side of things aswell as the emotional as the two are more connected than I sometimes realise.

I have had my first post d&c period which means technically me and P are ready to TTC again.
I even ovulated that first cycle after the d&c and early for me aswell, which in itself is a minor miracle. I Od on CD 20, a whole 8 days earlier than I ever have since I began charting last October.

So now I am faced with the thought that in a few weeks time I could be waiting to find out if I am pregnant again and I dont know how I feel about that.

I am excited to see that I Od early this past cycle, as I have been worrying that it is my late O that has caused me to lose both Lumpy and Pup.
I am hoping so so much that I O around the same time this cycle but I dont want to get my hopes up too high, then there is only further for them to fall.

At the same time as this hope, I am, for the first time, feeling a sense of dread about possibly being pregnant again.
I dont want to have that constant fear that I might lose my baby.
I dont want to have that constant worry that I might do something that might harm my baby.

This is new to me and it is so confusing.
I want to be pregnant, more than anything in the whole world.
But I want to be happily pregnant, not terrified pregnant.

Last time, after losing Lumpy, all I could think about was getting pregnant again asap.
I desperately wanted, even needed to be pregnant before Lumpys EDD.
Well now I know that doesnt matter.
I got pregnant before Lumpys EDD and then went and lost Pup too.

Now I have no milestones in my head.
Lumpys EDD is just over 6 weeks away.
I will not be pregnant by then.
And although that is not fine with me, it is the way it has to be, so I accept that.

So how do I go about TTC with all these thoughts going round in my head.
The sad fact is that right now I am happier being not pregnant than I would be being pregnant and that makes me sad.
And its not because being pregnant makes me miserable.
It is the complete opposite.
Being pregnant makes me feel more alive than ever. But with that joy and hope comes the possiblity of losing everything all over again.
And I just dont know how many times I can have my heart ripped apart before I actually cant carry on.

Maybe Im just not as strong as I make out.
But I must be strong, because not ttc again will not get me my longed for baby.

Life goes on.....

I should be almost 33 weeks pregnant today. I should be thinking about giving up work and rubbing my belly all the time. I should have had a baby shower and be eagerly awaiting meeeting my precious Lumpy.

Or failing that I should be almost 14 weeks pregnant, having just had my first proper scan and seen my baby Pup moving around for the very first time. I should be joyfully showing everyone my u/s photos and feeling so happy because of the baby growing in my tummy.

But no I am neither of those things. I am waiting for my period to come so me and P can begin TTC again. I am feeling empty inside. I am waking up at 0500 every morning to take my temperature.

And it makes me feel very sad. And makes life feel very unfair.
It seems as if the rest of the world is mocking me.
Yesterday alone I was constantly surrounded by pregnant women at work. First of all there was the patient whos grandaughter accompanied us to hospital, heavily pregnant.
Then there was the district nurse who turned up at our patients house, 6 months pregnant and moaning about the heat!
Then there was the sister who we handed our pateint over to at hospital who is 7 months pregnant.
It seems I cant get away from reminders of what Ive lost at the moment.

Even in my dreams I am haunted by images of pregnant people. I dreamt about a girl I work with, who is due 2 weeks after I should have due with Lumpy. She turned up in my dream, looking 7 months pregnant (as she is) and wanting to talk to me. I turned and walked away form her (as I probably would in real life) Ive not seen her since I lost Lumpy and at that time she didnt look pregnant.

But with all of these feelings I am surprising myself at how well I am doing, and how well P is doing.
We are trying to get on with life as best we can. Like the song by Bruce Springsteen goes
'If God gives you nothing but lemons, then you make some lemonade'

We are using the terrible hand we have been dealt to try and move on with our life in a way we wouldnt have been able to if I was still 7 months pregnant. We are going to try and move to a bigger family home.
I am well aware of the danger of moving to a family home with no family to put in it.
That is precisely the reason I refused to move house before we concieved Lumpy. I wanted a family to put in our family house.

