So for the past few days I havent really had anything to say, nothing new to do with how Im feeling about losing Lumpy anyway. So Ive not written anything.
The problem is not that Im not thinking about Lumpy or that Ive stopped being sad, because I havent. The problem is I still feel the ache of Lumpys loss just as strongly as I did but something else is occupying my thoughts almost as much as Lumpy is.
Me and P are TTC again and Im waiting to test. Two weeks. Its doesnt sound very long does it. Not when Pregnancy lasts for Forty weeks. Two weeks is nothing. At the same time it is an eternity.
My head is filled with crazy irrational thoughts that I cant ignore. What if I get a BFP, how will I know its a new Pregnancy? How will I ever feel happy about being pregnant again? What does this symptoms mean? It must mean Im Pregnant, or does it?!
All the time these thoughts are in my head they bring out an emotion I dont really like. Guilt.
I feel guilty for obsessing over whether I am Pregnant or not. Shouldnt I still be focused on Lumpy? Should I be this excited about the possiblity of being Pregnant again?
And I also worry. I worry that I shouldnt even be thinking about whether Im Pregnant or not because letting myself get caried away with thinking about maybe being Pregnant is only setting myself up for a fall. A fall I may struggle to get back up from.
So what do I do? I cannot stop myself from thinking about how I feel and the 'symptoms' I have, and there are alot of them! And I cant stop TTC. Me and P want a baby. So to have a baby we must TTC.
So I am stuck. In a place I dont like very much, unable to turn my brain off, unable to live like a normal person.
And what about Lumpy? How do I fit missing my baby in with wanting a baby.
I suppose its the same thing. We wanted Lumpy so so much that its only natural to still want a baby.
But I just feel so torn. I want Lumpy to be the name we are using for my belly, because I still want to be Pregnant. But Im not and there is nothing I can do about that.
I would be 17 weeks today. Maybe showing and getting closer to feeling Lumpy move.
I miss my little Lumpy.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Monday, 21 March 2011
I Hope You Can Hear Me
My precious longed for baby.
It has been exactly a month since I let you go.
One month. Twenty eight days.Six hundred and seventy two hours. A lifetime. An eternity.
Yet the blink of an eye.
I say let you go because you were already gone.
It is now thirty two days since we were told you were gone but even more than that since you left.
Why did you go? Why couldnt you stay?
I know you would have stayed if you could have, I bet you fought so hard. But you were too tiny to win.
Whatever it was that took you away was too strong for you, my little Lumpy.
I hope you're now somewhere safe where nothing can ever hurt you.
I hope you're happy and are not alone.
I know you're beautiful.
You have no idea how much I wish you were still here.
Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I think about you and miss you.
You have taken a piece of my heart away with you. Thats ok. Im not angry.
Just look after it for me because one day when I see you again you can mend my broken heart.
While you may be gone, I will always carry you with me.
I carry you in the silver locket that hangs around my neck.
I carry you in the tattoo on my skin.
Most importantly I carry you in my heart.
Goodnight my sleeping baby, sweet dreams.
Your Mummy loves you.
It has been exactly a month since I let you go.
One month. Twenty eight days.Six hundred and seventy two hours. A lifetime. An eternity.
Yet the blink of an eye.
I say let you go because you were already gone.
It is now thirty two days since we were told you were gone but even more than that since you left.
Why did you go? Why couldnt you stay?
I know you would have stayed if you could have, I bet you fought so hard. But you were too tiny to win.
Whatever it was that took you away was too strong for you, my little Lumpy.
I hope you're now somewhere safe where nothing can ever hurt you.
I hope you're happy and are not alone.
I know you're beautiful.
You have no idea how much I wish you were still here.
Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I think about you and miss you.
You have taken a piece of my heart away with you. Thats ok. Im not angry.
Just look after it for me because one day when I see you again you can mend my broken heart.
While you may be gone, I will always carry you with me.
I carry you in the silver locket that hangs around my neck.
I carry you in the tattoo on my skin.
