So for the past few days I havent really had anything to say, nothing new to do with how Im feeling about losing Lumpy anyway. So Ive not written anything.
The problem is not that Im not thinking about Lumpy or that Ive stopped being sad, because I havent. The problem is I still feel the ache of Lumpys loss just as strongly as I did but something else is occupying my thoughts almost as much as Lumpy is.
Me and P are TTC again and Im waiting to test. Two weeks. Its doesnt sound very long does it. Not when Pregnancy lasts for Forty weeks. Two weeks is nothing. At the same time it is an eternity.
My head is filled with crazy irrational thoughts that I cant ignore. What if I get a BFP, how will I know its a new Pregnancy? How will I ever feel happy about being pregnant again? What does this symptoms mean? It must mean Im Pregnant, or does it?!
All the time these thoughts are in my head they bring out an emotion I dont really like. Guilt.
I feel guilty for obsessing over whether I am Pregnant or not. Shouldnt I still be focused on Lumpy? Should I be this excited about the possiblity of being Pregnant again?
And I also worry. I worry that I shouldnt even be thinking about whether Im Pregnant or not because letting myself get caried away with thinking about maybe being Pregnant is only setting myself up for a fall. A fall I may struggle to get back up from.
So what do I do? I cannot stop myself from thinking about how I feel and the 'symptoms' I have, and there are alot of them! And I cant stop TTC. Me and P want a baby. So to have a baby we must TTC.
So I am stuck. In a place I dont like very much, unable to turn my brain off, unable to live like a normal person.
And what about Lumpy? How do I fit missing my baby in with wanting a baby.
I suppose its the same thing. We wanted Lumpy so so much that its only natural to still want a baby.
But I just feel so torn. I want Lumpy to be the name we are using for my belly, because I still want to be Pregnant. But Im not and there is nothing I can do about that.
I would be 17 weeks today. Maybe showing and getting closer to feeling Lumpy move.
I miss my little Lumpy.
Trying again is quite hard. I've had the same guilt in the past, but now I have come to a place where I just feel the need to try again for my own well-being. I loved my baby and am so sad that he's gone, but somehow I think that is he knew, he would understand. But it is quite emotional. I find the fear to be the worst (fear of not being able to get pregnant, or that it will take too long). I can't seem to find a healthy balance in my expectations. I only seem to go between hopeless pessimism and feeling that it must/will happen now (which will be terribly disappointing if it does not). I just don't know how to take a more moderate approach, some cautious optimism or whatever the best response would be. Plus, there is the fear of getting pregnant and worrying that it will happen all over again. And I can't seem to shake that awful feeling that I shouldn't have to be in this situation anyway; I should be happily pregnant. But I am not. And where do you go from here?
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