But after spending time in the midset of 'Lifes not fair' and 'Why me' we have decided to try and put a positive spin on me not being pregnant.
If I was 7 months pregnant I would be about to give up full time work for a long long time. I had planned to keep my job but when I returned after Lumpy was born I was going to work part time.
That would mean we couldnt afford to get an increase on our mortgage to buy a family home.
So although we didnt really care, we just wanted a baby, we would have been stuck in our 2 bedroom house for a few more years.

Seeing as we cant have the baby we desperately want when we should be having him will we try and buy the family home we will hopefully eventually need. At least that is something we can control.
We have learnt that there is not much in life you can control, so the things that are within our control, we will make them the best they can be and hope that the things we cant control happen for us soon.

Seeing as life goes on, we may as well keep up with it!

What is Normal anyway

Obviously all I seem to be asked at the moment by friends and family is 'Are you OK?'

I am very tempted to answer it truthfully.

'My two Babies are now Angel Babies so actually I am not ok and I never will be, but thanks for asking, how are you?!'

But instead I just shrug and say 'Yeah Im OK'
I cant be bothered. I cant be bothered to take the time to explain that I will never be 'normal' again.

After Lumpy I found a new normal that was not really the old me, but would have to do.
Now after Pup I have found another new normal. The funny thing is that I think I am probably closer to my old self than after Lumpy.

And its not because I care less that Pup is gone. Its because sadly I have been here before. I know that I wont get back to 'normal' and instead of endlessly searching for it, Im sticking right where I am, and finding things to do that make me happy and make me smile. And that is how Ive found a little bit of my old normal. Not a lot of it but abit.

I played football yesterday and had a really good day with my team. I laughed and messed around. I felt that great feeling when you are playing well and you score and everything is great.
And thats when the old normal ended and the new normal began. Because then I had to think about whether I would sign up for the season coming up. So immeadiately I started thinking about how much of the season I would be able to play if I got pregnant in the next few months.

So although I may be finding some of my old normal I am still living with a new normal. But thats ok.
Who wants to be normal anyway! Normal is uninteresting isnt it.

Actually me, Id like to be normal. Just for a bit.
Id like to be like a normal person who gets pregnant and then 9 months later gives birth to a beautiful healthy baby.
Id like to be a normal person who hasnt lost 2 pieces of their heart to their angels.
Id like to be an normal person who doesnt know how fragile life is.
Id like to be a normal person who gets called Mummy.

It seems like maybe part of my life is getting back to what I call normal though.
Since my d&c I have been charting, because I need to feel like I am doing something.
My temperatures have been abit more crazy than they were after the first d&c but still they came down.
Then 5 days ago it seems I ovulated, on CD 20. Which is pretty much unheard of for me. CD 28 is normal for me and it has been as late as CD 34. So what is my body up to?
The most logical explanation is that actually I havent ovulated at all and my temperatures are still all over the place from the d&c.
But maybe, just maybe the changes that can happen to your cycle from being pregnant have for once worked in my favour and made me, dare I say it, almost normal?

Its highly unlikely, but Ill take even a fraction of hope right now!

For my Angels

How Many Pieces

How many loving pieces,

Can one heart give away?

Until it’s too small and broken,

To beat day after day.

You see I have two Angels,

Each hold a piece of my heart,

I gave it to them willingly,

Right from the very start.

When my first Angel took a piece,

I gave it with no fear,

Certain I would get it back,

With his birth later that same year.

But my precious little angel,

Silently slipped away,

So I pledged he could hold my heart,

Forever and a day.

With my second little angel,

I knew the danger of raw pain,

That if I gave a piece away,

I may never see it again.

That didn’t stop me giving,

And giving with such love,

But now my angel hugs my heart,

As she looks down from above.

So as I sit here crying,

With an empty womb and empty arms,

And a heart too bruised and shattered,

To protect me from more harm.

