The great unknown!

36 weeks.

I cannot believe I am possibly less than a month away from coming face to face with my beautiful Squirt!
Whenever I allow myself to think too much about that I get so overwhelmed with excitement that I can hardly think straight!

The one thing I have wanted more than anything else in this world for 2 whole years is finally going to happen!
I will get to hold her in my arms. Hug her. Kiss her. See her face.

And then I start to worry.
Not because I think Im not allowed to be happy.
But because I want her to be here safe and sound and she is so important to me that I just worry.

There was a time when I never thought I would be here.
I never even thought Id see a a baby with a heart beat on an ultrasound. But I did.
I never thought I grow a baby belly, but I have
I never thought Id feel my baby move, but I do, all the time!
And I definately never thought I would be less than a month away from my due date with my precious rainbow.

I was talking to P just now and said to him that it still all seems so surreal.
And I think its because we have no idea when she will choose to arrive.
It could be tomorrow.
It could be in six weeks time.
Or it could be anytime in between.

So I stop myself from getting too excited as it could still be a while away.

And although I am so desperate for her to be here, partly because Im getting uncomfortalbe, but mostly because I am just so looking forward to meeting here, I only want her to come when she is ready.
I dont want her to suffer for my impatience.

I have started drinking my raspberry leaf tea today as technically she would be fine if she was born now.
And because I dont believe it actually brings on labour if your body isnt ready, it just might help labour be shorter.
Which if you ask me cant be a bad thing!

And so all P and I can do is wait.
Wait for Squirt to decide when she wants to arrive!

Sitting, wishing, waiting........

We are so close now, me and Squirt, that I feel I can almost reach out and touch it.

So close, yet so far.

In some odd way the closer we get to the 5th May, the more unreal and unimaginable it seems.
My baby girl is due in six weeks and four days.
I never thought we would make it this far after we lost Pup.
Two angels who grew wings within four months of each other made it seem a near impossiblity.

To dare to dream that I would ever see a baby on a scan, with a heartbeat, seemed too much.
To long for that baby bump that Id never had, made my heart ache with pain.
To dare to hope that one day I might feel my baby move inside of me, well that just seemed foolish.
And then to dare to imgaine that one day I might give birth to my very own baby, well it just seemed like something out of a fairy tale.

I am well aware that we are not there yet.
But the funny thing is that ever since I got pregnant with Squirt I didnt have those doubts.
I still worried about her, but it was like I knew.

In the same way that somehow I knew (and I still dont know how) that something was wrong with Lumpy before that first scan.
In the same way I felt sick with worry the whole time I was pregnant with Pup.
This time I have felt so positive and happy about Squirt.

She is the one, my rainbow, my hope after the storm.
From the moment I first saw her on a scan.
That tiny little turtle shaped blob with a strong heartbeat.
I felt that love and I also felt pure joy and happiness.

I was having a baby, I was going to get to experience everything I had longed for!

Now call me paranoid but even with all this optimisum I still dont want to tempt fate.
I still dont want to assume that she will arrive into this world and everything will be perfect.
There are little things I do, to avoid jinxing things.

I havent written her due date on the calendar, or in my diary.
Its not like I need to be reminded of when it is!
Its like an insurance against getting too confident.

While I cant believe how close we are to finally meeting and being able to hold her in my arms I just want to make sure she really is here before I celebrate too much!

Part of the reason I have had so much time to think about things is that I now have absolutely nothing left to do in her nursery.
The changing unit is filled with pretty white and pink baskets, which in turn are filled with nappies, wipes, towels and other baby things!
The carrycot has its new mattress and Ive washed all her brand new clothes.
Ive even packed up her hospital bag and made a start on my bag.

So now we wait................

Feathering the nest

Its been a while....again!

I was sure I wrote on here last week but obviously I didnt.
Nor the week before.

Me and Squirt are now into single figures of how much time we have left as one person.
I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that soon she will be her own person, separate of me, outside of me.
It seems like we will never be apart and I guess thats why the bond between a Mother and her child is so strong.

We share so much together in these 9 months that nothing can ever come close to that.

I have been noticing her getting hiccups alot more these past few weeks.
I guess its because she is slowly getitng bigger that before I wasnt always noticing them.
I find it really cute, and also wonder if they annoy her as much as they annoy someone who is more aware of them.
Sometimes I think they must do because I feel her hiccup a few times and then she starts thrashing around as if she is trying to make them stop!