Most importantly I carry you in my heart.
Goodnight my sleeping baby, sweet dreams.
Your Mummy loves you.
Friday, 18 March 2011
Crash and Burn
I found out today that part of my new found strength has been to do with being able tot TTC again.
Which makes me feel horribly guilty. Should I be 'moving on' this soon? Is TTC actually going to help if Im only feeling better because of the hope for a baby?
The reason I found out I was not doing so well? I thought I had just Od and we had timed TTC perfectly, so we at least had a chance this month, I had hope. I almost began to feel excited. Then I take my temperature this morning when I wake up and my new hopes and dreams are dashed just like my hopes and dreams for Lumpy. Obviously Im not saying that the disappointment at not having Od can be in any way compared to losing our baby. There is disappointment then there is gut wrenching pain and heart break.
It just made getting pregnant again seem so far away and unobtainable. Something that I am not allowed to think about yet, let alone get anywhere close to. I felt like the fact that I had dared to hope again was the reason I hadnt Od. I was being punished for looking to the future when I should know better. I should know that plans cannot be made without them being ruined. Hopes cannot be raised without them being shattered.
I dont know where to go from here. Would it be better if I ignored all the signs and stopped taking my temperature. Relied on pure luck, becasue that is all we would have. I dont have a regular cycle so we cant just count the days of my cycle and know Im Oing. Anyhow the insight charting gives is something I am not willing to just let go off. My chart from when I got pregnant with Lumpy stopped us being completely in the dark during those 9 days of limbo while we waited for our second scan, Knowing when youve Od is useful and needed for someone with irregular cycles.
So I will continue on this path of TTC. Although it is painful and hard, it is worth it. If I get to hold my baby in my arms it will be worth it. I wasnt prepared for the ups and downs of my emotions. I suppose I shouldve been. I should have expected that every tiny set back would feel like a punch in the stomach and a knife through my heart. If this is how Im feeling when I havent yet had the chance to get pregnant again I can only imagine how confused and scared I am going to feel while waiting for the chance to take that first pregnancy test. But I welcome those feelings. I will only feel that way when I may be pregnant, when I have a chance. So I am willing to do that to myself. For a baby. I will do anything.
P was saying to me yesterday that he doesnt know how he will get through those first 12 weeks waiting for a scan. When last time I had no sign anything was wrong until we went to the scan and our lifes were changed forever. So I said to him that we will get through that time because aswell as being terrifying it will be a happy time because to be facing those fears I will have to be pregnant again. And that can only be a good thing!
After my terrible start to my day I did once again manage to pick myself. That in itself is again a sign that I am making progree. I am strong. I just need to remember that. I took Maisie on a run again. In the rain. She was not pleased. Running is an issue with me in that I start off resenting the fact that Im able to run (the whole not being Pregnant thing) but soon I start to get into it and find it is helping.
I listen to my ipod as I run, I find it helps to stop me thinking too much, silence is not good for me these days. Now I have some old songs on my ipod, ones that take me back to when I was a teenager and it was one of these that came on at the beginning of my run which nearly reduced me to tears. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. It seems my ipod knows exactly what mood Im in and manages to pick songs that reflect my frame of mind. So the lyrics that really got me were
'When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face the day, If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash just crash and burn your not alone'
What could have sumed up how I was feeling at that particualr point in time better than that. I felt like my hopes and dreams were gone, not only because Lumpy is gone forever, but because I hadnt Od and the chance to get pregnant again was also gone. I did however manage to keep going, to be honest I didnt have a great deal of choice in the matter. It was pouring with rain, freezing cold and I was in the country park. I didnt fancy collapsing on the ground right where I was. So I made myself carry on and by the time I got home was feeling alot better.
At this rate I am going to be the healthiest person in the world, if everytime I feel Im about to break down and lose it I go running! Its not even that I wake up feeling like I want to cry. I feel that horrible numb, apathy. That scares me more than feeling like I want to cry. With crying I can let the pain out. How do you let out numbness? Maybe you cant.