I don’t regret the love I gave,

Or that my angels have my heart,

They earned it as they grew in my,

And they really left their mark.

The question that I ask myself,

And will ask it everyday,

Is do I have enough heart left

For when more angels come to stay?

Written for Lumpy and Pup

Mummy loves you and misses you all the time.

Night night and sweet dreams.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Who Am I?

Its nearly 2 weeks since Pup was taken away from me.
Most of the time I think that I might just be doing ok.
But Im not really. I think Ive told so many people Im ok that Im starting to believe it myself.

I am so far from ok.
I am lost, I am scared, I am alone, I am hurting, I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.
Most of all I am devastated.

I spend alot of time analysing how I am feeling at the moment.
And just today I realised something.
Not only do I desperately miss Lumpy and Pup, and I really really miss them even though I only knew them for a short time. But I also miss the old me.

So much about my life is different to before December, before I was pregnant.
Up until December I went running with Maisie about 4 times a week. I havent been running since April and even then it was only a token effort, not a proper run.
Up until December I couldnt wait to play my next football game and got frustrated if I had to work. Now I dont even know if I want to sign up next season.
Up until December I cycled to work more often than not. I have only cycled to work twice this year.

Those things may not seem very important to some people but to me they are everything.
Exercise was a massive part of my life and has made me who I am.
I will give it up in a heartbeat if I get pregnant again but that is the problem.
I have given it up for 6 months and Im still no closer to being a Mum.

I gave it up to be a Mum.
I was happy to trade running for walking around with a pushchair.
I was happy to trade football for playing with my baby.
I was happy to trade cycling to work for days in at home with my family.

But now I have nothing.
I have stopped doing everything I love because I want to be a Mum but I cant even have that.
So I am left feeling frustrated and lost.

But I am not bitter about having given up so much that is important to me.
I wanted to give it up.
What I am bitter about is having my chance at being a Mum ripped away from me.
I gave up things that might not be best for my baby and what did I get in return? Absolutely nothing.

Aswell as feeling like Ive lost a part of my identity with giving up exercise, what is really hurting me is losing an identity I never really got given.
Just for a few weeks each time, I was going to be a Mummy and P was going to be a Daddy.
But that has been snatched away from us. Nobody sees us as a Mummy or a Daddy.
The most important of identities, the one that I value so highly that I was willing to give up everything else is something I have no control over.
I cant work hard at it like I can with running or football.
Hard work wont make me more likely to be seen as a Mummy.
No matter what I do I cant 'train' at being a Mummy.
The role that lands in so many womens laps with little or no effort still eludes me.
The one thing that I wish I could 'try harder' at is something that is beyond me.

And while I say I miss the old me, I dont really.
I miss the old me in the sense that back then I was happy with what I had.
I miss enjoying going running and I miss that rush of adrenaline when platying football.
But I know that now I wont get those feelings when running or playing football.
I will still feel this emptiness inside me.
Now although I realise how lucky I am to have P and Maisie I want a family.

I can get back into running and go back to playing football with very little effort. I can pretty much pick up where I left off as Im still pretty active.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world I cant do that with.
When I get pregnant again it wont be with Lumpy or Pup, and I cant continue with where I lost either one of them.
I am forced to go back to the beginning.

And I dont know how many times I can cope with that.

Realisation

I went for my d&c today.
I hope I will never again be sitting in that surgical prep room waiting for that operation.
Once was too much, twice was just plain unfair, a third time just doesnt bear thinking about.

I feel different this time, not physically but emotionally.
Last time I felt desperately sad and lost.
This time I thought I was doing ok because I havent been crying all the time.
Its like I dont have the energy to feel anything, like I cant be bothered to feel the pain.

But just now I reaslised I am not doing ok.
I have lost that hope again. I have lost the reason for excitement and happiness.
I have nothing to look forward to.

And its not that I have a rubbish life.
I have two weddings to go to in the next month and a half.
I have plans to go away with P in September.
And thats when it hits me. That is why I have that horrible numbness and lack of feeling.