I saw the midwife again last week and she checked to see if Squirt was still transverse.
And she is not!
She is now head down, albeit in her own way.
She had her head pointing towards my right hip with her body wrapped around my belly button and her feet on my left.
Although that was almost a week ago now and I think she may be more 'head down, feet up' now as Ive felt a few kicks higher up and her hiccups were definately more central today.

Hearing that she is getting into position makes me so excited.
It makes her arrival seem so much more real and iminent!

I have made alot of progress with her nursery, there is now hardly anything left to do (aside from finding room for all the cute things I have ordered that I am waiting to be delivered!)
T and E brought her changing unit round at the weekend so today I put the last 3 shelves up- with a little help from P this time because it became abit tricky and I got all upset that her beautiful walls were ruined!

A few weeks ago I put up the writing and winnie the pooh stickers, which look so pretty.
Today I also cleaned her carrycot all ready for when the mattress for it arrives.

I just need (well want!) to buy some baskets for her changing unit and then I will really be 100% completely ready for her to arrive.

But at the same time I feel so unprepared.
It doesnt make any sense.
I want her here so so much.
I am so excited to finally meet her, to see her little face and know what she looks like.
To hold her in my arms is going to be the most amazing experience.

Yet I feel like she cant come yet because the house isnt perfect.
There is still so much to do in the rest of the house.
And it doesnt make any sense.
Because she is a baby.
She wont care if the lounge is painted a pretty colour or not, or if we have pictures on the wall.
But it still unsettles me.

I guess thats  why they call it nesting.
Its not just her nursery, its the whole house that my pregnant brain wants to 'make ready' for her arrival.

Well at least it will keep me occupied I suppose!

I need to take more pictures of the nursery as this is a few weeks old but here is another look at the progress of the house and me!

Strength to Strength

So time is flying by at the moment, thats part of the reason that I havent written anything for more than 2 weeks.

That and I just plain forgot!

Just after my last post I had a few days where I really freaked out.
It was coming up to the one year anniversary of when we found out we had lost Lumpy.

I thought nothing could be harder than Lumpy and then Pups EDDs.
But I was wrong.
The day we lost Lumpy still haunts me.
The day our lives changed forever and our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.
I can remember that day like it was yesterday.
It was the first, but sadly not last time in my life I felt a physical pain caused by emotional hurt.
I couldnt breathe.
I couldnt speak.
I was numb but at the same time filled with such pain.
I actually dont know how I made it out of the hospital.
P pretty much carried me out of there.
I couldnt see for the tears that were falling.
I still dont know what I wouldve done without him.

He was everything I needed. He still is.
He made me keep living.
If it was just me I wouldve crawled into bed and never come out again.

But somehow we came through that darkness and out the other side.
And this happiness we now feel with Squirt has been made that much brighter because of the darkness we have been through.
We have gotten through a pain I never thought Id be able to bear, not once but twice.
And we have emerged stronger.
Forever changed, but definately stronger.

Now most people know about my two precious angels.
They know how excited and happy I am to be carrying my miracle rainbow Squirt.
So I am lucky that I dont get asked that dreaded question very often.

The dreaded 'Is this your first?' question.
The one question that angel Mummies struggle to answer.
The one that can open up those wounds in a split second without a moments warning.

When I do get asked it, nearly always my answer is yes.
I smile because I am so in love with Squirt.
But inside I am screaming. 'NO!'

This baby is my everything but she is not my first.
She is my third baby.
I have carried two children befrore here, albeit not for very long.
But I still carried them.
They are my babies and I am their Mummy.

Now the reaosn I dont tell people is not because I am worried about making them feel uncomfortable.
It is because I am not sure I want them to know.
If they dont already know chances are they dont know me well enough and I chose not to tell them.
Losing a baby is a very personal loss.
No matter how much time passes since you lost your baby it still hurts and so I dont always want to bear my feelings to people I dont know.
But it doesnt stop me feeling I should, because by not saying anything I feel I am betraying Lumpy and Pup.
Like I am pretending they dont exist.
Even though that is not what I am doing still there is guilt.

With all these thoughts going around in my head I guess its no wonder I felt slightly off that whole week.
I suddenly was just so scared something of happening to Squirt, kinda like history repeating itself.
It was completely irrational and other than the date that was approaching I dont really know why I felt that.

Luckily on the actual one year annivesary (8th Feb) Squirt suddenly became really really active again and has not stopped since!