Which makes me feel horribly guilty. Should I be 'moving on' this soon? Is TTC actually going to help if Im only feeling better because of the hope for a baby?
The reason I found out I was not doing so well? I thought I had just Od and we had timed TTC perfectly, so we at least had a chance this month, I had hope. I almost began to feel excited. Then I take my temperature this morning when I wake up and my new hopes and dreams are dashed just like my hopes and dreams for Lumpy. Obviously Im not saying that the disappointment at not having Od can be in any way compared to losing our baby. There is disappointment then there is gut wrenching pain and heart break.
It just made getting pregnant again seem so far away and unobtainable. Something that I am not allowed to think about yet, let alone get anywhere close to. I felt like the fact that I had dared to hope again was the reason I hadnt Od. I was being punished for looking to the future when I should know better. I should know that plans cannot be made without them being ruined. Hopes cannot be raised without them being shattered.
I dont know where to go from here. Would it be better if I ignored all the signs and stopped taking my temperature. Relied on pure luck, becasue that is all we would have. I dont have a regular cycle so we cant just count the days of my cycle and know Im Oing. Anyhow the insight charting gives is something I am not willing to just let go off. My chart from when I got pregnant with Lumpy stopped us being completely in the dark during those 9 days of limbo while we waited for our second scan, Knowing when youve Od is useful and needed for someone with irregular cycles.
So I will continue on this path of TTC. Although it is painful and hard, it is worth it. If I get to hold my baby in my arms it will be worth it. I wasnt prepared for the ups and downs of my emotions. I suppose I shouldve been. I should have expected that every tiny set back would feel like a punch in the stomach and a knife through my heart. If this is how Im feeling when I havent yet had the chance to get pregnant again I can only imagine how confused and scared I am going to feel while waiting for the chance to take that first pregnancy test. But I welcome those feelings. I will only feel that way when I may be pregnant, when I have a chance. So I am willing to do that to myself. For a baby. I will do anything.
P was saying to me yesterday that he doesnt know how he will get through those first 12 weeks waiting for a scan. When last time I had no sign anything was wrong until we went to the scan and our lifes were changed forever. So I said to him that we will get through that time because aswell as being terrifying it will be a happy time because to be facing those fears I will have to be pregnant again. And that can only be a good thing!
After my terrible start to my day I did once again manage to pick myself. That in itself is again a sign that I am making progree. I am strong. I just need to remember that. I took Maisie on a run again. In the rain. She was not pleased. Running is an issue with me in that I start off resenting the fact that Im able to run (the whole not being Pregnant thing) but soon I start to get into it and find it is helping.
I listen to my ipod as I run, I find it helps to stop me thinking too much, silence is not good for me these days. Now I have some old songs on my ipod, ones that take me back to when I was a teenager and it was one of these that came on at the beginning of my run which nearly reduced me to tears. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden. It seems my ipod knows exactly what mood Im in and manages to pick songs that reflect my frame of mind. So the lyrics that really got me were
'When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face the day, If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart, If you need to crash just crash and burn your not alone'
What could have sumed up how I was feeling at that particualr point in time better than that. I felt like my hopes and dreams were gone, not only because Lumpy is gone forever, but because I hadnt Od and the chance to get pregnant again was also gone. I did however manage to keep going, to be honest I didnt have a great deal of choice in the matter. It was pouring with rain, freezing cold and I was in the country park. I didnt fancy collapsing on the ground right where I was. So I made myself carry on and by the time I got home was feeling alot better.
At this rate I am going to be the healthiest person in the world, if everytime I feel Im about to break down and lose it I go running! Its not even that I wake up feeling like I want to cry. I feel that horrible numb, apathy. That scares me more than feeling like I want to cry. With crying I can let the pain out. How do you let out numbness? Maybe you cant.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Caught off guard
For the last few days P and I have been somewhat distracted with a close family member going through a really tough time. Its been strange to see someone more upset than me, not that its a competition, but to see how far Ive come in a month. I think maybe until you sit back and look at things you dont notice just much progress youve made.