Because we are not going away in September for fun.
We are going away because neither of us can bear to be at work or even at home on Lumpys EDD.
I should still be pregnant, and not just 9 weeks pregnant, but 28 weeks pregnant.
I should be watching my ever growing bump and feeling Lumpy move.
I should be looking forward to giving birth to my beautiful baby.

But I am not.
I am recovering from another d&c because I lost another baby and I never even got over losing my first.
I am again trying to come to terms with my future without a baby in it.
I was jsut starting to live again after losing Lumpy when I got Pregnant again.
Maybe it was too soon, I dont know, but I needed to be pregnant again.
I needed to know that I would have a baby in my future soon.

I still have that need.
But I also have a fear.
A fear that next time will end just like this time, and the first time.
In tears and disbelieve.

I can no longer see any hope for happiness when I imagine being Pregnant.
All I can see is a positive pregnancy test follwed by a few weeks of worrying.
All I can see is a scan followed by weeks of pain and tears.
All I can see is a d&c followed by days of frustration at my slow recovery.
I feel like I am stuck forever in a cycle of trying to concieve, getting pregnant and having a missed miscarriage and I dont know how to break it.

I cant not try again, because that wont help me have a baby.

History repeating itself

So 2 days ago me and P braved the gut wrenching nerves and went for the early ultrasound.
The one that would tell us if I had suffered the same cruel missed miscarriage as last time, or if in fact I was actually still pregnant and Pup had a heartbeat.

I wish I could say it was different this time.
I wish I could be putting Pups heart rate down on this page and saying how she moved around and looked alive.
But I cant.
Because I cant change what has happened.

Pup died around 3 weeks ago.
In fact Pup may have never grown at all, we dont really know.
The radiographer told me I had a 8 week gestational sac and a yolk sac but nothing more. I was 8 weeks pregnant so we should have seen more.
It appears Pup is what the medical profession call a Blighted Ovum meaning we didnt even get to see a fetal pole this time.
Initally I thought this meant there had never been a baby at all, but after finding a very helpful book on recurrent miscarriages it appears the now accepted belief is that when no fetal pole is seen it is not because it didnt develop but because it has been reabsorbed by the body before it had a chance to be seen.

Whatever the medical reasoning behind it we have lost Pup just like we lost Lumpy and it hurts.
It hurts more than I thought it could after losing Lumpy, and in a strange way it feels different.
Not becaue I dont care. But because we have been here before and we know what will be happening.

We will go back to the hospital next Wednesday and have a rescan.
And they will tell us there is no change and that there is still no fetal pole.
Then I will have the d&c.
Then I will go home and try to feel better.
Then I will go back to work and feel depressed and hopeless and uninterested all over again.
Then we will start TTC again.

Looking at this all written down it sounds cruel and heartless as if Pup didnt matter to me.
That fact couldnt be further from the truth.
I have cried more tears in the last two days than I did in the first week of losing Lumpy.
Because last time I was numb, this time I am not.
There was no shock at the news, I was expecting it, because it had happened before.
There was no refusing to accept it.
There was just pain and grief and anger at the unfairness of it all.

Above all there is fear that this may happen again and Im not sure I could cope with that.
So instead of sinking into despair at the thought of it happening I have come up with all sorts of ideas of what me and P can do to try and save our as yet unconcieved baby.

We will visit my Gp and demand to be referred to a specialist.
If they wont agree to that we will ask them to do blood tests.
I will get the direct phone number of the hospital so I can arrange an early scan as soon as I know Im pregnant next time.
Because after our track record I have no doubt that I will get pregnant again, and probably quickly.
We have a 50% success rate- 2 pregnancies in 4 months of trying. It almost makes me feel like I deserved to lose my babies because I concieved them so easily. Which I know makes no sense but it doesnt stop me thinking it.

This is what has helped me to find a focus out of the fog of sadness and despair.
Its still there but I am not letting it consume me this time.