I am so thankful for that, its almost like she knew and was saying to me, 'Im ok Mummy, Im not going anywhere'
In fact as I am sitting here typing she is kicking me to the point that it hurts!
She has been doing that more and more recently.
Mostly when Im trying to sleep.
I will be lying on my side and this little hand or foot will thump away at my belly, into the bed as if she is trying to tell me I am squashing her!
So I roll over, and she proceeds to do the same thing on the other side, she is hard to please!

And although it is keeping me awake and is more than just uncomfortalbe at times I still love feeling her.
She feels so unbelievably strong and that makes me the happiest mummy in the world!
That my baby girl is growing so big and strong is such an exciting thought!

Aswell as Squirt making such huge strides in her development I have been pretty busy too.
Her nursery is really pretty much finished.
The cot is up, Ive put 3 shelves up (all by myself) and her clothes are waiting for her in a matching chest of drawers.
I have also ordered some writing to go on the wall above her cot whcih I will be putitng up on Monday.
And P just phoned me to say her mattress has arrived!
The only thing missing is the changing unit that T is making for her that I think will be ready in a few weeks.
Once we have that I can put the last 3 shelves up and all we will need is Squirt herself!

I find myself going in there for no reaosn other than to stand and stare at everything!
It makes me feel closer to her.
Which sounds ridiculous as I cant really get much closer to her as I am right now, I am carrying her after all!

A sneak peek at all my hard work (both the nursery and all this growing that is going on!)

Packing a Punch

I mentioned sometime last week that I could feel Squirt getting stronger.
Well this week her strength seems to have increased massively!
I dont know if it is the position she is in or that she has learnt a new trick that makes it easier to move herself around but she has been getting in some serious blows!

I was lying on the sofa, exhausted after yet more decorating a couple of nights ago and I felt the hardest kick I have yet.
Except it wasnt just a kick.
It felt like she was digging her foot into my stomach wall and then dragging her foot along while pushing against me.
Perhaps she is using me as a way to turn herself around while using minimal effort.
Whatever she was doing she clearly enjoyed it as this was repeated about 10 times in the space of what seemed like 5 minutes.
The only thing that stopped her was me poking her repeatedly until she got the messgae that Mummy was not enjoying this feeling and she should stop now!

Since then she has tried this trick a few more times so she is clearly just as stubborn as me!
Although it wasnt the most comfortable feeling Ive ever experienced I am secretly glad that she is able to annoy me, as it shows just how big and strong she is getting.
Which obviously can only be a good thing!

As I mentioned just now I havent slowed down on the decorating front.
Squirts nursery is now Lilac and beautifully girly.
I absolutely love it and am really pleased with how it turned out.
Today I did the first coat of white on the wood and also bought her cot inside.

All that is left to do is do the second coat of white on the wood and then the cot can go up!
I also bought all the shelves for her nursery the other day so they are ready and waiting to be put up.
I may attempt them on my own or I may make P help me, Ill see how brave I feel!

T also told me the other day that he has made a start on her changing table/carrycot stand.
I get so excited when I think about it all coming together and how cute it is going to look!

While I was busy painting her nusrsery the other day P went off into town to get his hair cut.
He came home and came racing upstairs telling me he had also been shopping.
He had bought Squirt her first cuddley toy, the softest bunny rabbit!
He had also bought her some pink baby shoes with mice on, they are so small!
He was so excited to show me and I just wanted to give him a big hug cos I love how much he is looking forward to her being her, he is such a softie!

Im not sure if it was all the excitement of decorating and all the energy I was using but I started to feel really rough the beginning of this week.
I thought maybe it was an early 3rd Trimester energy slump and was feeling very hard done by if I was only gonna get 8 weeks of feeling like a human.
I also started throwing up again 3 mornings in a row so I was sure I was on a downhill slope from here until Squirt arrived.
But for the last couple of days although I have been exhausted I have not thrown up so I am looking on the bright side and hoping it was just a blip.

One thing I have noticed this week is that I am starting to get that dark line down my belly.
I wouldnt say it is exactly dark yet but it is defnately there.
And my wierd belly has decided it has to be slightly off centre, only mine would do that!

I have just had a freaky and slightly scary realisation.
P was just asking me at how many weeks his cousin was born compared to where Squirt is now.
Well Squirt is 2 days off from being the same gestation as Ps cousin was born at.
So then I thought I would figure out how far off she is from when P himself was born.
If she takes after her daddy she wil;l be here in 7 weeks.
7 weeks!
That is nothing, no time at all, less than 2 months.