I was talking to P about how glad I am to be able to notice how depressed I was a few weeks ago and to know that I am doing better. I was even able to give advice to our family member as to what helped me through my hardest times and I felt like maybe Id have no more really down days.
Then the following day I was completely floored with the pain and hurt of not being pregnant. I popped into work and at first it was really lovely to see the familiar faces, my crew mate was there and I started to think to myself, 'yeah I can do this, work will be ok'. I saw one of my work mates who I assumed was crewed up with my crew mate for the day as Im still off sick and asked her if she was having to put up with him all day. She just said 'no' and looked really akward and looked away. If she wasnt working with my crew mate there was no one else for her to be working with which meant only one thing, she is no longer working on the road, she is on light duties like I was when I was pregnant. Straight away I felt that now familiar stabbing through my heart, the pain that takes my breath away and sends me straight back to the day we lost lumpy. I was pregnant before her but now she willl get to hold her baby before me.
Now all these thoughts are rushing through my head and I dont even know for sure that she is pregnant, but at the same time I know. I just know. I can tell by the look that was on her face when I asked if she was working with my crew mate. The look of guilt, pity and akwardness. I know because in our job when women are on light duties they are doing them for one reaosn and one reaon only. The same reason I was doing them. It hurts and I thought it wouldnt still hurt this much.
I guess it serves me right. There I was talking to P about how I wasnt going back to those days of depression and disinterest and I get knocked completely sideways. The world was just starting to look full of hope and colour again and one moment turned it grey and lifeless again. I think the worst part was that I thought I was doing so well.
I suppose in one way I am. The feelings of hurt and pain lasted for most of the day after I went into work. Then I remembered what P had said to me almost 2 weeks ago. That I have to have hope and I have to try, for the sake of our future babies. So I picked myself up and made myself do some exercise. It helped and I managed to finish the day in a much better mood than I wouldve done.
Everytime I think about Lumpy and where I would be now (15 weeks 2 days) not that Im counting! I feel a sense of longing and it does hurt. Of course I think about Lumpy all the time. I dont think there is a second that goes by when Im awake when I am not thinking about Lumpy. The pain associated with those thoughts is no longer a fresh raw pain that I feel I cant cope with and need to run from. Its like a numb kind of pain. Its a pain that will always be with me, for the rest of my life. Like a bruise. You know its there but unless you poke it or knock it its ok, its bearable. I guess the other day I knocked it accidentally and the power of the pain it caused surprised me. I need to be more careful in future. At least by being prepared I can cushion the blow slightly.
I was talking to P about how glad I am to be able to notice how depressed I was a few weeks ago and to know that I am doing better. I was even able to give advice to our family member as to what helped me through my hardest times and I felt like maybe Id have no more really down days.
Then the following day I was completely floored with the pain and hurt of not being pregnant. I popped into work and at first it was really lovely to see the familiar faces, my crew mate was there and I started to think to myself, 'yeah I can do this, work will be ok'. I saw one of my work mates who I assumed was crewed up with my crew mate for the day as Im still off sick and asked her if she was having to put up with him all day. She just said 'no' and looked really akward and looked away. If she wasnt working with my crew mate there was no one else for her to be working with which meant only one thing, she is no longer working on the road, she is on light duties like I was when I was pregnant. Straight away I felt that now familiar stabbing through my heart, the pain that takes my breath away and sends me straight back to the day we lost lumpy. I was pregnant before her but now she willl get to hold her baby before me.
Now all these thoughts are rushing through my head and I dont even know for sure that she is pregnant, but at the same time I know. I just know. I can tell by the look that was on her face when I asked if she was working with my crew mate. The look of guilt, pity and akwardness. I know because in our job when women are on light duties they are doing them for one reaosn and one reaon only. The same reason I was doing them. It hurts and I thought it wouldnt still hurt this much.