Although I would love to see her because I am so so looking forward to her being here I dont want her to come too early!
So that thought  scares me a little.
No it scares me alot!

So I have had words with Squirt and told her that she must do as we say and not as we do!

And to finish, once again here is my growing belly:

Making Progress

I feel like I am finally getting somewhere with getting ready for Squirt.

I made a start on her nursery this week and already I feel so much more organised.
The wood is all sanded and the white base coat is all done.
Now all I have left to do is to paint the walls lilac and paint the woodwork.

Then we can put the coat up, buy some shelves and have it looking like a proper little nursery!

We, or should I say I, am also making a dent in our 'to buy' list for Squirt.
Online shopping is so easy and then I get the excitement of getting a parcel in the post!

Its not just P and I that are making progress this week.
Squirt is getting stronger by the day.
Partly I know this because of the daily updates that I read about her ( her lungs get more mature all the time, and her brain is starting to function at a higher level)
But mainly I know this because I feel it in her kicks!

Yesterday she kicked P right in the head, no mean feat seeing as he was lying on top of his pillow and the duvet!
And as Im sitting here typing she is having a dance in my belly. Feeling her kicks and punches are my most favourite feelings in the world!

It brings me alot of comfort to know that each day that passes brings her closer to being strong enough to survive without any medical help if she were to be born.
I know that right now if she was born she would need ALOT of help and still may not survive, but the odds are hugely in her favour and increase everyday.

I went to an Aqua aerobics class yesterday with V.
We initially thought it would be far too easy for us when we saw all these grannies there, but we couldnt have been more wrong.
It was exhausting, but in a good way.
It felt great to be doing something positive for Squirt, and something that may make her birth slightly easier to bear!

I obviously look unmistakably pregnant now (I dont know why this surprises me but it still does) as the instructor looked at me and then asked V if she was pregnant too.
Clearly she didnt need to ask me!

Going along with looking pregnant and no longer just looking fat, my belly button is popping out even more this week.
Thankfully its still not a real sticky outie, but its definately out there, I saw it through my top today!

Into her own.......

Squirt is 24 weeks today.
Capable of surviving outside of my belly with a hell of alot of support if she had to.
That fact completely blows my mind.

That inside of me is a separate little life, still needing me to get bigger and stronger, but if forced to capable of fighting it out on her own.
While I was thinking about that today something else dawned on me.

That sometime in the next 16 weeks, hopefully later rather than sooner, I will get to meet her!
I know that seems a pretty strange realisation for someone who is pregnant.
But I have been so focused on being pregnant and staying pregnant its almost like Id forgotten that the end result of pregnancy is a baby outside of me.
A baby with her own unique personality and looks.

I guess all the kicks Im feeling are already that sign that she is an individual.
She decides when she moves and kicks, not me.

Mostly she has a pattern to her kicks.
At first I thought her pattern had changed but in the last few days Ive realised that actually I am probably feeling her smaller movements more often now, making me think that her pattern had changed.
If I think back to a few weeks aog, that makes sense.
Because before Christmas I didnt used to feel her much during the day, only really late in the evening.

Now I feel her gently on and off during the day, pretty much starting the minute I get up and eat, usually around 0800.
Then late evening time, sometime between 2100 and 2300 she seems to wake up and really go for it.
Obviously after that I normally go to bed so dont know how active she is during the night.
Except for last night.
I woke up around 0200 and at first was wondering if she was asleep or why I wasnt feeling her.
Then I cuddled up to P and she was pressed up against her Daddies arm.
She obviously liked being close to her Daddy cos she started kicking like crazy.
So that answered my question as to whether she slept at night.
She clearly doesnt!

A couple of times she has kicked me so hard I have been sure she is trying to break free.
But mostly the kicks are just strong enough to be felt by someone on the outside.
Strong enough to make my belly move but not strong enough to hurt me.
Judging from the freaky one or two that were super strong Im betting it wont be long until she manages to catch me a good one!

Now that Christmas is out of the way we are able to to focus on getting the house ready for her, plus buying everything she will need!
I have begun the process of preparing her nursery for painting.
I hope to get it completely finished by the end of January, we will see if I have been over optimistic with that or not!

We have now ordered and recieved her cot, which to me is very exciting as it was the main thing we needed to buy for her, seeing as we already had the travel system from when I was pregnant with Lumpy.
We also got her bedding set in the sale and I caved in online the other day as I have no will power against sales and cute pink baby things!

To finish this week a look at what Squirt is doing to me and my belly! :)