I guess it serves me right. There I was talking to P about how I wasnt going back to those days of depression and disinterest and I get knocked completely sideways. The world was just starting to look full of hope and colour again and one moment turned it grey and lifeless again. I think the worst part was that I thought I was doing so well.
I suppose in one way I am. The feelings of hurt and pain lasted for most of the day after I went into work. Then I remembered what P had said to me almost 2 weeks ago. That I have to have hope and I have to try, for the sake of our future babies. So I picked myself up and made myself do some exercise. It helped and I managed to finish the day in a much better mood than I wouldve done.
Everytime I think about Lumpy and where I would be now (15 weeks 2 days) not that Im counting! I feel a sense of longing and it does hurt. Of course I think about Lumpy all the time. I dont think there is a second that goes by when Im awake when I am not thinking about Lumpy. The pain associated with those thoughts is no longer a fresh raw pain that I feel I cant cope with and need to run from. Its like a numb kind of pain. Its a pain that will always be with me, for the rest of my life. Like a bruise. You know its there but unless you poke it or knock it its ok, its bearable. I guess the other day I knocked it accidentally and the power of the pain it caused surprised me. I need to be more careful in future. At least by being prepared I can cushion the blow slightly.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
A star for each member of our family......
 |
| Stars I had done when me and DH got married, where we wish Lumpys star couldve gone come September |
 | |
| Lumpys Tattoo. I felt because we never got to meet him that he deserved a special tattoo just for him. |
Friday, 11 March 2011
Skin Deep
So P and I got a tattoo for lumpy the other day, I cant remember if I mentioned it or not.
I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.
In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.
Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.
I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.
I dont remember exactly how long ago it was we got them done but it was definately after my d&c. How funny (in a non laughable way) that time keeping has become impossible to me since Lumpy has been gone but I am still able to remember when things happened based on Lumpy related events. Did something happen before or after my second scan that confirmed Lumpy was gone, did it happen before of after my d&c. With those time scales there is no uncertainty. I wil never forget those moments in my life. The moments that changed it forever. So therefore actually I guess its not that strange that I use those moments as time keeping events.
In the same way I cannot stop counting how many weeks I should be. I should be 14 weeks and 3 days today. I shouldve just had another Midwife appt 3 days ago but do you know what appointment I had instead. A phonecall from my works occupational health department to discuss my physcial and emotional readiness to return to work following my miscarriage. In some cruel twist the phone consultation was arranged for the exact same time as I should have been sitting down with my Midwife, telling her excitedly about my scan and getting my blood test results back. Instead I was sat talking about how I was 'coping' following 'the miscarriage' No mention of Lumpy as a baby. To the medical profession it seems Lumpy exists only as a medical condition, a statisitc and not as a baby who is loved and that hurts, alot.
Anyway the whole point of me mentioning how long ago me and P had our tattoos done was to comment on how quickly they have completely healed. Its only been about 2 weeks and the skin has completely repaired itself. If it wasnt for the fact that the whole point of a tattoo is to leave a permanent mark by injecting ink into your skin they have healed so quickly you would never know they were there. Its odd how our bodies can do that. Fix the wound so perfectly that it may aswell never have existed. Its a shame our hearts cant do the same. That we cant heal the hurt and the scars that are left by the loss of a baby. But then that is what makes us human isnt it. If we could heal our emotions so perfectly and completely we would not be bothered by the loss of a loved one. We would cease to care that they are no longer with us. And that is not what I want. I care. I care more than Ive cared about anyone in my life, with the exception of P of course. And the love for your child is not comparable to the love for your husband. It is different and deeper. You feel you should be able to protect them from harm. So I guess I failed lumpy. Whatever it was that killed them I couldnt stop it.
I think that maybe my heart is healing in its own way. Its always going to bear the scars of not getting to keep my baby. It will always be a little bit less hopeful and abit more guarded. But I like to think it will feel joy again. Lots of my thoughts at the moment are of hope for a new baby. A little brother or sister for Lumpy to watch over. I am feeling confused about this future. I want to feel positive but it doesnt last long. I know I will find TTC a long and hard road. I just hope its not too long and too hard. I dont know how much my patched up heart can take.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Fear of the Future
It was probably a bad idea but I started watching 'One Born Every Minute' again.
While we were TTC and while I was happily pregnant me and P watched it together and both loved it. P was so excited that it would be our turn in September to be the Mummy and Daddy.
He still cant face watching it but while he was at work today I decided to watcha few we had on sky plus.
I was fine watching it at first. Well I say fine, I wasnt crying my eyes out so that at the moment means fine! Then an episode focused on women whod either lost a previous baby or had a baby they knew was going straight to the SCBU once it was born and all the hurt and pain came rushing back.
I know I never got close to labour to lose a full term or new born baby like the women on the programme did but seeing all her fears aired on TV, they are exactly the fears I have. When I get pregnant again will I have a misscarriage again? will I even know Ive had a miscarriage like this time? if I make it to full term willl my baby be alive when I give birth? This last fear is particularly unfounded, why am I scared of losing a full term baby when I never made it out of my first trimester? I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that I have a fear that is bigger than all of these fears, thats causes all these fears to exist. It is the fear that I will never be a mummy.
Now Lumpy is my baby and I will always be their mummy but to everyone else I am not a mummy. And I am terrified that I never will be. It haunts me all day and all night long and I dont know why. There is no logical reason for it but yet it is there, sometimes I manage to hide it away and pretend its gone but its never really gone. Why am I scared I will never be a mummy. Maybe its normal to feel like this after a miscarriage and if that was the case Id understand. But I had this terrible fear before I even got pregnant for the first time. Then the fear of never being a a mummy caused me to fear Id never get pregnant. Well I managed that and so I thought my fear might lessen but with losing our Lumpy it has grown so big I dont know how to hide from it anymore.
Maybe I have this fear because until you are blessed with being a mummy you cant possibily imagine the joy it brings, or maybe because it seems too much to hope for. I really dont know.
All I know is this fear will be with me forever, until I am holding my very own living breathing baby in my arms I will carry the fear with me, I only hope it doesnt consume me before then.
While we were TTC and while I was happily pregnant me and P watched it together and both loved it. P was so excited that it would be our turn in September to be the Mummy and Daddy.
He still cant face watching it but while he was at work today I decided to watcha few we had on sky plus.
I was fine watching it at first. Well I say fine, I wasnt crying my eyes out so that at the moment means fine! Then an episode focused on women whod either lost a previous baby or had a baby they knew was going straight to the SCBU once it was born and all the hurt and pain came rushing back.
I know I never got close to labour to lose a full term or new born baby like the women on the programme did but seeing all her fears aired on TV, they are exactly the fears I have. When I get pregnant again will I have a misscarriage again? will I even know Ive had a miscarriage like this time? if I make it to full term willl my baby be alive when I give birth? This last fear is particularly unfounded, why am I scared of losing a full term baby when I never made it out of my first trimester? I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that I have a fear that is bigger than all of these fears, thats causes all these fears to exist. It is the fear that I will never be a mummy.
Now Lumpy is my baby and I will always be their mummy but to everyone else I am not a mummy. And I am terrified that I never will be. It haunts me all day and all night long and I dont know why. There is no logical reason for it but yet it is there, sometimes I manage to hide it away and pretend its gone but its never really gone. Why am I scared I will never be a mummy. Maybe its normal to feel like this after a miscarriage and if that was the case Id understand. But I had this terrible fear before I even got pregnant for the first time. Then the fear of never being a a mummy caused me to fear Id never get pregnant. Well I managed that and so I thought my fear might lessen but with losing our Lumpy it has grown so big I dont know how to hide from it anymore.
Maybe I have this fear because until you are blessed with being a mummy you cant possibily imagine the joy it brings, or maybe because it seems too much to hope for. I really dont know.
All I know is this fear will be with me forever, until I am holding my very own living breathing baby in my arms I will carry the fear with me, I only hope it doesnt consume me before then.
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